If you don’t live in the UK and have a fetish for terrible property shows in your pyjamas like I do, then you probably don’t know the elegant, subtle, monocle dropper that is Celia Sawyer.
Celia is, and I quote from her totally neutral Wikipedia page, “a self made multi-millionairess” from her interior design ventures. She’s been on Channel 4’s “Four Rooms” and more recently the TV makeover porn that is “Your Home in Their Hands” .
What makes Celia special is not her notable wealth or work ethic, it’s that Celia, who NATURALLY creates “high end luxury interiors” for really rich people, looks like a fresh English spring morning covered in soft and gorgeous dew.
If you can kindly lift the mug you dropped in shock and awe for the most regally subtle cast member of Footballer’s Wives woman you’ve seen in your life, then I can tell you that Celia is not just special for her ravishing figure, tangerine skin and divine 100% natural yak hair, but as you can probably read from above, she is also a retiring and modest angel.
Celia has her feet firmly on the ground – pretty helpful because her feet are always clad in 100% environmentally evil plastic heels which make her already statuesque body tower above the peons that don’t know a retro hipster chic kitchen when they see one.
Episode after episode, she arrives in stunning patent leather dresses, gorgeous silk blouses and where-did-she-get-that £12.50 Zara bargain bin boob tubes. The best think about Celia is not that she clearly attended Her Highness Zoe Lucker’s Academy of Expensive Dressing, but it is the complete apathy she treats everyone with..
Your Home in Their Hands is effectively a show where BBC ask you if your kitchen has been redecorated in the last sixty years, and if the answer is no then they send Celia Sawyer around to roll her eyes disdainfully and act around 5% interested when you discuss your grandmother’s needs for mobility. At this stage she calls a team of two “amateur designers” (Read: Never designed ANYONE ELSE’S HOUSE BEFORE) to come in and give it a bash, but not to deviate from “the brief.” Celia loves talking about the brief, because she’s an interior designer, but the she actually omits to give a brief other than telling them who lives in the house, presumably to ensure maximum carnage during the reveal.
The following thirty minutes is various shots of the designers 100% deviating from “the brief” (?) with a total of nil fucks to give they solder a metal horse to the wall, papier-mache a ceiling and literally put grass down as carpets whilst the home-owners are gently weeping into a hotel bed realizing the gravity of their mistake. It’s around this stage each episode that Celia ponders if allowing two people who’s homes look like a poorly designed mistakes from “The Sims” to run free with a £15k makeover budget was such a good idea.
In the end, Celia brings the families back in with an expression on her face that looks perpetually disappointed that the human beings around her aren’t Persian billionaires. As the couples around her have mental breakdowns roughly akin to tornado survivors returning to the ruins of their homes, Celia gives a spectrum of sympathetic faces.
Celia Sawyer should totally star in the sequel to The Devil Wears Prada, called “The Devil Wears Patent Leather” in which she gently stares down anyone who ever asks her a question then walks to and from a car. That shit would be a SMASH HIT in my eyes, and that is why I am not a movie executive, because I’m the kind of trick who has recorded The Canyons with Lindsay Lohan on my SKY+
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