The practice of big artists beefing up their vocals on tracks with a veritable chorus of backing singers is not a new one. Almost every major recording artist is guilty of this to varying degrees, and one who’s always been a notable adopter of softening her…distinctive vocal style with a symphony of other voices is Brit Brit. After the debacle of her last album’s release cleared – that being intense fan dissatisfaction, questions over authenticity of vocals, outrage at poor autotuning et all – one of the remaining questions swirled around backing singer Myah Marie. Marie has made a name for herself in recent years as a backing vocalist for Britney essentially because she sounds exactly like her. For Britney fans, mentioning Myah Marie’s name is like hitting a giant RAGE button to unleash this.
Okay so here’s what I know about Blake Shelton. He’s married to Miranda Lambert, the supremely talented goddess of country, y’all. He judges on The Voice. But then again so does 3/4 of the entertainment business right now. He sings country songs. I have never heard one of his songs. He is in serious danger and his life is in jeopardy. When I say something dramatic like 4. I am not kidding you guys. Blake Shelton decided to put the “cunt” in “Cuntry” at this years Academy Country Music Awards or as I like to call them, Taylor Swift, Lady Antebellum and a shit tonne of Moonshine. Whilst Blake was hosting the event he decided to praise all the great “live” (read: heavily track assisted) performances that people would see during the event staged in the pinnacle of high elegance and sophistication in, er, Vegas. What happened next I can only assume was down to a head injury or temporary mental instability as Blake didn’t see his life flashing before his eyes when he said “If you don’t like live music, then you need to go down the block and see Britney Spears.“ There are a couple of things that one should be afraid of in this world. Tsunamis. Giant hairy fuckin spiders. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s vagazzled growler. But the most terrifying force of all is undoubtedly the Britney Spears fanbase. I can guarantee without a shadow of a doubt that meltdown after meltdown is occurring in front of computers across the land. A swirling berry storm is brewing in a giant frappucino somewhere, and in the eye of that extra caramel hold the soy and berry storm there are thousands of glittering gays who don’t listen to what anyone says because Brit Brit taught them that listening is over-rated...
There are a lot of reasons to have a gay best man at your wedding. The florals will be IMPECCABLE. The colours will either be tasteful or playfully in-line with whatever Nicki Minaj nightmare your wedding is going to be. Catering will be totally on point. No question about that. However, once you select your gay best man, you should probably also be aware that there’s like an 80-90% chance that gay bestie is going to try and steal your spotlight and cast you in the shade. Us gays feed off of attention and affirmation, but we will tell you we don’t care what people think and the world cant bring us down. We are a confused people. Anytranny, at Chris Downey and Stephanie Huntington’s wedding, their friend Bradley Bredeweg and his exquisite face-lifted brow game gave a beautiful speech dedicated to his best friend in which he spent about 0.5% talking about her and the rest of the speech showing the world IT’S HIM, ITS ALL ABOUT HIM! With a totally cringe (is there anything worse than having someone you know in a confined space perform directly AT you ? ) show stealer to Britney’s “Werk Bertch!” Whilst Bradley is moving faster than Britney has in about ten years solid, I was totally freaked out here because the pre-recoded vocals here sounded EXACTLY the same as the live vocals on Brit Brit’s Vegas show. How can that be? This is a shocking dark sided turn of events that makes me question if Britney Spears is not the multi-skilled live vocalist I believed her to be for all of these years!
A couple of years ago Brit Brit’s ‘Femme Fatale Tour’ was on the road. That tour probably should have been called ‘Femme Standing and Snapping Her Fingers Whilst Dreaming of Cheetos Tour‘ but I digress. During the tour Brit Brit performed Madonna’s Burning Up whilst riding a giant metal guitar in mom shorts. Now, after many years of absolutely no-one asking for it – the final studio version of said recording has leaked and it kind of sounds like what you’d expect. An 80’s throwback playing to the strengths of Brits rapidly worsening vocal limitations with heavy autotune work done. All i’ll say is that “Britney Jean” makes this shit seem like Bach’s Prelude.
Here’s Queen of Fraps herself Britney Spears breezing through Los Angeles airport presumably after being released from the special needs section at her local nursery once they finally realized she wasn’t a mentally challenged 3 year old. Seriously, Britney – this outfit is some Sam from Clarissa meets Lesbian at a Pink Concert shit. Brit Brit accessorized her outfit with one bag stuffed under her arm which probably cost $1,000 and then another bag she found in the preschool section at TJ Maxx. At the time of writing, Britney’s stylist refused to comment on the picture based on the fact he is a blind, insane wombat. What i would say about Britney Spears’ attire is that she has absolutely nailed it if she ever gets a time machine and can go back to 1993 to attend a slumber party. Brit Brit would be totally appropriate to play Dream Phone in this outfit, the magical game where pre-teen girls all dial up pre-recorded messages from adult men to ultimately win the heart of a pedophile. Yesss! Brit Brit would definitely be scamming for the loser who eats pizza by the beach.
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