So basically Jennifer Lawrence is amazing and brilliant and we all love her, we really really love her. Somewhere, in a dark room, Kristen Stewart is seething furious over the career she thought she’d have but Jennifer Lawrence got instead. But Kristen got the cackliest Maleficient cackle in yesterday when Jennifer won Best Actress at The Oscars. As J.Law went up to get a Best Actress Oscar at the ripe old age of 22 she fell flat on her motherfuckin face! Coming just weeks after her dress fell apart at the Screen Actors Guild Awards, someone needs to sit Jennifer’s stylist down and tell her ass that she needs to wear Diane Keaton’s cast-off pant suits at all times. In other Oscar news, not much surprising happened anywhere, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress in the biggest surprise to no one ever and least of all Anne Hathaway’s mirror, to which she’d practiced this speech since she could first speak. Ben Affleck basically called his marriage “work” in accepting Best Picture for Argo. Just to remind you, his wife looks like this… Yeah dude, you’ll never be just like us when your wife is Jennifer Garner. I’m happy for these two though, because if anyones deserving of Hollywood Royalty status is not those two squished tampons Brangelina, it’s these regular down to earth farmers market loving freaks. Sure Ben’s probably cheated on Jen more times than you can shake everything at, and she deserves better than Blake Lively but at the end of the day I still like them together. Daniel Day Lewis became the first actor to win the Best Actor statue three times and people are now calling him the male Meryl Streep, to which Meryl Streep had 0 singular fucks to give as she was too busy wearing Las Vegas...
In a cruel twist of contractual fate, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck celebrated 7 years together on the very same day that Tommy Girl announced that his fembot had malfunctioned and filed for divorce. The 7 year mark puts Ben and Jen together for over 3 times as long as “Bennifer”. Jennifer has stood by Ben as blind items flew about him boning younger actresses, playing the field for both teams and gambling again. This lady is a younger actress. Of course blind items are ALWAYS 100% TRUE so Jen basically is a saint. The weird thing about Garfleck is apart from ‘BEING ADORABLE’ no one really knows anything about their relationship. There have been plenty of rumours, and Jennifer Garner is usually cast as the person trying frantically to keep their failing marriage together for the sake of her children, with Ben too afraid to leave incase Hollywood turns on him. I for one, choose to believe that they are the perfect couple and all the rumours are grossly unfair and untrue. Because if i can’t do it for one fucking couple in Hollywood, then who CAN i do it for? Congratulations Ben and Jen! How you guys are both still A-listers other than being a union, I am not quite sure, but all i know is that im super happy about it anyway.
It’s pretty fucking lucky that ALIAS ended when it did, because Jennifer Garner appeared to have been holding up four lifetimes of BEBE-MAKING to unleash an army attractive, strong-jawed offspring with Ben Affleck. No one wants to see Sydney Bristow in that lacy bra and panties with a giant baby bump. But here it is anyway. Mariah Carey speed-dialing my number for mad good photoshop skills. No surprise then that the MONTHSSSSS (gossip rag writers are seriously fucking boring people) of speculation about Jennifer Garner being knocked up again has come to an end after Jen announced to People that Yes! She is going to be fat for the better part of yet another year! I personally love my Jennifer Garner to look like a whale, so I’m totally okay with this. In fact, Jennifer Garner could be clinically obese and i’d still walk away from a sausage stand for her. Jen said the usual shit about how ‘thrilled’ she was to have another bebe and how her vagina is basically a rag flapping around in the wind now. Okay she didn’t say the last part, but she should have. Jennifer Garner will be a Duggar soon and her vagina is looking for a band aid and some sutures to DIY itself back to health. In less happy news, this all appears to confirm a number of blind items about Jen and Ben which infer that he wants to leave her, and has cheated on her numerous times; something that she’s become fed up about and is ready to end the marriage over.
Remember when Blake Lively filmed The Town with director/actor/asshole Ben Affleck? Well back then the rumours that the reason Ben rewrote the role for Blake (the position was originally for a 45 year old woman) was because Blake was working her, aherm, feminine charms on Ben; and by that the implication was that they were definitely fucking. Of course Blake Lively is now the centre of a publicity stunt to get her more attention an unfortunate leak of naked pictures of herself which she is denying is anything to do with her. But new blind items suggest that Blake took the pictures and sent them to a gossip-girl costar, Ben Affleck, and someone else. What’s pretty great about all of this is now Ben Affleck is wondering around L.A with a giant black eye and all fingers are pointing to Jennifer Garner’s ability to BEAT DOWN A BITCH that she learnt on Alias as the culprit. If this is the case then Blake Lively best not show her damn face on a red carpet near Jen Garner, because there would be titty-de-leche all over the floor once Jen’s martial arts moves had ended Blakes funbags.
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