Katie Holmes was just a few days ago regarded as one of the finest beards to have ever walked the land. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!
Katie can kiss goodbye her coveted front-page spread on Beards Weekly’s “Beards of the Year” issue because the editor made a quick phone-call and that shit is being handed to Deborra Lee-Furness and Kelly Preston now.
Many are dazed and confused as to why Katie deleted the part of her programming that consistently declared true and everlasting love so early in the game, as Tommy Girl might as well flush a quick million down the toilet if his beard is only going to grow for five years, well TMZ has shed some light on this situation (TMZ is the Jessica Fletcher of the celebrity world, except you know, annoying) and they are calling it SEA ORG.
Apparently Sea Org is some giant hardcore Scientology ship that goes around the oceans holding people fucking prisoner enlightening people on the wonders of Thetans and if you don’t listen they will throw you off the edge of the ship. Not really, maybe. Is Scientology plagiarizing JJ Abrams now?
Katie obviously got her contract and her giant magnifying glass out and saw that there was no detailing of sending her 6 year old away on a thetan ship in the middle of the ocean in the papers and therefore Tom was taking shit TOO FAR.
Katie has also fired basically every Scientology related person around her and has gone back to the people she was represented by before signing a deal with the devil. Well that doesn’t really matter because apparently Scientology are keeping close tabs on her ass by tailing her everywhere to make sure the “Confidentiality” microchip doesn’t malfunction too. Though i find it hard to believe that Katie is suddenly “spooked” by Scientology. That’s like playing a ouija board and being spooked when your ass is haunted by a fucking poltergeist. You know what shit you sign up for when you touch the glass Katie.
Literally can’t make this shit up. Thanks TomKat, we all needed this.
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