Presenting Nicole Scherzinger, snatcher of dreams.
For some reason a sizable number of British people really like Cheryl Cole thanks to her solid ability to fake down-to-earth and her drop dead (only if she forgets to eat her smint every 12 hours) gorgeous looks. So who can blame the world for shouting a big “aww” when Cheryl’s American dream was strapped to the back of the van like Bambi’s mother?
Who can we blame for all of this travesty that we’ve never really cared about anyway? Who’s responsible for making the pretty girl cry? Simon? FOX? No. I present to you Nicole Scherzinger, professional dream ruiner and fashion criminal.
Nicole Scherzinger will cut a bitch if it gets her album to #9 in the Trending Topics on Twitter. If Nicole smells an additional single digital download from a mass murderer, she will text a party invite to a Pussycat Doll with the murderers address on it.
As a matter of fact, Cheryl’s dream is not the only dream Nicole has trampled upon, she has a wall of Employee of the Month awards from the Snatch-A-Wish foundation.
Dream: Six Girls make it big in pop music, travel the world internationally. Singing! Dancing! Celebritah!
Nicole’s Touch: Fire the tranny. Do not associate with any of the band. Let it be known that you think you are above the rest of the group. Wait till band in apex of fame then leave and force band to call it a day.
Dream: Washed up celebrities head to tv talent show to work their asses off in order to be able to dance and subsequently regain some fame and influence.
Nicole’s Touch: Waltz (literally) in with many decades of professional dancer experience, continue to have serious advantage over insecure washed up celebrities. Win that shit.
Dream: A rising Hollywood star gets offered the hosting gig of his career. Set to become a global celebrity from fronting a hot new talent show with Nicole.
Dream: A baby is born with the voice of an angel.
Nicole’s Touch: To punch you in the ovaries repeatedly when you are six months along then push you down a flight of stairs. No one can sing like Nicole. NO ONE.
It’s unfortunate that Nicole is dream snatching like Beyonce on crack and yet she still releases incredibly mediocre and middling music that betrays her bloodlust for success at all costs. If you are going to ruin lives, at least make it worth it!