Tag Archives: Bitch

Amal Clooney only wears white now.

Because Amal Clooney just had the most low key wedding in the world of all time ever, she decided to take a subtle nod towards her super private and very intimate  nuptials by dressing only in white in her first day back at her day-job. Amal was clearly unprepared for the pandemonium of proceedings after she arrived in Greece in her extremely understated vehicle which onlookers said they were “definitely-to-60% sure was not the actual popemobile.” Image: Splash News Greece might not have any money, but they sure do have a lot of paparazzi, and how was Amal to possibly, POSSIBLY know that despite everything she’s done to keep her wedding special and her life private that the WORLD would be waiting for the half-Lebanese Grace Kelly.   Thankfully, George Clooney picked Amal out of the fanciest catalogue of fancy high-powered smart and ethical women in the world, so she turned up looking like she’d walked out of a White Company catalogue, as this is naturally how everyone dresses when arriving late at night on a business trip. Shy, retiring Amal was then seen the next day in Greece sporting another white dress. I mean, Amal is lucky that Greece could not afford to take any of the temporary infrastructure down from the Olympics, because all the barricades for paparazzo were already there still from 2004! It’s almost like Greece knew she was coming, but how could they possibly have known?  What, like someone would have tipped off the hotel that hundreds of paparazzi would be there in advance? HAH, What a crazy person you are to suggest such craziness. Amal Clooney is basically the Kate Bush and Agnesta Faltskog of her generation. Here we can see Amal Clooney is also like really, really good at walking.  She’s also, presumably, relatively good at law stuff, but walking is mainly what...
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Never invite Lea Michele to your birthday.

One of my favourite things about red carpets is that you can usually find videos of celebrities posing like they have Serial Pout Syndrome on the red carpet. Stunt queen legs, arm on hip posturing, duck lips, all of it is like a like a gift from the hilarious “BITCH YOU DON’T USUALLY LOOK LIKE THAT” catalogue of Real-Life Instagram filters. So you can imagine my joy when I discovered this video of Lea Michele on Dlisted. Please take a moment out of your hectic life to sit and watch Lea Michele “Look Gorgeous”, and by “Look Gorgeous” I mean literally embarrass the hell out of herself by turning up to the première for the new season of American Horror Story and proceeding to give FACE, LEG, FACE, ARM, LEG, FACE for a solid 2 minutes and 40 seconds. I’m not sure what I love most about this clip. It could be that Lea Michele’s pout looks like the face I make when I take a shit (as observed in a mirror one time in a really uncomfortable bathroom situation), or it could be the moment when she ushers the PEONS out of her limelight (read: The rest of the cast of GLEE who posed together like regular human beings) or perhaps it was the fact she did all this at the première for a show that has nothing to do with her. On that note actually, the finest moment would have to be around the one minute mark when Jessica Lange let’s Lea know what she feels about some basic Glee bitch turning up to her premiere and trying to steal away the limelight, in that she waltzes straight through the shot without so much of a “Whos Dis?”. I’m pretty sure Jessica Lange thinks Lea Michelle is one of the tiny people...
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Jennifer Lopez thinks her ass is a feminist.

Jennifer Lopez is the most important singer, actress and reality tv show judge of a generation, so it comes as no surprise that J.Lo keeps the levels of delusion low low low on a new interview regarding the hardcore pornography advertisement for tag-team escorting services known as her Booty music video. In an interview with Yahoo!, J.Lo said the video is really important for women, because nothing stands up for women’s rights to be women at ANY age than shaking your womanly ass against another woman’s. She went on to say that once you become an old dame after turning 28, then you don’t have to go and kill yourself – instead you should allow yourself to grow old gracefully by accepting that with age comes wisdom, maturity and a new kind of sophisticated beauty. Except not really. “This is good for women,” she insisted. “You have to know that you don’t disappear after you’re 28 years old. You can be here, you can be vital and young and sexy and feel good about yourself.”  So incase there was any confusion that Jennifer Lopez went to The Mimi & Madonna School of Never Ageing where she majored in “Grabbing onto youth with your muscular, sinewy claw-like spider arms” and minored in “heavily Photo-shopping out the truth” then there you have it. And of course Booty  is really a feminist anthem! That’s why J.Lo cut Pitbull from the record. Not because Pitbull is this close to appearances on the East Hill Mall commercials, but rather because Iggy Azelea is another strong feminist voice! Yeah! GIRL POWER etc! (and definitely not focus group record label pairings).  I can’t wait to hear what Annie Lennox has to say about J.Lo and her empowering ass, though I suspect Annie Lennox only just realized Beyonce wasn’t a cartoon character...
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Arianda Grande has a Jumbo Grande sized ego

Ever since Frankie Grande has been dropping deluded bomb after deluded bomb about how hes the most famous stahhhh in the world on Big Brother, Ariana Grande has been doing pretty sterling work to make her ass seem even more conceited and awful than her troll brother because they are part of the much lauded Grande dynasty dontyouknowthankyouverymuch. Back when Ariana was on Victorius with Victoria Justice, everyone assumed Victoria Justice was a secret NIGHTMARE because Ariana Grande hated her and Ariana Grande looks like the cutest of all the Pokemon (aside from Squirtle) and so she couldn’t possibly be lying!! Unfortunately Victoria Justice looks like she’s smoking the remnants of a failed pop career at the hands of an evil genius, because story after story keeps dropping of Ariana Grande being the little baby that Maleficent always wanted.  In fact, girlfriend has done such a great job of treating everyone so super well that Buzzfeed even have a timeline of her being the nicest popstar of all time. Ariana was first quoted saying she hopes her fans DROP DEAD and then told the world that it was so mean for the media to misquote her saying things like that, because what she really said was she wanted them all to DIE IN A THOUSAND BURNING HELLFIRES. Ariana, of course, vehemently denied that shes the Regina George of pop, which is just as well because Jessie J wouldn’t take kindly to being usurped by Gretchen Weiners. Now it has emerged that  Ariana’s very own life coach (!??) and/or choreographer quit her lovely and precious ass months ago because Ariana Grande isn’t so much the delicious festive Starbucks  gingerbread delight you might think, but rather she’s more like having a cup of cyanide after a toddler has pissed in it and then laced it with ricin. Page...
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Charlize Theron is a bitch according to Tia Mowry and everyone.

You may have heard that working with Nicole Kidman is kind of like working with a big block of ice and that working with Jennifer Lopez is as much fun as sawing your dick off with a rusty knife, but did you know that Charlize Theron also has an impressive repertoire of rumours about her being a giant raging asshole? Well reputable source for anyone born in the 80s known as Tia Mowry from Sister Sister mentioned that when she was at the Hollywood concentration camp known as SoulCycle a few weeks ago she said “Hi” to Charlize and Charlize basically showed everyone why there was no other choice in the casting process for the evil queen in Snow White and the Hunt for KStew’s Acting Abilities. Tia said that Charlize served her a mocha frappe of ice cold cunt. Apparently, Charlize took one look at her, obviously forgot that Tia Mowry is a LEGEND and rolled her eyes groaning “Oh GOD” to her best friend and personal confidante  InTouch Weekly. Since then, Charlize naturally took the news well, and spent some time reflecting over how she can be a better person in a buddhist retreat for a few weeks. Except of course that didn’t happen. Charlize instead went to the managers of SoulCycle and pulled some “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM????” shit. Charlize demanded the managers bump Tia out of SoulCycle and they were for none of it. “Charlize came in so pissed off after Tia went to the tabloids about her, and she demanded we bar Tia from ever coming back,” a SoulCycle insider revealed. When the manager refused, Charlize just got angrier and said she’d go to the top to make it happen.” The source claims the Oscar winner also said, “This nobody who was famous for a...
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Naomi Campbell keeps it shady for Kim Kardashian

If Kim Kardashian is feeling a cool breeze on her wax mannequin skin and freezer block face today, it’s probably the solar eclipse of shade that’s been cast on her by Empress of Shade Naomi Campbell who took a break from terrorizing people on the set of her tv show to show that once a cunt empress, always a cunt empress! What i love about Empress of Shade is that she clearly cracks her own batty ass up. When she says “no comment” that bitch KNOWS the volume of shade she’s throwing and laughs hysterically at her own cuntery. In her own head shes high fiving herself for being HILARIOUSLY evil, whilst throwing blackberries at anyone who isn’t herself. Naomi then said shes a FAHHHSHUN MODEL and she worked for YEARS!!!! to make the cover of Vogue so she has nothing to say about the commoner muck likes of Kim K and her Robot Puppeteer making the cover. When the host of the Aussie show surmised that basically Naomi was implying that Cottage Cheese and Gay Fish hadn’t earned their right to that messy cover (as if it was akin to earning your PHD)  Naomi treated us to  a dessert course of shade with a little umbrella on top when she said “Those are your words, im being politically correct”, which would make a change from the time when she took all those blood diamonds. Bravo Naomi, your cuntery is so legendary that I eagerly await Naomi: Blood Diamond  on that west end stage. A spectacular musical with numbers including “Don’t you know who I am?”, “Blackberry Blitz”, “Imnothereforthat” and “Tyra, who dat bitch?”
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