Kim Kardashian’s ass is about to get bigger.
In important news HAPPY HOGMANAY! I hope you are totally drunk and reveling in the festivities when you read this message, because this is called a SHIT SANDWICH, in which i wrap some really terrible news in much better news. So as you read this, just remember all of the excitement you’ve felt over the festive season.
Kanye West has announced “girlfriend” Kim Kardashian is pregnant with his first child. The part cottage-cheese, part gay-fish hybrid baby is currently growing inside Kim’s satanic womb and we can safely assume that stretch marks are about to be redefined and the founders of Spanx are ready to float an IPO higher than Facebooks with this news.
Kanye announced the news on-stage (because he’s a stunt queen) and Khloe Kardashian quickly hit twitter to rant about her excitement saying
“Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!”
Of course Khloe is excited because she’s finally going to have a baby to mother as her own and since she’s the last of her kind, she can pass down her chewbacca traditions.
In order to conclude my shit sandwich, I’d like to also say that Chestica Simpson is once again pregnant too, which is just spiffing for ChiChi spotters across the land. Queen of all Chests has already tweeted a picture of her magnificent tittaes and growing bump.