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PEW PEW PEW! Star Wars makes more money than life.

So the new Star Wars movie hit cinemas this weekend to the sound of a thousand nerd boners exploding all at once. The good news for us is that everyone really loves JJ Abrams reinvention of the saga, which is all fine and well but pushes Alias fans further towards the crushing reality that a reunion is increasingly unlikely. And the good news for JJ Abrams’ wallet is that Star Wars: The Force Awakens made more in one weekend than the GDP of Dominica. Globally the flick shattered records and grossed $528.9 Million (sound of frustrated Disney executives wishing for an extra $1.1 Million), of which a record-smashing $247.9 Million came from North America. It also nailed a bunch of other records to the wall which you can read here. And with the Holiday period ahead, expect violent battles for Star Wars toys to be making the headlines as this movie continues to serve DOLLA REALNESS to the movie industry. A few months ago Jurrasic World shocked everyone by making insane amounts of money and Star Wars was always the only likely contender for those records.. Elsewhere in the box office charts, Sisters debuted to a solid $13.9 Million, priming the well-recieved comedy for a long run over the festive period. An end total north of $70 Million is likely. Oddly, despite shedding 1,000 engagements and many IMAX showings, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 2 had the best top 10 drop of the weekend in the face of Star Wars which is probably good news given the film now trails part one by $35 million. Still, the movie stands a chance of outgrossing Part One in global gross, ensuring the one-two hit serves up a total global grossing of $1.5 Billion, so I’m guessing the widely unpopular decision to split the third chapter...
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‘Mockingjay’ becomes 2014’s biggest film.

As we’ve already documented, Hollywood is full of greedy-ass executives who will do anything to make a dollar. This includes splitting the shortest and shittiest instalment of ‘The Hunger Games’ trilogy into a two parter. Despite that decisions leading to a cooler critical and audience response,  ‘Mockingjay – Part One’  had the odds stacked in it’s favour as it became 2014’s biggest movie today. With just shy of $332 Million in the bank, Mockingjay   snuck past ‘The Guardians of the Galaxy’ to become the top grossing film of the year. Given that ‘Catching Fire’ was last year’s biggest picture, the franchise stands a good chance of three-peating it’s reign if Mockingjay – Part Two can push over the $400 Million mark in 2015. Of course, these are only domestic gross figures. Internationally, 2014 was Frozen’s  to own. This year’s global chart will see Mockingjay end up as only the third or fourth largest pic of the year, depending on results from the upcoming key China release. Japan is unlikely to contribute much, but with a holiday release in its favour, the pic could gross up to $50 Million from China alone. Still, Disney is unlikely to be worried. Frozen continued to gross well into 2014 with multiple theatrical re-releases, a record-breaking run on DVD and a soundtrack that became the biggest music release of the year. They also knocked it out of the park with the perfectly marketed breakout Maleficient (sealing the deal for Angie as a screen icon) and Marvel proved its on-going value as a smart acquisition, delivering a double whammy of Captain America: Winter Soldier and Guardians of the Galaxy. As Big Hero 6 performed admirably and with Into the Woods still climbing, Disney has had another stellar year.
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Bradley Cooper made ALL the money this weekend.

Now that we know an Alias reunion is a possibility, let’s sell this shit to executives since Bradley Cooper is a bankable movie star now. I’m not sure if Bradley Cooper would ask for second billing but bitch you need to remember you are, and always will be Will Tippin. You’re Jennifer Garner’s backup bitch, so don’t get all Oscar nominee on me for this shit, we need you humble and willing to take off your shirt, Bradley. Humble is not what the box office gross for his new Oscar nommed pic “American Sniper”  was on Friday. Sniper blew all expectations out of the water with a huge $30.5 million Friday total – which broke a bunch of January records (read: all of them) and also blew director Clint Eastwood’s’ previous entire weekend records out of the water. The industry had expected a $50 Million four day bow for Sniper which has, in turn, duly jizzed money all over the industry’s face. The film ended up making over $105 Million over the four day weekend and $89 Million over the three day. That is, by a significant margin, January’s biggest release ever. This will come as welcome news to the movie studio executives who’d expressed concern during recent research which showed the huge dip in box office grosses is due to it being too fucking expensive, though 10% of polled audiences said “the taste of Harvey Weinstein’s sweaty balls in my soda” was a limiting factor for their attendance too. I’m happy not just for Bradley Cooper, but for that birds nest of vagina known as Sienna Miller, who also got top billing for the film. As much as you bitches are going to roll your eyes in my general direction, Sienna Miller is an underrated actress. She’s like the super less annoying...
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DINOSAURS GO RAWR in Jurassic World trailer

Watching Jurassic Park is a spiritual experience, and as such the trailer for Jurassic World is fucking exciting shit. Missing from this trailer is basically everyone from the first movies, so this shit is definitely a “reboot” but could It have hurt to throw us some Laura Dern in there? A little perspective from an old hat? Whatever, I’ll be there opening night. This shit is amazing. Also, I guess Chris Pratt is a bonafide A-lister now, which is a pleasant surprise. Now can we get Anna Faris up out of the B- rosters too?
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‘The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1’ opens softer than expected.

In tragic sob-worthy news, 2014 has become the year where Hollywood executives have been forced to trade in their blood-diamond encrusted jacuzzis to ones made from humble silver and aluminum, because people have finally had enough of paying eight hundred dollars to go and see a movie being constantly interrupted by twats with mobile phones. Box office grosses are significantly down year on year, and because Hollywood executives are largely a bunch of stupid fucks, the industry was pinning all of its hopes on “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part One” to make dat money. It has, of course, but not enough for those greedy anuses! The movie opened to $17 Million from midnight showings despite widespread snowstorms on the eastern seaboard and no I-MAX grosses to help boost the returns this time around. That’s right, literally millions of people went to watch this shit at midnight through a fucking snowstorm and yet Hollywood execs are running out into the street, throwing their hands in their air and screaming “WHYYYY, WHYYYY CRUEL WORLD??” because they expected that shit to do marginally better.  Mockingjay also is estimated to be grossing $55.5 Million on Friday for around $130 Million this weekend which is almost a quarter down from Catching Fire and even down from the original Hunger Games (both opened above $150 Million) and those bitches are confused as to why. So I thought I’d help them figure it out. Reason number one: and Reason Number two   Those bitches got greedy! Mockingjay still got decent reviews and is getting solid word of mouth, but it’s definitively tepid compared to Catching Fire, and the reason? Because they took the shortest, weakest book in the series and split it into two entire two hour movies to make more fucking money. I saw Mockingjay on Wednesday and that shit is...
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Presenting: The sliding King Charles spaniel in the “Age of Adaline” trailer

Blake Lively jumped on the right dicks in Hollywood, that much is true, because Blake was cast in the MUCH COVETED role of Adaline in the movie “Age of Adaline” which was a top secret project for some/whatever reason. Well it’s not a secret any more because the hos at Lionsgate decided to ship the “Adaline” trailer with “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part One – The bit where Katniss sits underground for a lot of the time and looks really sad”  because The Hunger Games 3 is going to sex a lot of eyeballs this weekend. Blake managed to beat out Katherine Hagel who got fired from this shit so we can at least be thankful that we wont have to watch Hagel massacre another movie. The trailer features Blake Lively as an ageless beauty (!) who makes hos suspicious because she’s got a broken ageing switch . Blake can NEVER LOVE because everyone around her dies (she’s like the human version of The Ring) and despite Hollywood having basically already done this with The Time Travellers Wife, they are never one to let a relatively blah idea go without giving a good second shake. The best thing about the Age of Adaline trailer is around 1 Minute 36 when this little bad boy comes along YASS! The sliding King Charles Spaniel steals the show! That bitch has better hair than Blake, is more lively than Blake, and moves more convincingly than Blake. That Spaniel is probably giggling in it’s trailer whilst reading and doing blow from the tits of a Poodle. Blake Lively could NEVER and should give up. Age of Adaline shall henceforth be known as Age of Spanieline.
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