Tag Archives: Ariana Grande

So Nicki Minaj opened the EMAS dressed as a scrunchee.

Remember when girls used to walk around with what looked like scrunched up toilet paper in their hair and thought it was totally awesome and used to even draw attention to the fact that they were wearing toilet paper in their fucking hair by buying bright neon versions of it? Well because we as a society are fucking awful and reward all that is wrong with the world with more fame and notoriety, Nicki Minaj brought the scrunchee realness when she opened the EMA 2014s in Glasgow last night. Nicki went on to have eight fucking costume changes because OF COURSE SHE DID, but none really topped the elegant look of a dress that might finally be able to cover Nicki Minaj’s giant phat ass up. Of course, the last time the EMAs were in Scotland, marginally more legitimate skank Christina Aguilera opened that shit up and did so by stating that she was called a “radge wee midden” in the streets of Edinburgh by a taxi driver and she took that as a compliment as opposed to what it actually means. (Spoiler alert: “Crazy, dirty little skank”) Nicki later gave us another flashback by dressing like an optical illusion book from the early 90s.  Nicki Minaj’s life mission is now all becoming so clear to me. She wants to confuse our fucking eyes with everything about herself. I sort of wish Necki Menaij had hosted it instead.   Anywhore, Necki wasn’t the only duckbilled playtpus with her titties out last night. Awful human being, fan hating demon and nightmare diva Ariana Grande was also there, to again prove that you cant be a total bitch to people your whole entire life, but as long as you can sing and look good from a specific angle (and jesus, dont we all know she...
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Arianda Grande has a Jumbo Grande sized ego

Ever since Frankie Grande has been dropping deluded bomb after deluded bomb about how hes the most famous stahhhh in the world on Big Brother, Ariana Grande has been doing pretty sterling work to make her ass seem even more conceited and awful than her troll brother because they are part of the much lauded Grande dynasty dontyouknowthankyouverymuch. Back when Ariana was on Victorius with Victoria Justice, everyone assumed Victoria Justice was a secret NIGHTMARE because Ariana Grande hated her and Ariana Grande looks like the cutest of all the Pokemon (aside from Squirtle) and so she couldn’t possibly be lying!! Unfortunately Victoria Justice looks like she’s smoking the remnants of a failed pop career at the hands of an evil genius, because story after story keeps dropping of Ariana Grande being the little baby that Maleficent always wanted.  In fact, girlfriend has done such a great job of treating everyone so super well that Buzzfeed even have a timeline of her being the nicest popstar of all time. Ariana was first quoted saying she hopes her fans DROP DEAD and then told the world that it was so mean for the media to misquote her saying things like that, because what she really said was she wanted them all to DIE IN A THOUSAND BURNING HELLFIRES. Ariana, of course, vehemently denied that shes the Regina George of pop, which is just as well because Jessie J wouldn’t take kindly to being usurped by Gretchen Weiners. Now it has emerged that  Ariana’s very own life coach (!??) and/or choreographer quit her lovely and precious ass months ago because Ariana Grande isn’t so much the delicious festive Starbucks  gingerbread delight you might think, but rather she’s more like having a cup of cyanide after a toddler has pissed in it and then laced it with ricin. Page...
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So all of the famous women have their vaginas on the internet now.

Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays. In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE. Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something. I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in. The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the  “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave...
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Ariana Grande dodging Ian Somerhalder GIF will give you life.

Because it’s been a shitty week for the world, here’s Ariana Grande basically doing what we all do to our tipsy family friends at each and every Christmas party as they stagger out the door. Ariana Grande is probably just scared to get Ian Somerhalder’s slut lips all over her innocent baby mouth, so she shoop shoop swerved that bitch like Nicole Richie does to a burger. But know this, Ariana Grande Frappe Mocha Latte, the gays are not behind you on this decision.   The gays are very not behind you.  
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Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj did a song together.

So yesterday I was listening to that “Problem” song by Ariana Grande-Venti-Mocha-Frappe, and after my ears stopped bleeding I soon realized that the problem (hah!) with her voice is that she’s always so high on the register. Turns out when a woman is essentially squealing like a clubbed baby seal to hit a note it’s kind of not very pleasant at all and no one seems to agree with me on that mess. So I really should learn to shut my fat fucking brain because someone must have overheard its thoughts and decided to punish me for kicking that beautiful dimpled elf by teaming her up with possibly the only person in music that it is harder to listen to.   listen to ‘Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj – Bang Bang’ on Audioboo Jessie J is back to shout songs AT YOUR FACE with a vibrato so tight she constantly sounds like she’s sitting on a vibrator, and if the idea of hearing these two girls scream at each other for 3 minutes was not appetising enough, human nightmare Nicki Minaj rolled into the party to try to steal her career back from that weave snatching tranny Iggy Azalea. I mean at this stage I was sort of waiting for a surprise appearance from Christina Aguilera who would be the only other bitch brazen enough to showboat so hard on a single track, but thankfully Jessie J showboated and power-slid enough to send all other showboaters back to the buffet bar. Mariah and Xtina de-spanx. Bang Bang sounds pretty much exactly like Problem except worse because of Jessie J. I wonder if Jessie J is still straight this month. I mean I have wondered about everything else there is possible for a human being to wonder about first, but you know, It’s good to know which...
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Justin Bieber has celebrities showing 50 Shades of 2007

Paris Hilton is showing up on red carpets flashing her snatch. Lindsay Lohan is in a desperate situation, and the biggest popstar in the planet right now is acting out in worrying ways. No, it’s not Brit Brit and this isn’t 2007. It’s bucket-pissing, fan spitting all round good jerk Justin Bieber and for his DUI arrest with a blood alcohol level of about what I am before 7am every day, celebrities are LOSING THEIR SHIT and the internet is exploding. Okay, so IMMA LET YOU HAVE YOUR BREAKDOWN JUSTIN BIEBER, but i’d just like to say BRITNEY HAD THE WORST BREAKDOWN OF ALL TIME. Justin Bieber’s breakdown has thus far consisted of driving with what all of my teachers have ever needed to get them by my high school years in his system, which i guess is too much for popstars who’ve only recently graduated to the big boy toilet. But that is not going to stop celebrities stepping up to the noble cause of protecting Justin from becoming a programmed femmebot gently shaking his arms to former hits for the next six years, and also from the insensitivity of a public who gently giggled as Britney Spears teetered around death seven years ago. Ariana Grande, another toddler who attended the Mariah Carey school of being Mariah Carey, is very upset about the arrest and is acting like Justin’s hood rat phase is like OMGZ BRITNEY ON A STRETCHER. She said “I think it’s really serious. I’ve seen tweets of people making fun of the mugshot and all this stuff, and it’s so ignorant. “It’s gotten to a point where I just want him to be okay. It’s this very serious thing. It’s not just like a kid who’s, you know screwing around, it’s dangerous. It’s very serious and upsetting” And...
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