If you are standing up, sit down. If you are sitting down, put down any hot beverages. If you are sleeping, wake up but ensure you are surrounded by the cushions of Lisa Rinna’s pillow lips because PageSix has some SHOCKING and SCANDALOUS new information about Jay-Z and Beyonce’s marriage that will almost certainly make you pass out, stop all current wars due to weeping and shaking soldiers and probably cease the production of all questionable lace-front weaves forever.
PageSix (Six is the number of the DEVIL for this dark-sided smear story) claims that Beyonce and Jay-Z aren’t really the true life version of Belle and the Beast and that Solange isn’t really Mrs Potts.
Solange, is that you?
PageSix say Bey and Jay are only together for mutual business and nothing more.
The source claims that their romance started out all one-sided, with Jay-Z being obsessed with Beyonce but Beyonce being like “Why dis ugly dude keep calling me?”.
Because Beyonce was raised in the House of Ruthless Ambition Dereon, the Knowles’ quickly recognized that Jay-Z would be mutually beneficial to Thiefonce’s career in swagger-jacking from artists and other celebrities.
It was a master stroke of marketing: She gave him class, he gave her cred. Jay Z was infatuated with Beyoncé, says the source, but the bottom line was business; he knew he could do big things for her, and together they could be a juggernaut. For Beyoncé, however, it was a slower burn. According to an interview with the website Celebuzz, her uncle Larry Beyince said that initially his niece had no interest. “He was after her and she wasn’t,” Beyince said. “She told me she wasn’t too fond of him … I guess she wasn’t attracted to him.”
The source goes on to say that Beyonce was only interested in Jay for his savvy business-mind, because Jay-Z kind of looks like Joe Camel. At some stage Beyonce saw inner beauty somewhere and fell in love with Jay but that shit has since evaporated and now they are purely faking it.
PageSix suggests that they were both hitting it on the side throughout their relationship, and that the landing strip of Barbados known as Rihanna is probably Jay-Z’s current piece, and that he was going to see her the night Solange transformed into her ultimate form and smacked down Jay-Z hard.
For a feminist who sings shit songs about girls running the world, Beyonce sure has spent a lot of time being controlled by other men.
Beyonce’s controlling shareholders.
First her father, Matthew Knowles, was essentially a slave driver and master puppeteer of Destiny’s Child, and then after that shit Beyonce moved from one controlling man in her life to another in Jay-Z.
“Beyoncé had gone from one man to another, never truly being on her own,” the source said, adding, “There’s no bigger controller than Jay Z.”
Finally(Stop crying to take a breath), the article paints Beyonce and Jay-Z as two ruthlessly ambitious bitches who’ve been more than happy to phone in that marriage to make DAT MONEY, and that Beyonce’s ego is so great that she has had a film crew record her every day since 2005, and stores all of the rushes from her filming in a climate controlled NBC Warehouse. Because there’s not a shit that Beyonce takes that shouldn’t be noted as the most beautiful, humble, gorgeous shit of all time on celluloid.
I think we should all take a moment to stop and thank Solange who was let out of the tea cupboard long enough to cause a ruckus and bring the world’s attention to the fact that Beyonce and Jay-Z haven’t done any authentic since they flopped out of the womb. I can’t wait for Disney to re-imagine this classic tale of true love with the new Beyonce and Jay-Z angle where Mrs Potts is definitely played by Solange and is the evil orchestrator of the downfall of fake love. Maleficent needs to watch out for Mrs Potts.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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