I Know, I know what you are thinking. A Paris Hilton headline, what 2007 nightmare did i wake up in?Well humour me, because i need a fucking break from the Kardashians. The original Kardashian Kreator will have to do.
The news that TMZ reports is that whilst Paris was leaving Poland to head back to Ibiza, which is the only country that will legally provide an STD with an official visa, she sort of lost her $350,000 ring in an airport shuttle bus.
Paris only discovered the loss later and claimed it was because she was, and I quote:
‘feeling exhausted after a whirlwind day trip to Poland, and had performed in Ibiza the previous evening.’
Now bitch has a few questions to answer for me here.
A. Under which circumstance is anyone so exhausted that they aren’t holding a $350k piece of jewellery to their chest bone like it’s Michael Fassbender’s precious peen? I could have walked across a fucking desert for four days and I’d still be smacking off imaginary vultures from my $350k fucking ring. I could have sat and watched eight days of Real Housewives fighting and i’d STILL BE ALERT ENOUGH TO LOCATE MY $350K RING IMMEDIATELY. Is Paris Hilton so rich that she forgets she has a ring that could solve debt problems for entire towns on her finger sometimes?
B. How “whirlwind” can a day in Paris Hilton’s 2015 existence really be? Apparently Paris was in Poland for Eastern European Fashion Week, which sort of makes sense.
C. Paris was “performing” in Ibiza, which means that she’s a stripper now, right? I guess she could be a door greeting person at a really nasty club.
Either way, Parasite needn’t cry tears of blood diamonds tonight as TMZ says that a dumb-ass fireman found Paris’ ring on the airport shuttle bus and has reached out to return it.
THAT STUPID TRICK. Doesn’t he know Paris Hilton will grab that ring out of his soft, tender hands and then soil his palm with nothing more than her used chewing gum and the line “I guess you can sell that on ebay or whatever?”.
If he’d known the right trick way, he’d be sashaying out to the gay clubs and flashing his expensive new jewel until he attracts a gay Polish Richard Burton to shower him with more jewels. Polish firemen, honestly….
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
We cannot provide any warranty on the validity of what is posted.
Content written by Little Banyan Media 2014. Images property of their rightful owners.