So Nicki Minaj opened the EMAS dressed as a scrunchee.
Remember when girls used to walk around with what looked like scrunched up toilet paper in their hair and thought it was totally awesome and used to even draw attention to the fact that they were wearing toilet paper in their fucking hair by buying bright neon versions of it?
Well because we as a society are fucking awful and reward all that is wrong with the world with more fame and notoriety, Nicki Minaj brought the scrunchee realness when she opened the EMA 2014s in Glasgow last night. Nicki went on to have eight fucking costume changes because OF COURSE SHE DID, but none really topped the elegant look of a dress that might finally be able to cover Nicki Minaj’s giant phat ass up.
Of course, the last time the EMAs were in Scotland, marginally more legitimate skank Christina Aguilera opened that shit up and did so by stating that she was called a “radge wee midden” in the streets of Edinburgh by a taxi driver and she took that as a compliment as opposed to what it actually means. (Spoiler alert: “Crazy, dirty little skank”)
Nicki later gave us another flashback by dressing like an optical illusion book from the early 90s. Nicki Minaj’s life mission is now all becoming so clear to me. She wants to confuse our fucking eyes with everything about herself. I sort of wish Necki Menaij had hosted it instead.
Anywhore, Necki wasn’t the only duckbilled playtpus with her titties out last night. Awful human being, fan hating demon and nightmare diva Ariana Grande was also there, to again prove that you cant be a total bitch to people your whole entire life, but as long as you can sing and look good from a specific angle (and jesus, dont we all know she has a SPECIFIC angle) then fame is yours, baby!
And finally Ed Sheeran turned up in order to make everyone play that “DOES HE HAVE A LAZY EYE” google game afterwards. Answer: Maybe a bit. Probably an astigmatism reflecting light oddly.
Ed lost out “Best Male” to Justin Bieber which is funny because the word “BEST” was in the category title and thereby would imply that it was a positive award and yet Justin Bieber won, so I’m frankly confused and feel that this whole show was a fucking joke.