Fifty Shades of Grey sucks.

In the most unexpected, world-altering news you will read all week, the upcoming feature film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Why Is My Mother Reading This!?”  is a fucking damn mess and studio execs decided to drop the “R” word on the film – not ricin to kill that shit off sadly, but reshoots.

According to US Weekly, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have all the chemistry of Renee Zellwegger’s New Face and The People on Twitter Talking About Renee Zellweger’s New Face All the Time, because producers of the movie are not happy and want them to reshoot a number of scenes, specifically ones where they have to get all sexy like.

The ‘source’ went on to say that Dakota Johnson is turning the sensual on about as much as me after five gin martinis, and that is to say “trying, but not hard enough”. They allege she is about as sexy as, and I quote, a “dishrag”.  Sweet.

In hilarious damage control of the story, Universal said the following about the movie.

No one should question the heat or intensity of our actors.’

Well of course Universals’ lead actors are all unquestionably hot and intense, so if you think that they are lukewarm you are WRONG and you should NOT question this. Those pricks at FOX, though? Yuck.

The only thing you really need to know about this movie is that Rita Ora is also in it, and that is as they say, that.


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