Chris Martin might have been banging Alexa Chung

Chris Martin might have been banging Alexa Chung

So because celebrity relationships are SERIOUS BUSINESS, we are still talking about the split so shocking that we  should have cut to an audience shot of some guy in a suit picking his nose and eating as he drifted off. Yes, its Gwyneth and Chris Splitsgate Episode 2 and we are talking about some serious-she-probably-didnt-even-go-to-the-farmers-market-today shit, because according to the Nancy Drew asses at ONTD and Lainey Gossip– both of their asses were cheating in their fucked up open relationship, and Chris totally fell in love with Alexa Chung.

According to ONTD, those bitches basically made Glastonbury 2013 their Paris, and walked around the shitty muddy fields together posing for pictures and probs laughing at Goop together.

In a terrifying twist, apparently Goopy accepted that Alexa was “younger and skinnier” than her. Uhm. Just to clarify, Goopy eats a quarter salad leaf once a decade and is essentially the closest thing you can get to having a bag of bones as an animated human person, so when I read this I googled “Alexa Chung Skinny” and shit dude, Alexa Chung looks like a bag of twiglets fighting together for dominance .

Alexa, (just so you know) is a former MTV presenter and now redundant fashion person. Despite her extreme lack of burgers, she is a pretty face, but pretty much epitomizes all that is wrong with a British tv culture which rewards only posh home counties sets with careers. Alexa basically will be seen seated next to the likes of Carla De Laviwhatever and other hipster indie skanks at the second row of important fashion shows for the foreseeable future, because shes too hot to do anything else really, but too skinny to do anything that requires any actual energy. So there’s that.

Alexa Chung and Chris Martin totally make sense to me. Both are totally too posh to wash, and both are totally going to be holding hands walking around Camden market in ten weeks as he buys her a funny hat and she asks him if he wants to go behind the stables and do some meth.

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