Jennifer Lawrence, Ariana Grande, Victoria Justice, Kate Upton, Hilary Duff, Avril Lavigne, Farrah Abraham (No Surprises), Kayley Cuoco, Hayden Panettiere, Kelly Brook, Kate Bosworth, Kiki Dunst, MK Olsen, Kim Kardashian, Lea Michelle, Selena Gomez, Rihanna, Scarlett Johansson and about a ZILLION other female celebrities are all lying in their million thread count sheets in a cold sweat tonight, because the internet has seen their vajayjays.
In an unprecedented hack of Apple’s iCloud service, (probably by one of those annoying hos with an Android phone) all of the above saw their NUDEZ stolen and posted to professional troll cave 4chan, because for some reason they were backup syncing their nude pictures to somewhere that WASN’T DIRECTLY ON THEIR OWN GOD-DAMNED PHONE.
Apparently, or so I’m told by smart people , many of the pictures are “ghost” images from the sexting heaven of Snapchat which secretly save on your phone when you send it out. Or something.
I have literally no idea how the iCloud service works (none) because when you get close to 30 you suddenly hit that tipping point of no longer giving a fuck about technology or top 40 music. As i understand it, you backup shit automatically if you don’t turn off a little slider on your fancy phone, so Apple is constantly being like “Hi how are you, just going to take a look into your phone and upload all of it’s contents to the internet now, thanks!” Which is definitely something I can see celebrities who are conscious of their privacy being interested in.
The other theory is that the phones were hacked by a security weakness in the “Find my Phone” tool which again, is super fucking confusing to me because I’m not smart or young. I’m pretty sure I am going to need someone to feed me microwave meals and help me identify what an Ariana Grande is in the near future.
Interesting names absent from this list: Any celebrity over the age of 40. Wheres the Liza Minnelli nudes?! Wheres my Jane Fonda leaks?! What about a little Star Jones pre-surgery titty? Such a flop of a leak IMO.
I guess I should be glad of this leak, from this stage on every time I look at my web traffic i’m going to see the search term “Celebrity nudes leaked” or “celebrity flange” because people will google these terms in outrage and fappage that Jennifer Lawrence now has pictures of her naked in her fancy hotel rooms on the internet. And also because “flange” is a great word for a vagina.
I absolutely 100% believe that the completely unfair invasion of privacy of a bunch of famous women dumb enough to take naked selfies should be the #1 priority of the media and our world right now, and thanks to feminism, it is!
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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