Who the fuck are these people?
People.com remains the world-leader in providing relevant, up to date information, news and stories about people whom we don’t fucking know or care about. Indeed, this latest story about Dylan Sprouse (????) allegedly cheating on girlfriend Dayna Frazer (????????????????) will shock the many fans of absolute nobodies to the core.
People.com talk about ‘fans’ being shocked in their story, which implies that either of these two people have fans. Apparently, Dylan Sprouse was an actor on the kids’ TV show the Suite Life of Zack and Cody where he played the title role, which is news to me because there are about 54 billion of those Disney shows and out of all of its stars I think I probably know about four of them. Dylan also has 3.6 Million twitter followers (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and that means more people follow him than Mandy Moore who is an icon and a legend for bringing us this emotional and tender ballad and school in the divine art of sexy-mouth lip-syncing.
Anyway, apparently, this kid cheated on his girlfriend who Instagrammed a picture of her crying with the caption “When you found out your bf cheated on you”. Of course, People.com is ALL OVER that because they love nothing more than people cheating on other people. Schadenfreude publication remains schadenfreude.
See, even hot models hurt when their hot actor boyfriends cheat on them, and then share that on the internet with the full knowledge it will damage his reputation because HE HAD IT COMING.
Of course the very well-known Sprouse had to release a statement to follow up being ZAPPED IN THE DICK by an Instagram. In it, he basically said “Yeah i fucked another vagine, mind you’re own fucking business!”
“I will say this and only this: by adhering to an assumption based on limited information, you neglect the complicated nature of this issue,” the actor wrote in a series of tweets. “The truth always has two sides, and those sides have motivations, and those motivations, despite how cloudy they currently seem, are private.”
He continued, “This is complicated and it will remain complicated, but those who know me and who have known me, know well enough what kind of person I am. And that is all.”
That statement is highly versed in the skill of admitting it without taking any responsibility for it, which is pretty much to be expected from a young actor in Hollywood!
This story was not only published by People, but by numerous other publications , which suggests in the age of influencers and teen stars that literally don’t do anything, that we are going to get a lot more stories about people we don’t give a fuck about.
And as the hunger for celebrity gossip increases, the bar of what we define as ‘famous’ is now somewhere between the girl who serves you at Olive Garden and the local hobo that everyone knows because he pisses on the flowerbeds and screams “SUCK MY TITS, ELIJAH WOOD!”.
The real shame is that TRUE stars like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are out sharing with the world a rare private moment in candid and gorgeous shots of them and no one is talking about it. I leave you with a palette cleanser from old-school A+ Listers, Speidi. Beyonce better watch out because Heidi is coming for her with this stunning curated shoot of her pregnancy.