So a couple of months ago Brit Brit released a flacid pop mid-tempo called Perfume penned by the awesome Sia Furler. Turns out like much of her very worst album Britney Jean that it was the victim of the Will.I.Cant radio-friendlifier, and the original cuts, specifically the stems of the song give Furler a duet, and even footing for a nicely balanced, much more romantic rendition. Listen to it and let us know what you think. Better than the original or worse?
If you woke up two days ago smelling the scent of deep fried chicken and cheese and couldn’t see a KFC bucket anywhere in sight, then you were just smelling the global meltdown of frying the fuck out of everything known as Jamie Spears’ catering at Jamie-Lynn Spears’ wedding. To make things more confusing, Jamie Lynn married another motherfuckin Jamie, called Jamie Watson. In the tenth generation the Spears’ will become a sub-aryan race of Jamies poised to take over the world. Of course Queen of Frappes and Cheetos herself was there. It’s kind of a super bummer when your sister is Britney Spears at your wedding, because well, no one gives a shit about you – but I feel like this wedding looked surprisingly tasteful…the Spurses have expensive taste!
As the Britney Spears of 2014 consists of a plainly dressed woman driving to the gym, working out, buying Starbucks, going to soccer games with her kids and then dancing on a stage for a few hours a day, the tabloid industry have cruelly forced us to endure The Kardashians instead, but, in these dark days we struggle on knowing that we gave our glory days of vulturism up for the greater good of the Britney. Speaking of vultures and Britney, anal wart and former paparazzo/Britney Boyfirend Adnan Ghalib has run out of money to fund perfectly manured facial hair only designed for persian concubines and as such has sold his story, again, of the darkest days of Brit Brit seven years ago. As the article is actually quite sad and also long as fuck (Translation: He got £80,000 rather than £15,000) I will brief you on it because I’m a kind soul and also because no-one should have to read the journalism of The Sun. Adnan said that Britney Was high one minute then low the next when she took “vitamins” given to her by staff. Would cry uncontrollably and lock herself away in her room whenever a visitation with her children was cancelled, calling out their names in tears for hours. Had a mental breakdown at Christmas when she saw her kids presents under the tree and opened her kids presents clutching them and crying out their names. Had an adderall problem. DURR. Drank a lot of red bull. DOUBLE DURR. Thinks Britney is still in love with him. Errr… Had a pregnancy scare with him. Ew. Is a good mum. Agreed. Has no interest in working in music any more and wanted to quit in 2007 intending Blackout to be her last album. TRIPLE DURRR So all in all Adnan basically paints...
Paris Hilton is showing up on red carpets flashing her snatch. Lindsay Lohan is in a desperate situation, and the biggest popstar in the planet right now is acting out in worrying ways. No, it’s not Brit Brit and this isn’t 2007. It’s bucket-pissing, fan spitting all round good jerk Justin Bieber and for his DUI arrest with a blood alcohol level of about what I am before 7am every day, celebrities are LOSING THEIR SHIT and the internet is exploding. Okay, so IMMA LET YOU HAVE YOUR BREAKDOWN JUSTIN BIEBER, but i’d just like to say BRITNEY HAD THE WORST BREAKDOWN OF ALL TIME. Justin Bieber’s breakdown has thus far consisted of driving with what all of my teachers have ever needed to get them by my high school years in his system, which i guess is too much for popstars who’ve only recently graduated to the big boy toilet. But that is not going to stop celebrities stepping up to the noble cause of protecting Justin from becoming a programmed femmebot gently shaking his arms to former hits for the next six years, and also from the insensitivity of a public who gently giggled as Britney Spears teetered around death seven years ago. Ariana Grande, another toddler who attended the Mariah Carey school of being Mariah Carey, is very upset about the arrest and is acting like Justin’s hood rat phase is like OMGZ BRITNEY ON A STRETCHER. She said “I think it’s really serious. I’ve seen tweets of people making fun of the mugshot and all this stuff, and it’s so ignorant. “It’s gotten to a point where I just want him to be okay. It’s this very serious thing. It’s not just like a kid who’s, you know screwing around, it’s dangerous. It’s very serious and upsetting” And...
Here’s brit brit walking her boyfriend like a dog on stage at her new Vegas concert at new year to say HAPPY NEW YEAR (and also to say – know your fucking place, Basic Dave) Brit has impressed critics by not walking around stage like a catatonic meth addict hooker from Grand Theft Auto as with her previous tour. That said, it’s not like shes 21 any more and that shit shows. But still, Brit Brit’s show is winning people over with her actually dancing again, because that’s the only fucking justification for spending $300 to go see someone not sing a single live note for two hours. Theres room for improvement, but it’s good to see that Brit Brit is not sliding further down the deeply upsetting chute of career destruction that was the Femme Fatale Tour.
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