Last Person Available to sell out Britney Spears does so.
As the Britney Spears of 2014 consists of a plainly dressed woman driving to the gym, working out, buying Starbucks, going to soccer games with her kids and then dancing on a stage for a few hours a day, the tabloid industry have cruelly forced us to endure The Kardashians instead, but, in these dark days we struggle on knowing that we gave our glory days of vulturism up for the greater good of the Britney.
Speaking of vultures and Britney, anal wart and former paparazzo/Britney Boyfirend Adnan Ghalib has run out of money to fund perfectly manured facial hair only designed for persian concubines and as such has sold his story, again, of the darkest days of Brit Brit seven years ago.
As the article is actually quite sad and also long as fuck (Translation: He got £80,000 rather than £15,000) I will brief you on it because I’m a kind soul and also because no-one should have to read the journalism of The Sun.
Adnan said that Britney
- Was high one minute then low the next when she took “vitamins” given to her by staff.
- Would cry uncontrollably and lock herself away in her room whenever a visitation with her children was cancelled, calling out their names in tears for hours.
- Had a mental breakdown at Christmas when she saw her kids presents under the tree and opened her kids presents clutching them and crying out their names.
- Had an adderall problem. DURR.
- Drank a lot of red bull. DOUBLE DURR.
- Thinks Britney is still in love with him. Errr…
- Had a pregnancy scare with him. Ew.
- Is a good mum. Agreed.
- Has no interest in working in music any more and wanted to quit in 2007 intending Blackout to be her last album. TRIPLE DURRR
So all in all Adnan basically paints Britney as a tragic woman tired of the business who was deeply affected by the breakdown of her marriage to the stage she embraced prescription drugs and alcohol too much, compounded infinitely when she lost her kids.
What he forgot to mention is that she had constant beer goggles on, because DAMN BRITNEY WHAT WERE U THINKIN GURL.
Hitting it with Adnan Ghalib after even Kevin Federline is like a mayjuh downgrade. MAYJAH.
Poor Brit Brit. The only joy in her life right now is probably knowing that this Vegas gig of hers is her final gig. Please everyone, go see Britney Spears in Las Vegas. Every ticket sold goes towards her retirement Cheetos fund – where she is saving to buy the biggest bath of Cheetos in the entire world in which she can frolic and play night and day.