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I’M NOT GAY NO MORE!

I think Andrew Caldwell is a little confused about what being gay actually entails, but being hetrosexual has clearly given him a case of the EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSES because when he talks about women he sounds like he’s halfway between throwing up in his mouth and having a demon crawl out of him whole to consume the audience. Also Andrew Caldwell can tell us he’s straight all he damn well wants, but that bow tie, handkerchief and jacket are definitely 100% straight up homosexual. They deserve to be sashaying around Hollywood on 80% out celeb John Travolta – not on this gay hater!
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CNBC’s Squawk Box is a damn mess.

In “Damn, America – You still a dumb bitch!” news, CNBC’s anchors for the painful late night financial experience known as “Squawk Box” decided to invite Irish CEO Martin Shanahan onto their show to basically discuss all the things he had no idea he’d be forced to discuss. After asking him about Apple and Google’s tax policies, the anchors decided to show viewers why they are trusted, respected names in the financial news sector by not even knowing that Ireland is not, infact, part of the United Kingdom. In addition those ho’s kept asking why Scotland uses pounds if Ireland doesn’t, because its in the same island (not true) and they are like, right next to each other ( true). Poor fucking Martin, he just went on Squawk Box to talk business and then he had to educate the anchors on the geography of Europe. This is easily forgiven, of course, as it’s not like the EU itself is the largest economic power on the face of the planet or anything. The seg ends with the anchor querying if Northern Ireland indeed has the pound, stating “You guys gotta get it together over there!” which is interesting because I’m pretty sure Martin feels the same way about you guys.  
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So, Then…The Trivago Woman.

In todays edition of “So, Then…” we have the basic brunette from the Trivago adverts. Not only is the chick from the Trivago adverts super fucking demanding and high maintainence (Her ideal holiday is essentially George Clooney’s Lake Como palace)  but she has her A+++++ game in camera fucking. She’s a long lost Kardashian sister. Girlfriend is out to make serious sweet, sweet love to the camera!The DOP must have had a huge boner throughout the entire shoot given how she’s looking at his ass. The Trivago woman wants you to think you are super sexy and super funny, sexy, smart and hilarious!  Trivago woman says the word “book” a little like the word “poop”. She’s multi-talented in every way! Most importantly, Trivago woman can do irritating half-laughing over a balcony without killing herself. That shit is a serious talent. So many have failed at being adorable on a balcony before, but Trivago woman is the superstar of almost dying whilst laughing.  
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Mario Lopez banged Britney Spears

Because Mario Lopez’ publicists have a book to sell, he’s been out doing what every other kind, respectful gentleman who has ever been with Britney Spears does…selling her the fuck out! After Mario used his son on the last episode of Ellen as a talking point, he was quick to get on to the next publicist approved highlight from his new memoirs in which he said he had a one night stand with a “super famous” pop star in Vegas and then acted all coy and shit when Ellen did what any human with a brain would and allege that it’s The Queen of the Fraps. Well USWeekly did us a favour, put on their Nancy Drew hats and found out that the blindingly obvious truth is indeed blindingly obvious. The magazine confirms that yup, Brit Brit was in bulldozer vagina mode after she split up with K-Fed, and yup, that weird sexual tension that happens every time Lopez interviews her is because they actually did have real life sex. I know, how will your life ever be the same in this knowledge? I mean this was around the time Britney Spears was losing her fucking mind so I’m not sure Mario Lopez should feel like hot shit for that. Britney Spears would have boned a fucking pony if it neighed at her the right way during that time. Britney Spears basically is in a long term relationship with frappes and Mario should not  have been foolish enough to come between Brit Brit and her gorgeous caffeine prince. If Britney was meant for any human it would be Zac Morris anyway, so bye bitch.  
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This fabulous, fiercely epic child will steal your week.

Because the only thing that local news is good for is documenting the awesomeness that goes on behind the reporters, there was one diva who was not going to let this moment lie without bringing 100% ferosh glittery intensity to the proceedings. And that boy is now the star of 2014, 2015, and the rest of the decade to be frank. He spot-sashays his way through life and that’s alright by me, and his face when the lessers around him start to try and take control with excitement and joy pretty much is exactly what I look like whenever someone asks me if I’ve listened to the new Lady Gaga album. These hosts might as well be on mute because you aren’t concentrating on a damn word they are saying with that shining glimmering light of bedazzled sequins behind them. This child is the future and you will deal.
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Thorne Travel might be the travel agents of the DECADE

Being Scottish, I have been subject to a great many glorious, slick and not-at-all bargain basement media productions over the years selling everything from carpets to shoe insoles. Scotland’s commercial production ability makes the East Hills Mall advert look sort of like Schindler’s List. So it’s no surprise that esteemed and renowned (by all 10 of its employees) Ayrshire based Thorne Travel took the first prize in tomfuckery when it produced it’s very own three minute epic. Because everyone on the internet naturally wants to sit for three minutes and watch an advert for a travel agent. In the ad we learn a lot about how body-con dresses are like the pants from the Sisterhood of the Travelling pants and fit everyone, we learn that women in Ayrshire are indeed built like a Greggs sausage roll and we learn that no matter how uncomfortable it may appear, holding your hand on your hip is EVERYTHING. In addition, it’s probably important that your travel agent has this guy Because nothing says “trustworthy and reliable” like a man wearing a one-size-fits-all £14.99 Halloween costume from a sex shop. You go Thorne travel, you go.
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