So the second Captain America movie hit cinemas this weekend and I’d assume largely on the basis that people would see Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans getting into tight outfits that shit tore up the box office in America – setting an April record with a $96.2 Million. The Winter Soldier not only tore up domestic box office grosses and smashed its predecessor’s opening by 48%, but it also topped Thor 2 which is impressive for a movie which kind of looks like it was produced in 1984. Overseas, that shit made almost $110 million this weekend and has made $207 Million from international waters. I.E it making dat money. Disney is Captain America’s pimp, and it wants to see DAT MONEY. Disney is a hard pimp and it’s made it’s hos Chris and Scarlett whore that shit for every damn dime they got paid. Disney probably wouldn’t mind a Scarlett red carpet nip slip and is definitely tailoring Chris Evans’ suits so wee can see nagla shots in US weekly. However, let’s not forget the MOST IMPORTANT CINEMATIC EVENT OF THE DECADE is Disney’s Frozen. Frozen has now grossed $1.097 Billion worldwide as the 9th largest movie ever with speculation in play that it could now go as far as 6th of all time behind Iron Man 3. In addition to that Frozen is still basically selling a gazillion copies of its soundtrack and is still #1 in the US. Frozen also sold more DVDs in the UK in two days than Hungray Hippo Games: Catching Fire did in it’s uber-big first week of sales, as well as outselling it in the US. Essentially, if you haven’t bought Frozen on DVD yet you are either a horrible parent or a really bad gay.
And it’s all thanks to Adele Dazim! This weekend ‘Frozen’ made history having passed ‘Toy Story 3′ as the biggest grossing animated film of all time worldwide, having now thawed out (pun!) over $1.072 Billion worldwide. The ice-hot (slightly shittier pun!) smash has also entered the all time global top 10 box office charts – pushing out ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest’ to rank as Disney’s #1 non Marvel pic ever. Frozen is about an ice queen named Nicole Kidman Elsa who basically turns everything she touches to ice and so the world turns against her- so it;s kind like a Jennifer Lopez biopic, except instead of everything she touches turning to steaming shit, it turns to ice. It stars Idina Menzel-Dazim and I know its easy to forget but it also stars Kristen Bell and some other people. Somewhere at Disney, an executive has been having a permanent boner at the cross-platform marketing synergies and such that this movie has provided their asses. Every time Disney adds a princess to their roster, fifty park cleaners get an extra crumb of bread for their lunch.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire starring Your Best Friend, has finally arrived on DVD and home video – and it’s already causing huge household drama for families across America. Including yours. Like, you totally NEED to get out of there because everyone is being super unreasonable and not listening to your point of view. Reports say that the undertones and allegories of the movies have finally become clear to families who just saw the first one as “a bit of fun” . “I couldn’t believe the Hunger Games was essentially a thinly masked debate and statement on society. It’s about a choice…a message of having the choose between a dark haired, handsome supermodel – or a dirty blonde average looking boy.” said Debbie Jones, 14. Debbie’s household has been in an uproar since watching the film on Saturday night with, Debbie says “Some shitty popcorn dad always buys from a discounter.” Debbie was insistent that the poor quality of the popcorn further soured an already traumatic film night. “I wish we’d never bought The Hunger Games: Catching Fire” said Debbie’s dad, Andrew as he aggressively stirred his coffee. “I mean, we all enjoyed the first one as a family, but I guess we didn’t really think about what the film was forcing upon us back then….like I just thought it was clear that Peeta was the one you’d go with – he’s really kind and sensitive and he has that dreamy smile, I bet his skin is supple and soft too…. but the women in my family disagreed” Peeta or Gale, it’s the eternal question which continues to ruin lives across America. There was reportedly widespread eye-rolling and deep division over breakfast the next morning in the Jones household, and so deep the rift is that mother Sarah Jones...
Jennifer Garner’s latest movie is called “The Odd Life of Timothy Green” but Disney should think of re-titling it “We’ll settle for 13 Million Total Box Office. Shouldn’t this be a TV Movie?”. See the trailer if you don’t believe me. Oh Jen, How did we get here? Rarely do women in Hollywood pull off the incredible feat of making both men and women actually like them. Guys find it acceptable to like her because Jennifer Garner is hot and girls put away their claws because they think shes cute and funny, and that’s because she is! She really really is. So if she’s one of like, six actresses who men and women alike think is kind of awesome, so why is it that everyone still remembers Jennifer Garner for a TV role she ended over 7 years ago? What the hell, Jennifer? You’ve won real proper awards woman! You are a talented actress! What is going on!? The only roles people tend to remember Jennifer Garner in off the big screen is Daredevil (2003) and the genuine cult hit 13 Going on 30 (2004) which originally cast major buzz about Garner as a leading lady due to her surprisingly strong comedic ability. But those movies were years ago, Garner’s last acclaimed role was in a very supporting capacity in the hipstertastic Juno (2007) and i guess in some Neutrogena commercials which make me want to buy whatever the hell it is shes selling Fortunately for Garner, she always seems to emerge from flops smelling like roses. Unfortunately for us, that means we continuously see a talented actress wasted in films with flimsy scripting offering her little to do. On paper, the movies should have been hits, so we wonder what the thought process was behind choosing to star in them….. Elektra On Paper: ”After establishing...
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