Jennifer Aniston says we need to GET OVER IT.

Jennifer Aniston says we need to GET OVER IT.

Jennifer Aniston is really busy right now you guys.

 

She took a break from her hectic schedule of not winning awards and not being nominated for awards to tell her embryonic mother known as the media that she’s totally 100% not mad at Angelina Jolie.

As they had to sit in the same giant ass room a few nights ago to clap slowly at all the awards they didn’t win, the media basically treated it measured and proportionately (read: as a bigger deal than the fall of the Berlin Wall) and I guess Jennifer must have woke up to a call from her therapist asking how that made her feeeeeel because she turned her incredible personal and private diary known as Entertainment Tonight to address the situation.

“It’s just tiresome and old, It’s like an old leather shoe. Let’s buy a new pair of shiny shoes. I think that’s slowly coming to an end. I really do,” Aniston said. “I mean, that movie is so beautiful and wonderful and she did such a gorgeous job. I think that it’s time people stop with that petty BS and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness.”

Uhm, is Jennifer Aniston trying to call Angelina Jolie an old leather shoe? FEUD ALERT!!!

Seriously though, does Jennifer Aniston 100% fully understand what she’s asking for here? Like, without the fact that Angelina Jolie stole her man to drop out there every few months, how the fuck is girlfriend going to rile up enough public sympathy to convince people to see any of her shitty movies?

Does she understand that if she doesn’t continue to hate Angelina Jolie that the world will spin wildly off its axis, leaving us to die a horrible, painful death as was foretold in the prophecy? And  does she fully grasp that if she stops hating Angelina Jolie that we will all have to see heavily photoshopped images of a Taylor Swift and Katy Perry feud on the front of magazines instead?

It would be a world no longer worth living in.

Song of the Week: Alex Winston – 101 Vultures

Alex Winston is pretty much perfect. One of the most interesting and exciting artists to emerge in the last ten years, If she keeps up the standards of “King Con” with her forthcoming album then we are all in for a treat.

We’ll be back with more regularly scheduled updates in coming days, but until then – here’s Alex being totally awesome.

Britney Spears’ face still looks different.

Britney Spears’ face still looks different.

In “Shit, im late to the party” news, Britney Spears covered Women’s Health magazine and looked like a rough and ready version of Heidi Klum. The world’s monocle dropped and everyone was like “HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?”.

Well as we already reported Britney had some work done to her face last year  (Read: secondary nose job, lip and face fillers, botox) and it’s radically altered the appearance of her nose. As you can see in the below video, Brit is looking legitimately hot and in shape, the abs are real, as is her facial appearance, but there’s no doubt shes had help from lighting and makeup contouring. I guess “Surprised Madagascar Lemur” is what they were going for in this shoot.

We should just stop acting so surprised that Britney Spears no longer looks 16, and appreciate that girl is looking alive, awake, happy and in the best shape i’ve ever seen her in. Credit where its due as well, she’s absolutely dominating in the game of “Young pop star grows into older pop star without having complete career collapse” so cut the girl some slack.

Angelina Jolie didn’t want to look fug in “Cleopatra”.

Angelina Jolie didn’t want to look fug in “Cleopatra”.

Because Angelina Jolie is the most sensual, gorgeous star of all time – she made thinly veiled suggestions that if she was playing Cleopatra that she should have a luscious full head of hair rather than be bald in order to “not scare off any directors”, new emails leaked in the Sony hack have shown.

Defamer reports on the long, turbulent email exchanges regarding the production of a “Cleopatra” movie between Amy Pascal, aka head ho at Sony and writer of racist slurs, Scott Rudin – legendary producer and fucking nightmare who also engages in racist email chains, and Angelina Jolie, SUPERSTAR OF THE UNIVERSE.

Despite the fact that the original Cleopatra starred the biggest star of the time and was a bomb of proportions never seen again, Jolie is so confident in her star power that she thinks they can do-over that mess.

The chain revealed that

A. Scott Rudin thinks Angelina Jolie is a “minimally talented spoilt brat” who he turned out to hate because she wanted his star director, David Fincher, to direct the movie when he wanted Fincher for the Steve Jobs biopic.

B. That Jolie was concerned about being bald in the film – which bitch tried to pass off as being a director issue rather than a vanity one. She also made “numerous” changes to the script, all focused on making it more centric on her as Cleeeeoooooooopatra.

The one thought I would ask you both is about her “bald”. I think that made sense in earlier drafts but if we are saying every time she’s in bed she has no hair or a shaved head it changes the sensuality. I wonder if we should keep it out and discuss as an idea with the director. But I worry we could scare off a director.

The point was always that she be clean and raw and I think with straight black hair and no make up we would achieve the same and not distract.

I make this point incase we are starting to send it out we should ask to remove that one description.

C. That Jolie begged Martin Scorcese to direct when Fincher fell through.

D. Amy Pascals email chains are all written as some sort of iPhone sent haiku. For example, this spitball on what they wanted to call herself, Rudin and Jolie.

Three musketeers

Three blind mice

Three stooges

Three tenors

Three little pigs

Three amigos

Three little bears

Three coins in a fountain

Three is company

Which are we?

I guess “Two racists and an egomaniac” were taken.

E. Scott Rudin did not want to make the movie. He kept finding ways to blame and push Jolie back, and even tried to divert her to simply starring in a play instead at one stage. Either way, it looks like Scott Rudin and Angelina Jolie will not be working together  on this film after the email chains have been exposed. Rudin left wide open for criticism on his tantrum over Jolie who handled herself relatively admirably in a field of toys being thrown out of prams.

Introducing global superstar Lauren Harries

Introducing global superstar Lauren Harries

If you don’t know who Lauren Harries is already then your life is MISSING A PERFECT ANGEL.

Lauren Harries is the #1 global superstar in the universe (sorry, Heidi Montag) and because her starpower is so great and she is a kind soul she decided to not unleash her musical career until the time was right. She had to wait until there was a vacuum of starpower and with Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus dominating the charts, the time was perfect.

Lauren rose to fame as James Harries, a little boy prodigy about antiques who appeared on a bunch of tv shows gracing them with his obvious glamour from an early age.

JamesLaurenHarries_1802074a

Sometime along the road James decided he was too fabulous and wonderful to be a mere boy with curly hair. He had to become LAUREN HARRIES GLOBAL SUPERSTAR and so he had a sex change. LHGS then went on to appear on Celebrity Big Brother because they were really struggling for a true star and now Lauren is finally here with her smash hit debut single “I am a Woman”

In the video Lauren is bringing the sweet, hot moves as your drunk auntie at a party. Glamour and beauty ooze from every inch of Lauren’s perfectly manicured 80’s throwback with such Joni Mitchell worthy lyrics as

I was born a boy but now I’m a girl. I’ve done some things that would make your toes curl.

Effectively the Billboard chart is going to have to make a whole new hot 100 because otherwise Lauren Harries and her next 100 singles will literally take up every single position for the next ten years.  In the avant-garde video, Lauren dresses up like a Cher/Madonna fan, like an extra from “The Others” and finally like the glamorous superstar she truly is in a stunning red dress from Primark Prada. Because she is a smorgasbord of the human condition, she also manages to perfectly capture what I do whenever i enter da club. Laurens reign of global chart domination begins HERE.

Lauren Harries

Scroll To Top