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EW Made the Mean Girls 10 Year Reunion a thing

If you’re a gay man, a girl, or a particularly sassy boyfriend of a certain age – then all of your hopes and dreams have come true! For it’s tenth anniversary (!!), Entertainment Weekly brought back Ms Norbury, Cady Heron, Regina George, Karen Smith and the most important character of all time – Gretchen Weiners. They did a fancy photoshoot in which you will always wonder if they were all in the same room together, given that every single one* of the actresses in this picture are now busy and successful A-listers.   *Except from the two on the left. They are pretttty quiet. In the issue, Amanda Seyfried  – who now can ask for almost $8 Million a picture – talks about how she was really pretty nervous about the whole thing and she and Lacey Chabert got together to, uhm, listen to Dido. I had just graduated high school! It was terrifying. I don’t know what I would have done without Lacey Chabert. She was my angel. She took me in, and we’d hang out in her trailer and listen to Dido. Rachel McAdams – who can now ask for more than $5 Million a picture – acted like she was too famous now to remember the role that launched her. I was staying at a bed-and-breakfast recently in the-middle-of-nowhere Ireland. And one of the owners’ granddaughters came up to me, and she gave me a piece of pink paper and she goes, “Can you write down just a few of your favorite Mean Girls quotes?” It was so sweet. I couldn’t think of any of them! It’s been 10 years! So I said, “Well, what are your favorites?” So she literally fed me all these lines, like “Is butter a carb?” Tina Fey – who can ask for $300,000 an...
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Anne Hathway is wonderful and great THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

So after the backlash over Les Miserables known as “Anne Hathaway for Best Supporting Actress of ALL TIME” I had kind of thought that Hollywood had  punished that ho for being professional, hard-working and female by blacklisting her forever. Well that didn’t happen, because Anne Hathaway is back in Christopher Nolan’s new movie, Interstellaaaahhhhhhhhh Since Interstellaahhhhh is going to be the movie you will be literally sick of hearing about come January, Anne, Jessica Chastain and Texas BBQ Revival Matthew McConaughey have been out pimping this movie hard.  During the London promo round,  a junket reporter decided to ask if Anne Hathaway was more like Annightmare to work with. Naturally, those movie star hos did not take kindly to one of their own being called out. Jessica Chastain said “Anne Hathaway is so nice” declared the red head, leaning into the mic for maximum effect and volume. “Everyone who says things like that are bullies and they’re mean. She’s so nice, she’s so talented, she’s intelligent and generous and a beautiful person and I hope to work with her again and again and again.” After she said that Anne Hathaway gently loosened the pressure from the scissors she had held against Jessica’s back, Chastain turned to her for approval and Anne shook her head slowly. She forgot “gorgeous” It’s the chokey for Jessica tonight. Texas BBQ Revival chimed in to say that Anne was super professional and shit. Which would make a change from that sloppy bitch Kate Hudson. “It was my first time working with Anne, and I really enjoyed it. One she’s a complete professional. She reminded me of something which I don’t always do, but it takes a lot of courage as an actor, my favourite thing that she did, that I learned from her, was variation of takes.” And then Chris...
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Fifty Shades of Grey sucks.

In the most unexpected, world-altering news you will read all week, the upcoming feature film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Why Is My Mother Reading This!?”  is a fucking damn mess and studio execs decided to drop the “R” word on the film – not ricin to kill that shit off sadly, but reshoots. According to US Weekly, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have all the chemistry of Renee Zellwegger’s New Face and The People on Twitter Talking About Renee Zellweger’s New Face All the Time, because producers of the movie are not happy and want them to reshoot a number of scenes, specifically ones where they have to get all sexy like. The ‘source’ went on to say that Dakota Johnson is turning the sensual on about as much as me after five gin martinis, and that is to say “trying, but not hard enough”. They allege she is about as sexy as, and I quote, a “dishrag”.  Sweet. In hilarious damage control of the story, Universal said the following about the movie. ‘No one should question the heat or intensity of our actors.’ Well of course Universals’ lead actors are all unquestionably hot and intense, so if you think that they are lukewarm you are WRONG and you should NOT question this. Those pricks at FOX, though? Yuck. The only thing you really need to know about this movie is that Rita Ora is also in it, and that is as they say, that.  
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Warm up those Best Actress, Best Picture and Best Wig Oscars

So this year’s Oscar race is already over before it started. Super talented actress, talented actress, actress, singer, human person Jennifer Lopez is the Matthew McConaughey of the year. No she didn’t lose 100 pounds, no she didn’t do any method acting shit, and no, she didn’t put on any latex prosthetics. But what she did do is give the fanciest $30,000 caramel blow-out wig straight out of Falcon’s Crest’s “Too Exquisite to Wear” pile a loving home in “The Boy Next Door” trailer. In the trailer J.Lo serves us up some “Beyonce in Obsessed“ realness,  except Jennifer Lopez plays a potential pedophile who instead of being a social menace, is sexy and hot because shes a LADY pedophile. In addition to this small detail that is brushed aside almost immediately, J.Lo brings that little La Lopez magic by doing the following 1. J.Lo say’s ridiculous things, such as “That’s the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time” in response to a compliment about her looks – because she’s such a disgusting, dowdy old maid and no one finds her attractive any more. 2. J.Lo ONLY sits in soft, glamorous lighting, because this movie definitely isn’t “ENOUGH”. If you thought you were going to get a gritty, compelling thriller, then the fact it’s clearly been shot on the old Desperate Housewives set should put you straight. 3. J.Lo looks all suspicious and scared when her teenage lover makes stand-up comic worthy implications that he boned her in-front of her family. And by looking suspicious and scared I mean she looks like a German Shepherd in a sweater taking a shit whilst his owner calls him to hurry up. 4. And finally, J.Lo dresses like she’s in the 70’s for the entire movie. Because why the fuck not, mustard is a lifestyle, people!! There’s a lot of...
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Guardians of the Galaxy is the biggest movie of the year

I have still to see Guardians of the Galaxy, but if the word of mouth is to be believed then my life will never be the same and I should cut off my testicles now because not even sex will compare to the awesomeness of this movie. As such it has now become the top-grossing movie of the year in America, beating out “Captain America: The Winter Soldier”  and it’s a dead-cert to cross $300 Million all in. Worldwide however, Guardians has some work to do. The superhero romp trails the billion-dollar grossing Transformers: Age of Extinction as well as Maleficent, X-Men, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and How to Train your Dragon 2. I have to give a slow hand clap to Disney and St Angie this year. Not only are Disney literally vomiting up Marvel money to then eat it up and shit it back out, but with the addition of Frozen’s international rollout and the huge overperformance of Maleficent as the second biggest film of the year worldwide, the Disney shareholders will be fapping into Maleficent branded cups as the tweak their icy money nipples. Another overperforming story at this years box-office is one which only genius and visionary Megan Fox foresaw, as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has not only opened well, but has actually developed impressive box office stamina as it lurches towards $200 Million. Disgustingly. Finally this weekend its worth mentioning that The Hundred Foot Journey has already passed a 4.0x multiplier after a month of release. This pic will definitely close north of $50 Million now as we predicted. I like saying “as we predicted” because not only do I get to be smug about being right, but I also get to pretend theres more than one of me, as If i had a conference about...
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Box Office: The Expendables 3 Flops hard

After Megan Fox foretold of box office history when a bunch of animated turds running around Megan Fox for two hours grossed more money than we will all see in our lifetimes, I had half expected her to come forth with her IMPORTANT PREMONITIONS for this weekend’s box office. Unfortunately it would appear Megan was too busy injecting vats of snake venom into her face as she didn’t give box office analysts jack shit. So without Megan’s otherworldly powers to guide them,  studio execs had to go by their own instincts, and those instincts were of course super fucking wrong. The Expendables 3 was expected to be the highest charting new release this weekend,  but it tanked hard and is looking at a launch behind other new release Let’s Be Cops for just $15.9 Million.  Lazy puns at how the Expendables have expired etc are well on their way from the fat fingers of weasley box office analysts across the land. As mentioned, Let’s Be Cops continues the summer tradition set by Transformers 4 and  last weekend’s TMNT  of absolute dross grossing more money than should be legally allowed. What surmounts to being New Girl in police uniforms without the slightly important ‘girl’ part was lambasted (I love that fucking word) by critics for sucking hard with a measly 11% on RT, but America don’t listen to no reviews. This means that shit show Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  is still the top film of the weekend and Megan Fox continues her reign of being the most successful film prop for another week. Elsewhere  Guardian’s of the Galaxy continue’s a robust performance towards being the top movie of the year having now grossed over $200 Million. The Giver was expected to be a sleeper hit this year, but then Katie Holmes joined the cast and we all know how that...
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