Chris Martin and Goopy Paltrow to split
Because being married to Gwneyth Paltrow is like being committed to a dried up riesen who forces you to take a daily enema, the separation announcement that absolutely nobody saw coming (read: even fucking water bears saw this coming) has finally dropped where Goopy decided to announce that Chris is off doing Lovey things without her now.
It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.
Gwyneth & Chris
Only Goopy could make a split-up statement seem like she’s trying to find the origins of religion.
Now now, I know what your thinking, blame the woman – how predictable…what if Chris had a roving dick, what if Goopy didn’t actually fuck some millionaire.Well to that I say, fuck you reader! It’s Gwyneth Paltrow!
Sex with Gwyneth Paltrow is probably like dry fucking a rusty mattress spring (Because she’s rolled over and let you have your way with it so she doesn’t get an achey pelvis for Yoga). Romance with Gwyneth Paltrow is like trying to seduce the trunchbull (Because Paris is SO cliche and she’s done it ALL) and because trying to talk to Gwyneth Paltrow over dinner must feel like constantly being at a PTA meeting where your wife is that insufferable bitch called Gwyneth who wont shut up about how everything you’re doing is wrong and cookies are super bad for your waistline.
If you feel like your life has been terrorized by these assholes being together forever and ever, then you aren’t alone but that shit was only for ten solid years. No longer will we have to hear Goopy gush over how wonderful her marriage is in lie-tell interviews. No longer will we have to see her dance embarrassingly at Jay-Z concerts.
Chris Martin is basically an aristocrat so it will be great to see him pictured with every horny 20 something royal relative over the coming year whilst Gwyneth releases another cookbook called “HEALTHY LIVING: Turning Unexpected Gifts into FIAAS.AS.A.R.AFGARFA I HATE U CHRIS”
At times like these, im glad that RAGE AGAINST THE GOOP is alive.