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Mariah Carey is here to rule your jewel encrusted phone.

Because Mimi has already replaced Whitney as “The New Whitney” and replaced the sun as “The New Star” it was only a matter of time before Mimi looked at who’s hot and happening right now to replace them like the iconic and timeless superstar that she is. Because Kate Upton is totally “now” and really “in”, Mimi’s Sauron Butterfly Eye (Which exclusively focuses on ways to keep Mimi young and relevant) cast it’s gaze Kates way and decided that what’s hers had to be Mimi’s! None for you Kate Upton!  The games company could not resist the magical soothsaying that Mimi sent to them and decided to pay her a seven-figure sum to be the face of their game whilst Kate Upton was shuffled off back to whatever Sports Illustrated cover she came from. Obviously this is a huge improvement on the Kate Upton ads. Industrial Light and Magic have worked really hard to make Mimi a realistic looking human being  and she looks great! I mean this is a no-brainer. Mimi is leading an army of butterflies in the ad to destroy any haters and Eminem fans with a sea of glitter and extravagant candles? Sold!  Also, we have learned that Mimi runs like a Pokemon with IBS and it really is everything. If you are wondering how a free app can afford to pay Mimi the billions of butterflies she demands for a commercial endorsement, then you should know that this “free” shit makes $1.5 Million a day  for the company which takes in $600 Million a year from it. I can only assume this is down to people paying for stupid fortress upgrades or whatever the fuck it is that you have to pay to make this game go beyond a loading screen. Well whatever it is,...
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Britney Spears’ face looks different.

So Britney Spears is one of the few stars to have admitted she’s been hitting the old plastic surgeon over the past few years, and, well, it shows. Defcon:Emancipation of Mimi levels of photoshop aside, Britney has only admitted to having had lip injections thus far, but her second nose-job and substantial lip and mouth work are now making her look  kind of like shes almost always got her mouth shaped for a Starbucks grande frappuccino. I mean she looks hot as fuck, obviously, but look at her – she kind of looks like shes going to drizzle a little caramel and whipped cream on your head and try and stick a straw in your ear. Brit isn’t just rolling around in her bedroom taking snaps of herself half naked because she already did that in a music video. No, Britney is being pictured in aide of her new lingerie line called “The Intimate Collection”. What’s really funny about Britney Spears selling  bras and underpants is that Britney Spears is probably the person best known in the world for not being a terribly big fan of wearing  either. And yeah, I know that people change as they get older and all that shit, but fucking hell – I am more and more convinced that aliens stole Britney Spears in 2007 and replaced her with a robot version which now has to be cosmetically updated to pretend it’s ageing. If they sold that as a thing I’d buy it and play Britney’s Dance Beat against it.    
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Here’s Lindsay Lohan looking the picture of sobriety

Nothing says “sober clean-living recovering party girl” like getting your tits out and looking like you’ve injected a states-worth of crack into your veins next to a random dude in your hotel room. And so goes the story of Lindsay Lohan, Queen of the Flopback. Lindsay landed in Cannes recently to promote a movie that isn’t even being made yet called Inconceivable. In case you don’t remember some dumb bitch producer decided to cast Lindsay in the movie essentially because it needed someone famous to get it even made. What those ho’s forgot is that casting Lindsay in a movie costs you Cameron Diaz’s salary alone in insurance costs because surprise surprise, the people who actually have money aren’t all that comfortable with a lead actress who may at any stage steal, smoke or smash up anything she see’s in a fifteen metre radius. Lindsay has also recently been accused by Radar Online of being into MDMA and Ecstacy.  If the Holy Oprah can’t save Lindsay Lohan then the only person who can is the master artist who made Nicole Kidman’s new face out of rubber and silica.    
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Kayley Cuoco and composed elegance aren’t exactly bedfellows.

Since Jennifer Lawrence has the whole new Sandra Bullock  thing down, and since Emma Stone has the whole new Julia Roberts  thing down, I guess Kayley Cuoco is totally comfortable filling the role of the new Jennifer Aniston – and by that I mean America’s crazy bitch ex-girlfriend who’s doing fine but is still over-sharing some weird stuff anyway. In a new interview with COSMO, Kayley revealed (is there anything left to reveal?) that she had a tit job at 18 years old, and thinks it was a really good choice you guys. She forgot to mention that she also had a nose job, but did add that dating Henry Cavill for 10 days has plagued her ass with the paps, WHICH IS DEFINITELY NOT WHAT THEY PLANNED TO HAVE HAPPEN, YOU KNOW!! I’m really glad Kayley feels comfortable sharing every detail of her life with us. I know more about Kayley Cuoco than I know about most of my relatives. I can probably tell you where she keeps her tampons and what brand she has to compliment her cervix shape. Just in-case you didn’t know this, Kayley Cuoco moved in her husband, whom she married after six months, oh, you know, the DAY AFTER THEY MET. She later got married in a big pink wedding dress and did a make-up tutorial from her wedding day. As you do.
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Lauren Goodger is clearly the new Queen of Fashion

Somewhere in a palace in England, Kate Middleton just dropped her £50,000 tea cup, and as it tumbled to the floor in slow motion, tea wildly spilling like a tornado, Kate looked  out of the window – for her fashion tiara had just been SNATCHED in a land far, far away. That land is called Brentwood, Essex – where a new icon of couture, designer dream and darling of Milan walked down the gilded streets tread by so few fashion icons before her (read:trendsetter) in a creation so exquisite that Anna Wintour herself is currently speed-dialling everyone she knows to track down the HAD TO HAVE IT look of the season. After you take a nap to lie down from the exhaustive amounts of extraordinary fashion forwardness happening here let me introduce you to England’s Lauren Conrad, known as Lauren Goodger from The Only Way Is Essex. Whilst Lauren Goodger might not have worked at Teen Vogue, the only reason she didn’t is because she knew an internship would have been a wasteful squander of  her ability to mix materials whilst also sometimes saying “Hey materials, who even needs you anyway?” Lauren’s glossy and clearly natural hair isnt the only thing natural about her, she also boasts her own skin and eyes. Her look can best be described as a post-modern throwback to classic movie “Pretty Woman”, integrating both the racy styles and classic textures of that films design with the Golden Globe awards it eventually won. The designers of the outfit, Jodie Marsh and a Blind Ferrett, could not be reached for comment – but both are known to be extremely private about their creations. Expect to see this as a key look on runways next fall.
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When will the paparazzi LEAVE HEIDI ALONE!?!

Heidi Montag has always been a delicate wallflower growing out of the cracked pavements of LA. A real country girl at heart, all she craves is privacy and the simple pleasures of the great outdoors. So who can blame her for wanting to be near water that reminds her of the soothing brooks of her hometown? Well the evil paparazzi who were called away from camping outside of Lindsay Lohan’s house by Heidi who offered them $30 by the siren call of sheer natural beauty to the beaches just cannot seem to leave Heidi alone. It’s not Heidi’s fault that she is trying to get her vitamin d fix in a public space. Heidi, like the rest of us, is facing difficult financial times, so private islands are not an option! The paparazzi should be ashamed of themselves for invading the much-prized privacy of this intriguing and incredibly shy public figure. Heidi said  “My priorities are my family, my husband, my love life and my happiness and everything after that is great….My priorities are not money, fame and fashion.” Now some of you might point to Heidi’s smash hit single “Fashion” and ask Heidi why she’d sing a song about fashion if she didn’t care about it, or perhaps point to her multiple songs about being famous and ask “why, heidi, why?” but it’s clear to me that Heidi’s mind is transcendent of personal experience, and absorbs the hurt and feelings of those all over the world. Truly relatable lyrics written for a generation. Now can everyone just get off the beach and leave Heidi ALONE. Behind every smile is the angst of a woman just desperate for her privacy in a media world obsessed with her every move.
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