Heidi Montag needs to employ these producers IMMEDIATELY

Heidi Montag needs to employ these producers IMMEDIATELY

Sorry Beyonce, Sorry Alicia Keys, Sorry John Legend – no point in turning up at the Grammy’s this year because song of the year, record of the year, rap record of the year, video vanguard award, and whatever other shit goes on at the Grammy’s is all going to a new smash hit global sensation and you will all just deal.

Summertime is Great by family band “Three Beat Slide” (aka the next Jackson Five) features the slickest production, most stunning powerhouse vocals and frankly all-round impeccable song-writing of all time.

This groundbreaking family band know not only how to produce next-level music which speaks across generations, but are also on the cutting edge of haute couture fashion (for Wyoming) and took a quick second out of nailing The Oregon Trail on their Apple II to show us, YES you can look like pure charisma in human form when wearing a pink bathing suit. YES you can keep it sultry when riding a bike through a field. YES you can make a scarf into a fun game for one and all And YES YES YES you can sport elegantly high waisted trouser/sneaker combinations as a timeless look for barbecuing under the shade of the trees.

All of your summer dreams come true in Summertime is Great, like a spirital sequel to a Bob Marley summer jam. Heidi Montag and Backdoor Farrah are definitely knocking down Three Beat Slide’s door for their songwriting and production expertise…and who can blame them? Who needs verses, pitching, or timing? The future of music has arrived, and its looking a lot like Summertime.

What does worry me for this exciting, emerging talent is the possible presence of Diana Ross syndrome. The Diana is clearly Daddy Slade. Daddy Slade may have had the least screentime of all, but he had the MOST glamour.  He plays guitar and has a motorbike, (as if you needed any more convincing that these guys are going to be doing coke off of a strippers ass in 6-10 months time.) Daddy Slade really knows how to flip a burger, and can flip my burger any day! Be still my beating heart.

Also of note is the unexplained roving ball of lighting that comes from Daughter Slide’s hands. Illuminati connections are real and are definitely behind their burgeoning success. When Daughter Slide walks down that grey, murky ass beach, her angelic voice is enough to lighten up the entire screen until you feel like you are on the blinding sands of the Seychelles.

In perhaps the climax of the video, the roving ball of lighting appears to cause Daughter and Son Slide to spin uncontrollably  around a theme park pier to be greeted by this stunned Alligator.


This alligator could not handle the EXCESSIVE levels of Disneyland Chic, probably one fannypack away from total extinction.

In related news im really glad the internet wasnt a thing when I was making videos at this age. There is only so much “I am a secret detective” glamour the internet can take and I dont think it would have been ready for that.

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