Eight actresses to appear at Oscars “technically dead”
In the fight to bag the most sought after couture and look the skinniest at the 2013 Academy Awards, eight young actresses will appear at the awards show technically dead, LA-Deli has learned.
The actresses, who will remain un-named, have not been eating for the past six months in preparation for the Oscars. Whilst this isn’t unusual, and many other actresses have experienced “a couple of heart failures”, eight of the most dedicated actresses have passed away due in large part to excessive juice cleansing, laxatives and salad poking.
The actresses, some of whom are nominated for awards, will still appear though and have been pre-posed by their publicists for red carpet duties. “She looks fabulous, and after a mystic tan she’ll look pretty much the same as she does alive” said one.
After their red-carpet moment, they’ll immediately be taken to an resuscitation room especially established by The Academy for just this kind of low calorie revival. Within the resus room I’m told there will also be a McDonalds stand, and two thousand Krispy Kreme donuts which are expected to be inhaled by the actresses on their revival, only to be later purged in a moment of shame-filled self loathing in Mickey Rourke’s bathroom.
The publicist for one of the deceased told LA Deli “My client can’t really act for shit, so the only thing she’s known for is looking kind of like a birch branch who wears Oscar De La Renta . Just before she passed out, she said that if she didn’t make it, make sure I didn’t angle her to the right, because her right hand side is her fat side. “
Fashion insiders have already predicted all 8 of the actresses will top the best dressed lists because they’ve already been acclaimed for all of their Awards seasons choices thus far, during the period when their insides were eating themselves. “We prefer the ‘series of coathangers wrangling together under some satin’ look this year” commented a fashion insider.