So, it’s that time of year already. Top 10 Albums Lists have hit the web, and we aren’t going to let equally important publications like the New York Times or Rolling Stone get all the glory, join LA Deli as we count down the finest records of the year as well as call out our biggest letdown. So find out who’s first on the list by Clicking Here.
Alex Winston is pretty much perfect. One of the most interesting and exciting artists to emerge in the last ten years, If she keeps up the standards of “King Con” with her forthcoming album then we are all in for a treat. We’ll be back with more regularly scheduled updates in coming days, but until then – here’s Alex being totally awesome.
If you don’t know who Lauren Harries is already then your life is MISSING A PERFECT ANGEL. Lauren Harries is the #1 global superstar in the universe (sorry, Heidi Montag) and because her starpower is so great and she is a kind soul she decided to not unleash her musical career until the time was right. She had to wait until there was a vacuum of starpower and with Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus dominating the charts, the time was perfect. Lauren rose to fame as James Harries, a little boy prodigy about antiques who appeared on a bunch of tv shows gracing them with his obvious glamour from an early age. Sometime along the road James decided he was too fabulous and wonderful to be a mere boy with curly hair. He had to become LAUREN HARRIES GLOBAL SUPERSTAR and so he had a sex change. LHGS then went on to appear on Celebrity Big Brother because they were really struggling for a true star and now Lauren is finally here with her smash hit debut single “I am a Woman” In the video Lauren is bringing the sweet, hot moves as your drunk auntie at a party. Glamour and beauty ooze from every inch of Lauren’s perfectly manicured 80’s throwback with such Joni Mitchell worthy lyrics as I was born a boy but now I’m a girl. I’ve done some things that would make your toes curl. Effectively the Billboard chart is going to have to make a whole new hot 100 because otherwise Lauren Harries and her next 100 singles will literally take up every single position for the next ten years. In the avant-garde video, Lauren dresses up like a Cher/Madonna fan, like an extra from “The Others” and finally like the glamorous superstar she truly is in...
A sound engineer must really hate Mariah Carey, because bitches raw vocals at her shakiest performances leak faster than Christina Aguilera at an Etta James singalong. It’s Christmas, and so the patron saint of Christmas known as Mimi is wheeling out her two holiday albums for updated sales figures. This means she is singing “All I Want for Christmas” again. According to Gawker, Mimi fudged up her pre-recorded timeslot for NBC and they sent her home when she turned up three hours late. NBC was for none of Mimis diva antics, but somehow later that night Mimi’s begs to perform were listened to and NBC said “sure, but it will have to be live“. As you know, Mimi and live vocals have been experiencing a messy breakup over the past year or so. Usually she will pre-record that shit and presumably lay down vocals in a very still wine cellar with her girdle off. When you hear the raw vocals you can suddenly see why. It doesn’t start out so bad, but by the end you wonder what damn note Mimi is reaching for and how it is possible she lands so wrong on every single one. Somewhere in Louisiana Brit Brit is clawing cheese pasta into her mouth, watching this video, and chuckling “Oh mah gawd, this bitch can’t sing!”.
So the Kinder Delight version of the Grammy’s happened this week and we were subjected to warm up performances from the likes of Taylor Swift playing “Crazy Girlfriend, Taylor Swift” in a performance with vocals so shaky that I honestly thought they were having an earthquake. There was ever after high doll come to life Lorde who did her really boring Hunger Games song from inside a box, because shes -arty- and because bitch sold out to Lionsgate. Then there was Selena Gomez who sung a song about Justin Bieber in front of a giant crying eye, which is funny because that giant eye served up the emotional response all of us have when we are forced to confront the reality that is Justin Bieber. But all of those hot, young relevant bitches felt the shade cast by Fergie, Duchess of the Urinal. Fergie brought that wreck of a song LA Love to the stage and actually made you realize that both A. Fergie is a really great performer and B. Fergie’s songs are still better than almost anything else out right now. So Fergie kind of nailed it. A giant big magic mushroom of a bus – CHECK! the only singer of the night who didn’t sound like she borrowed vocals from a pile of The Voice rejects – CHECK and a body that is killing it for a woman of her age – CHECK CHECK CHECK. The only thing that was really missing to make this performance a legendary AMA one to be remembered was Fergie falling into a bath of pee at the end. No Fergie performance is truly slaying without a little of the yellow nectar. What Fergie DID bring though (other than her annual supply of botox in its entirety) was this glamorous wardrobe malfunction in which...
No comment necessary other than the title, really. I see Beyonce trying to give this an =authentic= feel but Gore Verbinski can be seen seated in front of the 120 person production team at around 3 minutes 4 seconds. What a fucking drag it must have been to have Beyonce take over an entire hotel room floor to make this mess because there is no excuse for the levels of terrible that this song is.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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