Here we are. The moment I’ve been waiting for for at least two minutes.
It’s taken this movie a long, long time to cross the pond from it’s initial US debut, and I can only assume that is in order to whip desperate UK TV audiences into an even greater frenzy as Lindsay Lohan’s star keeps rising. Or maybe it’s because lifetime were fairly certain a seventeeth repeat of Toddlers and Tiaras would rate better. Who knows.
Anyway, join me in this illustrious journey as together, with a bottle of wine, as we battle through….Liz and Dick.
21:00 So the title sequence is pretty classy. Lots of Serif fonts. My wine glass is empty though, and I dont think that’s a good way to start the evenings proceedings. Thank god for Sky+. BRB. Topping up glass.
21:07 Shit. Im back you guys, and the wine is all gone. I found a miller instead, I guess since this is a Lifetime movie Miller is an acceptable accompanying beverage. Whatever, all I know is that if im not drunk by the end It’s a problem.
Oh god. Grant Bowler’s accent and everything is perfect already. And by perfect I mean the opposite of what I am saying.
21:12 Lilo is here at last and her lips look like should have had a third billing.
21:14 They’ve opted to do a black floating heads actor studio interlude thing and it involves Lindsay Lohan smoking a lot with a terrible english accent. Which is pretty much i’d imagine a standard day for Lindsay Lohan.
21:15 They’re in Rome. We know it’s rome from a singular aerial stock shot of Rome. No bad greenscreen yet.
21:18 Lindsay Lohan sounds like shes in the parent trap. Except shes not, and that makes me sad.
21:19 You know who would have made a better Liz Taylor? Everyone else that starred in The Parent Trap. Even the dog that played the dog in The Parent Trap. Even the Butler in the Parent Trap. Even Dennis Quad in The Parent Trap would have made a better Liz Taylor. Okay im going hard here, but really…
21:19 Richard and Elizabeth hate each other, we have learned this through copious, cringeworthy exchanges of shite banter. Which has concluded with them making out on a bed infront of the entire set. Which is naturally what I do with someone I hate.
20:20 So hes cheating on his first wife now with her which is like “OMG LOLZ U GUYS” through the jovial use of music and one-liners.
21:23 Shit, my timestaps got a little fucked up there . It’s the Miller. Sybil Burton has thus far proven herself to be the only actress who’s actually trying thus far, and she’s leaving the picture in 5…4….3……
21:24 So we’re at the most awkward dinner party of all time. Grant Bowler and Lindsay Lohan are really going all out here to win their school play, which is what I assume is happening here. A school play set to jovial Lifetime music. Seriously, they coughed up all that fucking money for Lindsay Lohan and they couldn’t spend a dollar on the score?
21:27 Lindsay Lohan “Who knew Italy could be so hot?” . Answer: The entire fucking planet, that’s who Lindsay.
21:28 Grant Bowler keeps speaking in shitty poetry about Lindsay’s breasts. It’s like really, really uncomfortable.
21:29 Lindsay Lohan in this movie kind of reminds me of Britney Spears in her Femme Fatale tour. Like, she’s hitting the marks and whatever, but you can tell her mind is constantly ticking over to predict the next….line.
21:30 Wonderful green-screen work here said absolutely no one ever. Would it be too hard to find some Italian inspired locations in California? Isn’t the whole fucking place faux California?
21:33 Lindsay immediately tries to commit suicide instantly after his ex-wife. Almost as much stunt queen behaviour as the casting of Lindsay Lohan as ELIZABETH TAYLOR. Wikipedia says Megan Fox was also considered for the role. MEGAN. FOX. Hollywood needs to have a good long hard look at itself you guys.
21:34 I know Grant Bowler is knocking on a bit but phwoar, that man can fill out a towel. I bet we’d have good times.
22:46. I had a toilet and texting break. I’m sorry that I failed you. Okay i might have had a little nap.
22:50 “It’s for the CHILLLLDREN ELIZABETH. I CANT DOOO IT TO THE CHILLLLLDREN….my heart is BROKEN and you have the SMASHED PIECES!!!!!” There’s a thousand roflcopters circling this movie.
22:52 We are now in Switzerland, and definitely not Pasadena.
22:53 This flawless moment of acting greatness just occurred
23:17 I paused to figure out how best to live blog this. It did not go great.
23:21 Lindsay Lohan apparently just through a bottle of Vodka across the room. This was obviously a prop filled with water. It’s Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about here.
23:22 Let the record show I just believed Lindsay Lohan crying. It was momentary, but she did that ugly tear wiping snotty kind of cry that comes from the gut.
23:23 Lindsay looked off screen for all of four seconds and Grant interrupted her to ask “Elizabeth, where are you?”. The lost art of the pregnant pause.
23:26 Grant Bowler is 45. Lindsay Lohan is 27. I’m not sure if that says that Lindsay is looking particularly old for her age, or that casting directors believe Grant Bowler is looking particularly young for his.
What i do know is that watching these two try and strike up some form of chemistry is kind of boggling my tiny mind .
23:33 The outfits are pretty cool. I wonder how many Lindsay nicked after the filming finished.
23:34 Sybil has left the building. The only actress who knew what she was doing in this trainwreck has checked out. Slow handclap for Sybil everyone. Sybil was played tonight by Tanya Franks.
23:38 Grant to Lindsay : “Did I ever tell you, I learned everything I know about film acting from you?” And this is why your the guy who gets his shirt off on Ugly Betty, Grant.
23:41 We’re in Montreal. Shy on the external shots again.
23:41 They are getting married, aw. Weddings are so sweet. Especially when they are set against music ripped directly from a mexican soap opera.
23:42 Lindsay looks really good in red with dark hair. Like, dark hair Lindsay is my second favourite Lindsay.
23:45 They are at the academy awards, which for budgetary reasons is no larger than the size of four chairs.
23:48 Lindsay is confused by a newspaper with the headline CLEO-FAT-RA.
23:53 This is a really boring sequence in Mexico where she won an Oscar. But now its getting exciting because they are broke.
23:54 They are in yacht in Portofino. It’s pretty lush. Im really jealous of the second unit photographers who took all the greenscreen shit.
00:02 Richard Burton just bought a diamond ring for $1.05 Million for her. Buisness manager is filmed having a minor aneurysm
00:09 Lindsay Lohan kind of feels like shes playing his daughter. It aint sitting right with me.
00:11 Grant Bowler swigging from a Vodka bottle is his TOUR DE FORCE part of the performance.
00:12 “I may be your ocean but, he was your anchor”. Good God.
00:14 I wish i knew how to make gifs to make a gif of the moment Lindsay had to topple a table over. It was like watching a puppy try to push open a door.
00:18 Epic scriptwriting. A doctor walks into a room, Lilo is bedded for a leg injury. He says “Your Blood Tests…Look, I’m not saying it’s colon cancer but…” I guess time really is money on a Lifetime set.
00:20 Doctor returns. False Alarm! The tension was killing me for all of two minutes. Apparently, Colon cancer was enough to get Richard Burton to propose at the bedside.
00:22 Richard is DEAD. which gives way to the most beautiful piece of Lindsay faint acting OF ALL TIME. Imma Let you finish other fainting actors, but Lindsay Lohan just fainted the BEST FAINT OF ALL TIME.
Now i know what happens to Lindsay when she walks into a hotel and they say “Sorry sweetheart, this is a dry bar”.
00:25 Okay I am now a little confused. I guess the actors studio is purgatory for actors, because they are both there. BUT HES DEAD THOUGH.
And that was it folks. I was hoping for more showgirls level moments of campiness…but it was pretty awesome. The fainting. The eyerolls. The total abandon of all attempts at correctly acting. Well done Lindsay and Grant, because just like Richard Burton did Blackbeard for da money, Lindsay did Liz and Dick for DA MONEY.
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