Jennifer Garner is pregnant with Lindsay Shookus’ alien baby.
Jennifer Garner. Why can’t a sister just buy a fuckin eggplant in peace?
The tabloids are transfixed with her. TRANS-FIXED. Salacious pictures of her walking around in jeans with her kids at farmers markets buying strawberries? Hold the press! Jennifer Garner just looked at an orange! Breaking News – Jennifer Garner spotted canoodling with an apple! This just in, Jennifer Garner is grape-curious.
Jesus, the poor woman can’t even eat a burrito, because everyone keeps TELEPHOTO ZOOMING on her stomach to see if she’s pregnant with on-again, off-again (NOT FUCKING REALLY) beau Ben Affleck.
Except the problem with the narrative being shoved down our pipe-holes to sell tabloids for months, is that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have no real interest in reconciling. In fact, Ben is now hitting it with SNL producer Lindsay Shookus, a woman with a great resume but questionable choice in penis friends.
Of course, this is information you’d be painfully aware of if you’d stepped into a newsagents for the past two-weeks; every tabloid is using an unflattering image of Jennifer Garner with the subtitle “JEN FURIOUS” or “JEN TELLS SHOOKUS TO STAY AWAY FROM THE KIDS” or “JEN SHARTS ALL OVER LINDSAY SHOOKUS’ GRAVE IN SHOCKING FLASH FORWARD” .
The truth is, neither of them seem interested in throwing each other in the shit dumpster for individual press gain. They are having an uninteresting split after, I’m sure, a shitty few years of not having a working marriage.
So let Jennifer Garner go the the farmers market and buy fucking fruit in peace. Tell her with your disinterest that “We don’t care about you unless you start making good movies again, please please make a good movie you under-rated, talented actress” and maybe she’ll stop signing up for embarrassing messes where she’s falling in love with cats or something. The more you buy magazines with Jennifer Garner staring at a squash, the more likely we are to get a movie where she plays the mother to a magic carpet.