Tag Archives: Beyonce

Gaga can probably retire now.

hilst it might be tempting for you to pay $300 to go and see Lady Gaga roll around a stage and talk about how Just Dance is the most important artistic statement of the 21st century which we should all feel humbled to bear witness to,  there is an alternative for Gaga fans who want to see all of the same energy and hear the same repetitive mechanical beats. At the David Zwirner Gallery in New York, a robot who dances like it was hit on the head as a baby (so basically exactly how Gaga dances) can be found in revealing negligee and a scary mask (Basically exactly how Gaga dresses) whilst making weird repetitive mechanical noises (basically exactly how Gagas music sounds). The robot basically gives you everything you’d expect from a Gaga concert, including weird eye contact, but without dribbling on about the relevance of why she put Andy Cohen as a god in her music video, and whats wrong with a world that celebrates Beyonce more than her.
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Beyonce is going to eat Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson was also at the Inauguration Ceremony in which she sung the bastard child of “God Save the Queen” which Americans like to style as “My Country Tis Of Thee” whatever the hell that means. Kelly sang her heart out about freedom, patriotism, flags ETC! For Obama and the rest of the only country in the world who can listen to this song and not think about a bunch of Corgis. The big problem with Kelly’s performance is that THERE WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG AT ALL with Kelly’s performance. Nearby,Beyonce’s ears pricked up and her eye lids exploded open in fury as she realized her perfect plan to become America’s #1 4 lyfe had a fatal flaw shaped kind of a lot like Kelly Clarkson Kelly sang this song so hard it literally fell apart at the end and would only be unbroken by careful nursing from Kelly herself. Beyonce is going to flip the fuck out when she sees how Obama praised Kelly. Beyonce didn’t get shit like that! She is going to punch Obama right in the nuts for this. Also. Corgis.
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Beyonce got hers and got OUT.

Beyonce’s past three years have basically been spent with her outside the White House door with cookies offering a massage to Obama with the knowledge that IF he gets re-elected, there’s going to be another strong black woman needed to SING SING SING the shit out of the Star Spangled Banner and undershadow the glamour that was Aretha Franklin. After sabotaging Christina at the Superbowl, Beyonce would laugh manically at the end of every rehearsal she’d do every night to her mirror to her own star spangled banner and whisper “Soon, my precious” before she’d go to bed. Well at the Inauguration Ceremony, ALL OF HER DREAMS CAME TRUE and her plan went PERFECTLY as Beyonce did SANG SANG SANG the song out of the park and then steered it gently back in again before throwing it a towel and some change for a cab. The only thing missing from this performance was Beyonce extending her angel wings and being given the Archangel crown before ascending back to heaven. She mercifully didn’t go through every vocal run ever (XTINA SIDE-EYING) but the very best part was at the end when Obama went in for his Marilyn moment and expected Beyowulf to give him a double cheek kiss, but that bitch threw her mic at the nearest peon, shafted Obama’s second kiss and shouted “CAB PLEASE” because she’s got a Royal Baby Party to start rehearsing for and DON’T HAVE TIME FO THIS.
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The Greatest Photoshop Imaginings of our Time

Photoshop is a tool of great power. It help’s Mariah Carey sell CDS. It Help’s Britney Spears sell concert tickets. It helps Jessica Simpson appear to lose more weight than she really has when she does the ‘After’ posters for weight watchers.  But the real power of photoshop has clearly been announced today in another round of “What famous people would look like if they didn’t have a staff of 400 making them look beautiful” affair which implies that any beauty celebrities have is not natural, and thereby makes us all feel pretty great. So lets laugh at terrible pictures of fat and old people with celebrity faces stuck onto their bodies! Ha! 1. Chubby Jennifer Aniston Apparently Jennifer Aniston would be a porker without her health regime. I can kind of see it since when she first joined Friends she actually weighed more than a sack of feathers. Jennifer would also be unable to use a hairbrush due to dehabilitating chubbiness. 2.Rihanna as a Christian Pastor Apparently not only would Rihanna be fat, but she would also be a lot older and a Christian pastor in the mid-west rather than look anything like other Bajan women. Rihanna’s hair is immaculate though, so that’d be a positive change. 3. Madonna at her real age. Madonna might say she’s 53, but according to this artist Madonna is 74 and also went to prison where they don’t have Shampoo. 4. Sarah Jessica Parker would be amongst her own kind. This just isn’t fair. 5. Gwneyth Paltrow would be an Agony Aunt Instead of writing GOOP apparently Gwneyth would write Aunt GOOP. Instead of giving advice on rare south asian colonics, she’d give advice on what to do if you find your boyfriend using HIS colonic. 5. Beyonce and Jay-Z would be total...
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Beyonce’s ring will never be the same after today

Beyonce has ended months of speculation that she is very not pregnant by shitting out a baby today. Yes that did seem like a suspiciously quick pregnancy. Maybe she got impatient and forced her surrogate vagina into an early labour. According to People Magazine… The singer, whose pregnancy was closely watched and the subject of various rumors, gave birth to a baby girl in New York on Saturday, according to her hometown paper. Mom and baby are doing fine, theHouston Chroniclereports.  Sources tell E! News the little girl’s name is Blue Ivy Carter.  Apparently, she’s a looker. “The most beautiful girl in the world,” Beyoncé’s sister, Solange Knowles, Tweeted Sunday morning.  I gotta hope that the kids mother was the dominant gene pool here, because let’s just say that Jay Z is a lot of things. He’s rich. He’s a douche. He’s really rich. But “a looker” is not one of those things. Finally Beyonce can stop walking around with a pillow under her shirt and get back to dancing like she’s licked the wrong kind of mushroom.
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