Tag Archives: Britney Spears

Mario Lopez banged Britney Spears

Because Mario Lopez’ publicists have a book to sell, he’s been out doing what every other kind, respectful gentleman who has ever been with Britney Spears does…selling her the fuck out! After Mario used his son on the last episode of Ellen as a talking point, he was quick to get on to the next publicist approved highlight from his new memoirs in which he said he had a one night stand with a “super famous” pop star in Vegas and then acted all coy and shit when Ellen did what any human with a brain would and allege that it’s The Queen of the Fraps. Well USWeekly did us a favour, put on their Nancy Drew hats and found out that the blindingly obvious truth is indeed blindingly obvious. The magazine confirms that yup, Brit Brit was in bulldozer vagina mode after she split up with K-Fed, and yup, that weird sexual tension that happens every time Lopez interviews her is because they actually did have real life sex. I know, how will your life ever be the same in this knowledge? I mean this was around the time Britney Spears was losing her fucking mind so I’m not sure Mario Lopez should feel like hot shit for that. Britney Spears would have boned a fucking pony if it neighed at her the right way during that time. Britney Spears basically is in a long term relationship with frappes and Mario should not  have been foolish enough to come between Brit Brit and her gorgeous caffeine prince. If Britney was meant for any human it would be Zac Morris anyway, so bye bitch.  
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Brit Brit saved Planet Hollywood’s skanky ass.

When going to Vegas if you ask yourself “Would I like to see a pop superstar put in roughly 45% of the effort she is capable of?” and the answer is YES then odds are you’ve seen Britney Spears’ “Piece of Meat with a little sizzlin Texas BBQ sauce if Y’all don’t mind” show. Despite Britney having not sung a live note in so long that she probably wonders who the weird voice on the loudspeaker is, and that she appears to only be actually awake once a week, the Queen of Frapps has sold out almost all of her shows and continues to be a big pull on the strip. Not even Shania on a horse can unseat Brit Brit! She has now been credited with saving Planet Hollywood’s ailing fortunes, because that’s Britney’s job – walking fucking ATM for everyone but herself! According to the  Las Vegas Sun, Britney has added $20 million to the value of Planet Hollywood per anum since she started her residency. That’s roughly as much as Christina Aguilera owes her label for her last CD! Where rooms used to sit empty they are now full of bottom twinks burning their Grindrs up trying to find a god-damn top in that hotel, and screaming blonde girls who hum their way through most of “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” apart from the chorus part which they sing loudly, drunkely and always together followed by a lot of WOOOOHing and high fives that sort of miss.            
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Well that’s responsible “journalism” for you.

I guess I should not be surprised that Life & Style magazine are once again serving up bottom of the barrel stars in bottom of the barrel stories that are literally six months old now, nor should I be surprised that they’ve photoshopped Cuntina Aguilera into some sort of tropical island resort for honestly no reason at all. What I was surprised by is that this basic bitch of a magazine continues to write such incredibly uplifting and positive messages to it’s readers as the following. I’m talking about the “Bullied over her weight, Christina get’s her best body ever – after two babies. Her never-go-hungry diet that’s better than lipo!” part, though going inside Karina Smirnoff’s closet also counts as a violation based on the shoes alone. It’s a beautiful message to send to your readers. “If people call you a fat bitch, listen to them and lose weight!” Conform! Eat a salad! You’re disgusting! Kill yourself” Even though Christina Aguilera is just the worst, and let’s be honest, she’s who that chick in Nashville is based upon, I kind of liked her when she had a big booty. It represented some form of rebellion against her label, against her detractors, and against what is expected of her. Rebellion is the one thing that was specifically interesting about Christina in her early career (Stripped, Back to Basics) which is now notably absent and could be part of the reason why her records are not selling. The fact that she has played into the negative comments on her weight is both her right to as a woman, but is also entirely predictable in the paradigm of her celebrity. As you will see in the “weight” tag, we’ve only written one weight related article, and that’s about Christina. In that article  I pointed out her hypocrisy regarding her weight, the...
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Brit Brit launches her cheeto stained Lingerie collection.

Because Brit Brit is bored of being viewed as hypersexual and wants to go in an artistic new direction with her next album (read: it will end up being exactly the same as her last two albums) she took the natural next step to de-sexualize her image and be taken more seriously as a creative – she debuted her lingerie line in NYC yesterday! Britney has already done more promotion for her lingerie line than she has for her last two albums. She appeared on Jimmy Fallon to do a little sell sell sell and didn’t look like she’d rather be slicing out her uterus and making a road runner b-line for the ocean on it, which is a new shade for her this year. She is like two face. She looks totally great half-the-time and like a 45 year old housewife the other half. One thing is conclusive, that whoever is doing those damn mess wigs for her in Vegas needs to stop drop and ROLL out of her life, because seeing Britney with regular hair has become like seeing a unicorn in a forest. Rare and magical. Brit wore a red jumpsuit because shes a mother now, and surprisingly looked classy and elegant throughout. Single power Brit-Brit is my favourite kinda Brit. She either goes crazy and falls into piles of cheetos and starbucks, or she publicly flaunts her hot new look on tellyvisions for us all to see, Y’ALL! The best gift from this launch though was these tacky as fuck super elegant Maya Angelou level poems delivered in a seductive, sensual robot voice which always ends with the line “inspired by silk. silhouettes, and promises” which is interesting because i thought the motto would be “inspired by Frappes, vanilla candles and Cheeto dust” These adverts are hard to take because...
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Nothing like cheating to short circuit Britney.

It started out as any other night behind the scenes at Piece of Me at the AXIS, Planet Hollywood. The dancers were spritzing down their faces as they hung out of their skin-tight outfits, enjoying the final moments of release before they’d have to suck in for the next hour and a half. Business managers paced back and forward, staring intently into their iPhones as they awaited confirmation that every seat was filled.  Screaming fans bustled outside whilst hairdressers moved wigs that honest-to-god could be made of nylon into another room. The lighting tech team made final adjustments to the programming, and somewhere, lost in the bustle of that madness, Britney Spears sat in a dark corner whilst her own evening’s programming downloaded into her brain. It took team Britney half an hour before they suddenly realized that something was amiss.  Instead of giggling and coyly suggesting that the audience was “Really hot” (Or any such bland pre-programmed variant) when she lined up an overly excited audience member for participation in the next number, Brit Brit’s broken heart appeared to beat out her standard subroutines as she veered dangerously close to appearing human. If Britney continues like this, we may see an interview in which she reveals more than just her love for vanilla candles at some stage in the future. Im glad that Brit Brit is going with the whole “Empowered / Angry” thing rather than the “Eat ten tubs of Ben & Jerry’s and end up looking like a manatee” thing. Like, I’ve definitely never done that second thing. Nope.  
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Brangelina got Married, and Britney is Single

I’m back! (Sort of) I’m going to be moving apartments over the next coming weeks so my scheduled update situation is going to be a little less regular sometimes whilst I pack my LIFE in boxes. But fuck, I should never go on vacation again – because these celeb whores KNOW that they will be safe from my scathingly chubby fingers and so they go and do all the bad shit when im gone. Brangelina Married I returned to find that Brangelina got surprise-married in France! Those bitches had a “small civil ceremony” in a church in France and didn’t tip off paparazzi, didn’t call OK Magazine and didn’t even let the kids sell their locations for pocket money. The BBC reports absolutely nothing of interest on this, but if you need receipts then here you go. The heavenly family made by Oprah will now ascend back into the clouds for their honeymoon period and will return only when it is time to shill a movie. I guess that whole “We’ll wait till gay marriage is legal” thing really meant “we’ll wait until everyone forgets we said that and get married”. As they (aka nobody) say, as one famewhore love life bliss door opens, another closes. Britney Spears very much not married Brit Brit Spears has been twaddling her thumbs in the centre of cheating SCANDAL controversies around her basic boyfriend David Lucado lately. TMZ reports that when they called up David Lucado’s rep for comment on the stories that he’s had his peen in other vajayjays they basically as good as admitted that there is a video of him cheating on Britney being shopped around. Since TMZ is your nightmare nosey bitch neighbour from HELL, TMZ went on to call Britney’s reps and apparently Papa Spears wanted to blab...
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