In news that will be all over CNN, BBC and NBC all night in constantly updated headlines, David LaChapelle revealed in a recent interview that Britney Spears is totally over being a pop star and is probably just shimmying at Vegas to feed the zillion people who profit off of Britney Spears Inc. From Breatheheavy “Britney never actually really wanted this career… When she was 17 years old and we shot Rolling Stone, I met her parents at her house and they were sweet. Everyone was really nice. There were pictures and trophies of her as a beauty pageant girl and then she exploded into worldwide fame. It wasn’t really a life that she asked [for].” David went on to say when he filmed Brit Brit’s ‘Everytime’ video back in 2004 all she really wanted to do is disappear into the woods with a tanker of frapps and she’d rather that bath she drowned in was a bottomless pit of cheetos. He said Britney basically would rather have burned her nips off than finish that video, because, well, bitch was over it! “When we were doing the ‘Everytime’ video and shooting the second day, she didn’t want to finish it. We didn’t have a video. I remember thinking ‘wow, she doesn’t really wanna be here.’ Working with people who are celebrities over the years taught me that there’s a lot of suffering in an artist. When people get rich like that everybody wants something. It’s like winning the lottery… People are making a lot of money off of them (celebrities).” So the narrative that the world had guessed for the past six years of Britney appearances in which she’s looked like she’d rather throw herself off of Nicki Minaj’s cavernous ass than be there is 100% right, but Brit Brit is trapped...
So after I saw Oprah doing this ALS Ice Bucket challenge thing, I thought no other celebrity would be able to top the HIGH ART COMEDY that was provided. Seeing Oprah have Gayle fling a bucket of ice cold water on her ass was kind of like realizing that gods also feel heat and cold. But trust The Queen of The Frapps to deliver an even finer moment in the niche category of ‘Celebrities getting icy-ass water thrown all over them’. I hope Oprah doesn’t come for me for saying that tonight when Im sleeping. I lock the cupboards at night and check under the beds just incase. In an amazing turn of events, Brit Brit’s circuitry didn’t explode when she had water thrown all over her, but her sunglasses do get knocked off and she gives her fifty shades of “me whenever my alarm goes off” Given that her body is made up of 40% crushed ice I kind of thought Brit’s body temperature would have been regulated to somewhere between ‘Alaska‘ and ‘Nicole Kidman’ on the thermometer and this wouldn’t have been a problem for her. I mean, it’s not like Brit hasn’t had to deal with extreme frostiness in the past… But only Brit Brit would walk away from the heated swimming pool behind her after having a bucket of ice thrown all over her. In fairness, she’s probably wondering off looking for some caramel syrup and whipped cream to put on her head so she can start licking herself.
Oh Britney, it was all going so well. Night two of Brit Brit’s big return from her summer of Fraps and an unfortunate video has appeared on Instagram of Brit Brit lip-syncing. ‘Britney, lip-syncing?! Quelle Surprise!’ I hear you cry, but this was a particularly embarrassing incident. When it was time to perform Brit’s latest ballad ‘Perfume’ her sound engineer appears to have pushed up the wrong fader resulting in Britney’s ‘vocals’ being barely audible, drowned out by backing vocals from the unmistakable Sia Furler. Someone is going to get a firm turn of Team Britney’s backhand tonight for this mess and Daddy Spears is going to create a “No Cheese Grits For You” list from here on in. Brit Brit probably walked off stage afterwards and was like “Did y’all hear mah voice, oh mah god y’all I sounded AMAZEENG! I didn’t even feel like ah was singing, isn’t that crazay?” It’s one thing to lip sync to your own vocals on a song. It’s quite another to lip sync to your backing vocalist’s. Probably not super wise given that there are already questions over how much singing on your own songs you actually do these days. Le sigh, team Britney is always so close to a slam dunk and then they snatch it back away. Anyway, Brit Brit looked great and lip-synced that shit power hard, but let’s get down to the REAL question of the night, what the hell was on her head?
Britney Spears returned to the AXIS at Planet Hollywood, Las Vegas, after her summer hiatus last night – and the Holy Spearit looked like a whole different person. With clearly visible weight loss and tighter, more toned abs and arms – her hard workout sessions to launch her lingerie line were clear for the sold-out audience to see. Spears has sheared inches from when she first launched the high energy show, when she was already in solid shape. The real news is that Britney appears to actually be like, really dancing on this show, and the minor changes to choreography in her set over the summer were not to make things easier – but actually – add more challenging moments in. Other changes included more flattering new outfits, and new wigs that look like they were found in a basement under the set of Showgirls 2: The Drag Race in a box with the words “Too Camp, Do NOT use” written on the side. Audience reports from the event say that Britney seemed alive, energetic, and not like she’d just had 12 ambiens ground up into her cheese grits by Papa Spears. I am guessing this means her new wig has magical elegant life-giving powers and that she is now constantly going to look like shes got eight bumpits in there for the rest of the tour until it falls off and runs away back to the sea one day. Either way, Slayyyy Britney, Slayyyyyy. MAIN IMAGE CREDIT: Circusbritneyland
So Britney Spears is one of the few stars to have admitted she’s been hitting the old plastic surgeon over the past few years, and, well, it shows. Defcon:Emancipation of Mimi levels of photoshop aside, Britney has only admitted to having had lip injections thus far, but her second nose-job and substantial lip and mouth work are now making her look kind of like shes almost always got her mouth shaped for a Starbucks grande frappuccino. I mean she looks hot as fuck, obviously, but look at her – she kind of looks like shes going to drizzle a little caramel and whipped cream on your head and try and stick a straw in your ear. Brit isn’t just rolling around in her bedroom taking snaps of herself half naked because she already did that in a music video. No, Britney is being pictured in aide of her new lingerie line called “The Intimate Collection”. What’s really funny about Britney Spears selling bras and underpants is that Britney Spears is probably the person best known in the world for not being a terribly big fan of wearing either. And yeah, I know that people change as they get older and all that shit, but fucking hell – I am more and more convinced that aliens stole Britney Spears in 2007 and replaced her with a robot version which now has to be cosmetically updated to pretend it’s ageing. If they sold that as a thing I’d buy it and play Britney’s Dance Beat against it.
So Britney Spears is widely considered to be the foremost vocalist of a generation, widely called upon for her acapella abilities and soulful renditions, Spears has developed a far-reaching reputation as the most respected live vocalist of her era. Which is why the world is SHOCKED and APPALLED to learn that not only is Britney Spears not singing live, but in fact she relies heavily of vocal processing to make her voice passable. The internets are losing their shit that Britney has apparently gotten away with being so tone deaf for so many years and now in an ESCALANDO leak she appears to have the musicality of your ten-bottles-in aunt at Christmas on your cousins broke ass plastic Karaoke machine. Thoughts on this are yes, Brit Brit sounds horrible, but William Orbit has jumped to her defence and said that this was a warm up, not the final recording of Britney. When singers are not used to the tracks they are recording, they will trial it out to get a feel for the pitch and tone, which is probably a good thing because “pitch” and “tone” are not things that Brit is registering on this. William said the world should be ashamed for trying to make Brit look bad by leaking these unfinished test vocals. That’s all fine and well and shit, but you know i nailed Alien better than this in the shower this morning (no shame) and I don’t get paid $300,000 a night to do this professionally. I have to add though that something in the water aint quite right about the sample. It sounds like that shit has been autotuned at the start to make Brit sound even worse. And I guess the world can also turn to the various pieces of evidence out there that Britney can sing and...
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