Hollywood execs slash coke and hookers budget during tough quarter.
Hollywood’s leading executives today announced a 45% cut across the board in key budgetary areas previously considered ‘essential’ to the successful running of a film studio, as investors tighten pocket strings amid lackluster results.
The industry has been slammed for a poorly performing, big-budget slate this year. And execs are scrambling to blame each other, the weather, a wrestling match, and a pug they saw walking past in Burbank this one time for the catastrophic numbers. But the damage has been done, and cuts are ‘inevitable’ we were told weeks ago, ahead of this latest announcement from the Union of Executives who released this internal memo.
“Effective immediately, executives across Burbank will be asked to make cuts to the following areas in order to streamline business and increase margins:
The budgets for crack, coke and intravenous drugs will be slashed 40% until a healthy recovery in profitability is achieved, and budgets for prostitutes, sex rings and murder-cover-ups will be slashed by 45% as a reflection of how mad everyone is with us though you guys, this is super serial.
Furthermore, we will have a reduced budget to wiretap moviestars for the time being, and our cover-up budget for Zac Efron is also going to be reduced until we see stronger ROI.”
It is our understanding that there is also talk to cut budgets for un-necessary transport and that the average envoy of execs to a Johnny Depp set will shrink from 30 to 15 which is considered ‘the bare minimum to keep him hating life’.
Big budget flop ‘Valerian’ alone resulted in Cindy, a popular stripper in the circuit, being informed that she would be let go unless she either got a tit-job or if economic recovery was indicated within the month.
“We’re all really worried about how creative we can be in ruining final cuts of movies and also inserting our opinion on how fat women look on camera,” said one exec who further suggested that we lose ’15 to 20 pounds to become a 4′. And there is “a real fear” that they “may never be able to sit and do absolutely nothing but creatively diminish a movie again at this rate” said another.
We are told from industry insiders that if numbers continue to slip in a disastrous year for the industry in which they are only making several billions of dollars, that there is a real risk of actresses actually being allowed to develop some form of self-esteem and directors may actually be given the room to title their movies appropriately without endless AB testing’.
We’ll keep you updated as this situation changes.