Jessica Simpson’s dad is maybe gay.
You know as a kid I used to go on about how hot Pamela Anderson was to hide my secret Steve Guttenberg crush (Not ashamed). Given that Pamela Anderson didn’t always look like a cracked out chain-smoking waitress on route 66, it kind of worked. Probably not so much today…
Anyway, it turns out what I was doing at 12 is the same thing as Pastor Joe Simpson has been doing with his daughters breasts all his damn life. You’ve heard him audibly drool over Jessica Simpson’s tittieballs and essentially shout “WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO BANG HER?” at every press event she’s ever attended, but turns out uncomfortable overtones of incest are ALL A FACADE.
According to everyone, Joe Simpson’s marriage breakdown has been attributed to his secret and scandalous relationship with 21 year old TWINK TO RULE THE TWINKS Bryce Chandler Hill.
Above: Alleged human Male Bryce Chandler Hill.
Just to clarify as it isn’t super clear from the above image, Bryce might look like a pretty lesbian after hitting the frosted lipgloss harder than Xtina hits it EVERYTHING at a MAC Counter (And/Or All You Can Eat Buffet for that matter) but he is indeed a male, and that means Papa Joe is a gay!
Bryce is supposedly the reason Papa Joe’s marriage fell apart, because wife Tina stumbled upon the shocking scandal when she realized a whole bunch of money from her joint account with Joe had hopped out of there to take a vacation in Bryce’s gift bag, and she also noticed that Bryce’s headshots were taken in their family home. Joe might as well have worn a string vest and aussiebums if this is his secrecy game. Epic failure.
Somewhere in the mix, Jessica’s friend Cacee Cobb has reappeared. Cacee basically was enlisted by Tina to find out the TRUTH. Cacee Cobb is like Nancy Drew of the 21st Century. Cacee naturally uncovered the truth in record time without even having to lift a finger, because she has years and years of experience with ACME and…well to be honest this has no real relevance to the story, but remember the days when Cacee Cobb was just like, fucking everywhere? Every time you’d open a tabloid, Cacee Cobb would be in the background of any single shot. She was the female Brandon Davis. Nostalgia over paparazzi shots, thats some sad shit right there.
The plot further thickens as Radar online presents stunning lionlike beauty Joey Anderson who claims to have been paid $600 to suck off Papa Joe in a New York hotel room. Reading his “Daddy Reviews” page is golden. You suddenly realize that being a hooker is now like running a b&b, you have to do some TripAdvisor aftercare now and apologise for being drunk as hell before you have to moose it with a “54 year old overweight businessman” who tells fellow older fatties to “avoid” as if he has bedbugs or some shit.