Shania Twain is going to Las Vegas
In the least shocking announcement of the year, Shania Twain has revealed that her bank balance needs a refresher and as such she will be headlining a two year stint at SALEEN DEON’S stomping ground
in the middle of the desert up in the clouds known as Las Vegas.
Shania has been popping her heartchords out and stringing them for your entertainment on OWN’s show Shania Twain…Why Not? (Creative Titles were never her forte) and all this comes with the launch of her autobiography and forthcoming launch of her first single in six years. She is also appearing tonight with Taylor Swift at the CMT Awards…In other words: Shania Twain is back and there’s dozens of ways which you can show your appreciation , and all of them involve you spending money!
For Basic Bitch Shania fans, you can buy her single online this Sunday for like 99 cents. If Shania met you she wouldn’t even look at you in the face because 99 cents wont even cover the phonecall she’ll make from her Swiss Chateau to order in new purified water from the mountains. You are disgusting to everyone in the Shania Twain fan hierarchy.
More amorous Shania fans will be buying her autobiography and inevitably buying a copy also for their aunt so that she doesn’t steal it and not return it like she did with Bette Midler’s book and that book with Celine Dion cuddling babies. To you Shania would smile from afar and wave, because your contributions have helped her pay for a teabag in her giant luxury tourbus.
Everyone needs teabags, even Shania Twain Up in the Clouds! Celine can pop round for a milk and two sugars since they are living on adjacent clouds now.
Diehard Shania Fans will be front-rowing it on opening night wearing Shania t-shirts bought from the official “Fan Club” (see: store) at Vegas as well as buying all of the above and harassing a marketing executive at OWN to release her documentary series on Blu Ray 3D.
>To you Shania will seriously consider engaging you with a brief “Hello”, or potentially making hand to hand contact with you if she is certain you have sanitized your hands after knitting her that giant picture of her face with lamb-wool.