Courtney Cox’s face. Yeah…

Courtney Cox’s face. Yeah…

So Courtney Cox was for a while in the mid 2000’s probably one of the most beautiful women in the world.

Courtney Cox 2002

Now watching Courtney Cox in Cougar Town is more like watching DAYUM GURL WHATCHU DID TO YO FACE Town.

It gives me a serious case of sadness to see Courtney Cox walking around town with her eyelids pinned to her scalp, her cheeks filled with cotton wool and her lips like dead slugs. It’s like I could handle Rachel being a What Went Wrong, but not Monica. Nooo.

I know we are supposed to be liberal about Hollywood actresses wondering around town looking like surprised play-doh, but I am not onboard with being okay with this just because actresses have shit-loads of pressure to look good. I have pressure to work my twat off at work, but I don’t inject my twat with collagen.

I seriously would have slapped you in the tittyballs and nutsacks if you had told me ten years ago that Lisa Kudrow would have aged the most gracefully out of all the Friends women, made the best movies, and starred in the best overall shit – but then again, Lisa Kudrow will always be a living legend for this alone.

Quelle Surprise: Goopy Paltrow is insufferable.

Quelle Surprise: Goopy Paltrow is insufferable.

Because the grass is still green, the sky is still blue, and Avril Lavigne is still mentally 17- it should come as no surprise that Gwyneth Paltrow is still about as much fun as sticking a pin through your peehole.

Highly reputable (not really) source RadarOnline reports that Goopy is just bein’ Goopy about her divorce, and by that I mean she’s being a smug bitch to any and every person that will listen.

“’Conscious uncoupling’ has become a joke among Gwyneth’s friend,” a source close to the 41-year-old Country Strong star told Radar.

“All she’s doing is bragging about how peaceful her divorce is and how she and Chris planned it so perfectly that it is hardly disrupting their lives….She has become insufferable saying how happy she is with the way everything is evolving, It’s so ridiculous to listen to her talk as if nothing bad is going on at all for her.  But Gwyneth has always had a protected privileged life and this is no different.”

I mean Radar play a pretty good game of making up sources to tell the world what is clearly happening anyway.

You just know Goopy is inviting her friends over to have yoga & colon cleanse parties to nourish their inner assholes, and she’s talking about how the divorce has transformed her chakra and her poppyseed and lemon chicken is 90% better now because she’s having the best divorce of all time.

Apparently in addition to Goopy harping ahhhn and ahhnnn about how wonderful her divorce is and how no one else has ever had a divorce so civil, she’s also cosying up in some white linen pajamas that she bought with money she nicked out of GOOP.com

According to Radar, some assholes are actually falling for that GOOP shit as it made $1.9 Million in 2012, and cost barely anything to run.

But Goopy and her Goop CEO Sebastian Bishop paid themselves nearly $600,000 as well as ‘interest free loans to directors’ I assume which they spent on expensive candles and Yak cotton throws. In all, once everything is paid, GOOP is basically losing money and could default on loans that were due, as the CEO has now left the company – which kind of makes you wonder why the fuck GOOP needs a lone since its founder is worth $60 Million.

I really don’t know what the world will do without advice on how to have baths that would make anyone with pepper allergies die in a quick minute.

Hollywood shocked to learn women exist.

Hollywood shocked to learn women exist.

(Hollywood, CA.) Studio executives are reeling this weekend after the Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann lead comedy The Other Woman is on track to top the box-office with an opening weekend almost $10 Million higher than expected.

Executives, who’s selective amnesia of the success of female lead comedies is certainly not limited to Bridesmaids, Mamma Mia!, 13 Going on 30, Sister Act,  9 to 5, Death Becomes Her, The Proposal, The Devil Wears Prada, Legally Blonde, Sweet Home Alabama, Two Weeks Notice,  Bad Teacher, Pitch Perfect, Juno, Mean Girls, The Heat, Frozen, and Gravity (because George Clooney as an astronaut, amirite?)  dropped their bags of cocaine this weekend in shock in realization that an entire other gender exists.

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Despite Hollywood’s concerted efforts to stop the production of a female lead comedy this summer, and then casting the incredibly talented thespian Nicki Minaj in order to presumably have the production sanctioned by local appropriateness laws, the film slipped through the net and went on to gross around $27 Million at the box office this weekend.

‘We really thought the mediocre marketing efforts we made along with the stunt casting of a talentless model in leading role instead of an actual actress  would have put people off, but I guess women will watch any old shit we feed em.” said one surprised exec.

The film, which apparently makes men’s skin melt off, played well with women aged 18 to desperate-for-anything-that-acknowledges-their-existence, and despite piss poor reviews women attended en masse.

Of course as with all successful films featuring women, the studio was sure to make the central focus about a man.

‘We were really unsure about letting a bunch of women get together and do things like act or think for themselves and knew that wouldn’t test well with the four people in the studio who make all the choices, but thankfully by making the movie about a man, there was someone there to put the actresses in their place when they got too lippy, or got crazy and started demanding salary parity.’ according to a producer.

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‘I really like seeing Cameron Diaz playing the same character in every film for ten years. It really never gets old and shows me that Hollywood are really listening to the demands of the female audience.’ Said Sarah, 24 from Albuquerque.’I mean, Sandra Bullock, Meryl Streep and Cameron Diaz is all we really need to be honest’  she added.  ‘It’s so inspiring to see someone like Kate Upton, who’s character I could really relate to on a personal level’  chimed in two watermelons from Seattle.

Rank Title Friday
4/25

(Estimates)
1 THE OTHER WOMAN (2014) $9,300,000
2 CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER $4,492,000
3 HEAVEN IS FOR REAL $4,050,000
4 BRICK MANSIONS $3,590,000
5 RIO 2 $3,275,000
6 THE QUIET ONES $1,520,000
7 TRANSCENDENCE $1,250,000
8 BEARS $1,195,000
9 A HAUNTED HOUSE 2 $970,000
10 OCULUS $698,000

 

So People magazine are kind of creepy fucks.

So People magazine are kind of creepy fucks.

People magazine are usually known for posting pictures about celebrities eating salad, walking around with water and talking about their ‘baby joy’. I guess it’s a slow news week for People, because they just published an article about a bunch of random people on dating sites who they think are kind of hot.

Writer Michelle Ward took time out of her busy schedule of talking about how celebrities lose weight, or gain weight, or maintain their weight to write this super not creepy at all article in which her research process appeared to be ‘Going on a lot of dating websites and finding pictures of people I find attractive’.

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If you want to perv on a bunch of random hotties who like long walks on the beach or are ‘tops looking 4 bottoms now, no bb’,  you don’t even have to sign up to that mess – you can just buy People’s Most Beautiful Publicist’s Issue 2014, where amongst pages upon pages of airbrushed pictures of famous hotties who they are telling you are beautiful even if you don’t think so, you will find a bunch of anonymous people from Grindr, Match and Jdate.

lupita-nyongo-people-magazine-2014-most-beautiful-woman

People Magazine, because whenever you read this column and think it’s the sloppiest fucking mess you have ever read, you can rest assured that there’s publication that is bought by 3.5 Million people that has equally high journalistic standards and riveting content.

 

 

Katy Perry ruins a bunch of birthdays for her music video.

Because music videos these days have to be longer than Lord of the Rings and because we’re sort of bored with seeing Katy Perry’s tits at this stage (but not really, please more tits Katy!) she decided to make a long ass video for her new song Birthday in which she essentially goes around ruining people’s birthday parties for shits and giggles as five different, equally awful characters.

Of course, that shit ended up being about as heeelarious as Madeleine Stowe doing stand-up.

In the video Katy freaks out a bunch of old people by pretending to die at their party with her saggy tits out, traumatizes a bunch of children by eating a mouse at their party and then ruins another kids party as a drunk clown.

Of course the whole thing culminates in a “BUT DON’T WORRY, IM KATY PERRY!!!!!!” moment at the end, which is pretty bold of her given that if she’d turned up to my kid’s birthday party and made her cry by eating a mouse in front of her for a music video, i’d be even more likely to punch her in the poon, because profiteering off of peoples misery and ruining their birthday and hoping that everyone is just kind of going to like you because you are famous is kind of a dick move Katy.

Well, at least it’s not Hello Kitty.

 

 

 

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