Incase you haven’t heard, Cheryl Fernando-Chiquitita has recently set a new record as the British female with the most British #1 singles.
In a terrifying harbinger signaling the assured end of our species, Cheryl has managed to accumulate 5 solo number ones in her career. This is especially concerning given her music must be produced by a drunk, irritated 8 year old with a particularly harmful and destructive personality.
I mean Cheryl Fernando-Chiquitita has the worst fucking songs, and yet the British public will buy them because -just incase you forget to – here she is every weekend for eighteen million hours on ITV.
Naturally, since she has music to pimp out to very young girls and very unfortunate gays, Cheryl has been talking up her new album and single to any piece of paper that will listen, but as talking about Ashley Cole to sell shit is getting old hat, girlfriend decided to bring the spicy hate to an interview.
Attitude magazine decided to ask Cheryl how she felt about that one time that gangly Irish streak of blah Nadine Coyle said that NUDHEEN was the ONLY ho who didn’t want Girls Aloud to split. Upon being asked, Cheryl turned to the half- pea she was eating, gently placed it back on it’s plate, and proceeded to rip Nuhdeen a new hole so vigorously that Nicola Roberts ended up mistaking it for a vintage hipster wardrobe and climbed inside.
“She’s full of shit. What d’you want us to say? She’s full of shit. She was the one who wanted to make a solo record. Which is why we took the hiatus…She wants to come out and say we broke the band up? No! She shouldn’t tell porkie pies.
She should remember why we took the hiatus after seven years so she could go and…
Okay, so do you want us to tell the truth? She wasn’t going to make another Girls Aloud record until she got a solo deal. I feel she held us to ransom and then made her solo record deal.
It’s the truth. She’s saying that we broke the band up. So there you go.”
Well I guess Cheryl didn’t get boned by whatever Spanish or French or Italian (?) millionaire she married lately, because girl brought the truth teas to the table, grabbed Nudheen by her big weird extensions and threw that bitch under the bus! Then, she reversed that fucking bus, and rolled over Nudheen a few more times just to make sure the corpse of her credibility was truly dead.
In Cheryl’s brain, Girls Aloud are the greatest and most important musical group of all time and Nuhdeen will forever be revered for having Diana Rossed that shit. There was a time where Cheryl and Nudheen pretended they liked each other. Remember, when they wanted you to buy Sound of the Underground and all that pap? Nadine truly is an enemy of music because if she’d kept Girls Aloud together we might have escaped the Cheryl Fernando-Chiquitita solo career.
I guess Cheryl gets to have the last laugh now. Nudheen’s solo album was about as successful as her attempts to speak English and now Cheryl, who can’t even sing, is releasing the honest-t0-god shittest music ever and getting to number one because dimples and Simon Cowell. Someone get Nudheen to A&E for those first degree burns. She’s wurth it, Nudheen.
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