Christine Bleakley is “Still a thing we are trying to make happen” – ITV
ITV have revealed that person who still exists Christine Bleakley is set to provide maternity cover on This Morning for eternally pregnant Holly Willoughby as she continues to build an army of middle-class children.
The move represents ITV’s renewed commitment to forcing people you probably don’t mind very much down your throat until you ultimately loathe them because THERE’S THEIR STUPID FACE ON THE SIDE OF A FUCKING BUS AGAIN.
Christine was a notable sign for ITV back in 2010 when they poached her from the BBC for £4 Million. Since ITV had just undergone huge company-wide redundancies, her deal went down about as well as Kathy Griffin stand up in Syria.
It quickly became apparent that Christine mightttt not have been the powerhouse ITV had hoped for when Daybreak was in hot competition in the ratings with Gems TV’s 1.30am Super Amethyst Sale Bonanza!
So ITV did what any company would with the prospect of a horrifyingly expensive attempt at cockblocking without any research into the people behind it on their hands – they shoe-horned poor Christine into anything and everything they could find!
Christine in Dancing on Ice! Christine in Text Santa! Christine in ITV’s Music Specials! Christine in You’ll all watch any old shit! Basically, Christine in everything you’d rather see Holly in, and everything poor bloody Kate Garraway wishes you’d rather see her in.
ITV needs you to love Christine, and Christine needs you to love Christine, but Christine probably just needs bed more than that right now because jesus ITV, let the woman sleep.
After Christine’s latest ITV venture was added to the growing evidence that viewers might not be connecting with her, ITV’s bigwigs naturally sat down and carefully re-evaluated their star’s brand. They looked closely at her audience, appeal and abilities and determined that whilst she’s quite lovely(and honestly, she is lovely), she lacks the accessibility so essential for ITV’s extremely broad core audience and suffered a chronic failure at developing any on-air personality. They decided that Christine’s profile wasn’t working for their target auds and quietly parted company with her.
Except of course not! Christine is back AGAIN! She’ll be the new Holly until ITV can convince Annie Lennox to do a Christine- fronted music special to be filled with awkward questions answered with a mixture of visible disdain and weird haikus.
One thing i’ve learned from watching British TV is that the only thing more important to a tv network than actual audience feedback, ratings and profitability is a weird need to create a stable of stars that conform to their brand identity and become synonymous with the networks. Because without them, how the hell are they supposed to make these….