Tag Archives: Box Office

Megan Fox was right!!!!

Internationally respected philosopher, box office analyst and visionary Megan Fox was right again. She recently foretold that audiences would flock to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles because they were dumb enough to also go see Transformers 4. (Before pulling that classic Audrey Hepburn  elegance trick of telling her audience to “fuck off” if they hate the film). Megan’s solid logic and Nostradamus brain turned out to be 100% right as per usual. Despite horrible reviews and poor response, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opened on top of the box office on Friday night. TMNT is currently on track to open to around $62-65 Million after a very strong Friday night of teenage boys with erections. When a rational adult sees a movie poster featuring Megan Fox they generally perceive the movie as being “bad”, “poorly plotted” and “probably as fun as throwing acid on my dick”. But when teenage boys see Megan Fox on a movie poster they see “BONER!”, “AWESOME” and “BONER!”. The fact that the turtles all look like giant talking versions of various post vodka and gin shits i’ve had over the years are kind of a turn-off for me, because no one wants to be reminded of the time you woke up in a stranger’s apartment and had to take a post-booze poo or you’d crap yourself on the tube home. No one. In other box office news. Guardians of the Galaxy continues to play well and is going to be off around 55% to $42.5ish million. The budget version of Twister without any of the flying cows known as Into the Storm also bested expectations and is set for around $17.5 Million this weekend. Finally, The Hundred Foot Journey also bested expectations significantly in what is shaping up to be a strong August. The Lasse Hallstrom helmed pic is in tune for $11.5 Million for it’s...
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Those shitty Transformers movies are still making money.

  Call me crazy, because I am crazy. But call me stupid, because I thought that when the world saw what a piece of shit stain the second Transformers movie was compared to the first that they’d turn their backs on that racist, lewd, eye fucking piece of shit franchise in time for the third film to become a hot mess flop, especially since the porn performance of Megan Fox would be replaced by the excellent delivery in the role of Piece of Wood with Tits by Rosie Huntington-Whitely.   As with most things in life, I was fucking wrong!  The third Transformers movie made $1.13 Billion worldwide and became the biggest movie in the franchise. So of course Hollywood decided to remove Shia Labeouf from the equation before he asked for dat money and brought in everyone’s favourite film actor that no one would specifically go and pay to see Mark Whalberg. Somehow, the fact that basically everything that was present in the first film being completely non-present – and the fact that these movies are essentially 90 minutes of action blurs featuring indistinguishable robots fighting  doesn’t seem to have put anyone off as this shit is in line to open to over $93 Million at the US Box office this weekend. People are dumb bitches and so I can’t blame Hollywood for making dumb movies for these assholes. Elsewhere this weekend, How to Train Your Dragon 2 will continue to be the lacklustre performer it should have never been,  Jersey Boys is looking a flop mess,  Maleficient will cross $200 Million on it’s way to $220 Million aka way, way above expectations. St Angie’s horned up performance will ultimately score her a $600 Million global supersmash which will by far and wide be her crowning motion picture achievement.
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Hollywood shocked to learn women exist.

(Hollywood, CA.) Studio executives are reeling this weekend after the Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann lead comedy The Other Woman is on track to top the box-office with an opening weekend almost $10 Million higher than expected. Executives, who’s selective amnesia of the success of female lead comedies is certainly not limited to Bridesmaids, Mamma Mia!, 13 Going on 30, Sister Act,  9 to 5, Death Becomes Her, The Proposal, The Devil Wears Prada, Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama, Two Weeks Notice,  Bad Teacher, Pitch Perfect, Juno, Mean Girls, The Heat, Frozen, and Gravity (because George Clooney as an astronaut, amirite?)  dropped their bags of cocaine this weekend in shock in realization that an entire other gender exists. Despite Hollywood’s concerted efforts to stop the production of a female lead comedy this summer, and then casting the incredibly talented thespian Nicki Minaj in order to presumably have the production sanctioned by local appropriateness laws, the film slipped through the net and went on to gross around $27 Million at the box office this weekend. ‘We really thought the mediocre marketing efforts we made along with the stunt casting of a talentless model in leading role instead of an actual actress  would have put people off, but I guess women will watch any old shit we feed em.” said one surprised exec. The film, which apparently makes men’s skin melt off, played well with women aged 18 to desperate-for-anything-that-acknowledges-their-existence, and despite piss poor reviews women attended en masse. Of course as with all successful films featuring women, the studio was sure to make the central focus about a man. ‘We were really unsure about letting a bunch of women get together and do things like act or think for themselves and knew that wouldn’t test well with the four people in the studio who make all...
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Captain America and Frozen are handing everyone their asses.

So the second Captain America movie hit cinemas this weekend and I’d assume largely on the basis that people would see Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans getting into tight outfits that shit tore up the box office in America – setting an April record with a $96.2 Million. The Winter Soldier not only tore up domestic box office grosses and smashed its predecessor’s opening by 48%, but it also topped Thor 2 which is impressive for a movie which kind of looks like it was produced in 1984. Overseas, that shit made almost $110 million this weekend and has made $207 Million from international waters. I.E it making dat money. Disney is Captain America’s pimp, and it wants to see DAT MONEY. Disney is a hard pimp and it’s made it’s hos Chris and Scarlett whore that shit for every damn dime they got paid. Disney probably wouldn’t mind a Scarlett red carpet nip slip and is definitely tailoring Chris Evans’ suits so wee can see nagla shots in US weekly. However, let’s not forget the MOST IMPORTANT CINEMATIC EVENT OF THE DECADE is Disney’s Frozen. Frozen has now grossed $1.097 Billion worldwide as the 9th largest movie ever with speculation in play that it could now go as far as 6th of all time behind Iron Man 3. In addition to that Frozen is still basically selling a gazillion copies of its soundtrack and is still #1 in the US. Frozen also sold more DVDs in the UK in two days than Hungray Hippo Games: Catching Fire did in it’s uber-big first week of sales, as well as outselling it in the US. Essentially, if you haven’t bought Frozen on DVD yet you are either a horrible parent or a really bad gay.  
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Frozen is now the top animated movie ever

And it’s all thanks to Adele Dazim! This weekend ‘Frozen’ made history having passed ‘Toy Story 3′ as the biggest grossing animated film of all time worldwide, having now thawed out (pun!) over $1.072 Billion worldwide. The ice-hot (slightly shittier pun!) smash has also entered the all time global top 10 box office charts – pushing out ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest’ to rank as Disney’s #1 non Marvel pic ever. Frozen is about an ice queen named Nicole Kidman Elsa who basically turns everything she touches to ice  and so the world turns against her- so it;s kind like a Jennifer Lopez biopic, except instead of everything she touches turning to steaming shit, it turns to ice. It stars Idina Menzel-Dazim and I know its easy to forget but it also stars Kristen Bell and some other people.  Somewhere at Disney, an executive has been having a permanent boner at the cross-platform marketing synergies and such that this movie has provided their asses. Every time Disney adds a princess to their roster, fifty park cleaners get an extra crumb of bread for their lunch.  
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Tom Cruise and Adam Sandler whipped by a Zebra

Since Hollywood execs sit around a blackberry staring for quarter hourly updates on a Friday and Saturday whilst snorting more lines than Columbia can actually produce, it comes as surprise that you can basically find out who’s going to be #1 at the box office on Monday morning by like 2pm on a Friday. Anuses gradually relax gently over the course of a Friday in LA, and if your John Travolta, you’ve had a head start. Speaking of relaxed anuses, Tom Cruise might not be jumping on any sofas with joy as his latest movie “Rock of Ages” has opened soft with a third place start and relatively iffy numbers – expecting to gross at best $16 Million for the weekend. This means that last weekends “Madagascar 3: More annoying fucking Chris Rock noises that your toddler will subject you to for the next year” maintains the #1 spot and is expected to gross $33 Million for the weekend and cross $100 Million. We can’t really laugh at Tom though because no one even knew Tom Cruise was actually in this movie. Kind of like if a romantic comedy flops, no one blames Patrick Dempsey, it’s always the woman’s fault. As Catherine Zeta Jones had a quick cameo in this film we can fairly say it’s all her fault. In all seriousness though, the films marketing might have well said “Rock of Ages, starring NO ONE AT ALL” because the marketing effectively sidelined the starcast to play up, uh, obscure scenes of a rocky nature? Elsewhere in the market is the nail in the coffin of Adam Sandler’s incredible ability to release diverse and exciting new projects each year that are totally unique and different from the movies hes released the year before. Adam Sandler is 45 now, believe it or not....
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