Alex Winston is pretty much perfect. One of the most interesting and exciting artists to emerge in the last ten years, If she keeps up the standards of “King Con” with her forthcoming album then we are all in for a treat. We’ll be back with more regularly scheduled updates in coming days, but until then – here’s Alex being totally awesome.
In “Shit, im late to the party” news, Britney Spears covered Women’s Health magazine and looked like a rough and ready version of Heidi Klum. The world’s monocle dropped and everyone was like “HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?”. Well as we already reported Britney had some work done to her face last year (Read: secondary nose job, lip and face fillers, botox) and it’s radically altered the appearance of her nose. As you can see in the below video, Brit is looking legitimately hot and in shape, the abs are real, as is her facial appearance, but there’s no doubt shes had help from lighting and makeup contouring. I guess “Surprised Madagascar Lemur” is what they were going for in this shoot. We should just stop acting so surprised that Britney Spears no longer looks 16, and appreciate that girl is looking alive, awake, happy and in the best shape i’ve ever seen her in. Credit where its due as well, she’s absolutely dominating in the game of “Young pop star grows into older pop star without having complete career collapse” so cut the girl some slack.
Because Angelina Jolie is the most sensual, gorgeous star of all time – she made thinly veiled suggestions that if she was playing Cleopatra that she should have a luscious full head of hair rather than be bald in order to “not scare off any directors”, new emails leaked in the Sony hack have shown. Defamer reports on the long, turbulent email exchanges regarding the production of a “Cleopatra” movie between Amy Pascal, aka head ho at Sony and writer of racist slurs, Scott Rudin – legendary producer and fucking nightmare who also engages in racist email chains, and Angelina Jolie, SUPERSTAR OF THE UNIVERSE. Despite the fact that the original Cleopatra starred the biggest star of the time and was a bomb of proportions never seen again, Jolie is so confident in her star power that she thinks they can do-over that mess. The chain revealed that A. Scott Rudin thinks Angelina Jolie is a “minimally talented spoilt brat” who he turned out to hate because she wanted his star director, David Fincher, to direct the movie when he wanted Fincher for the Steve Jobs biopic. B. That Jolie was concerned about being bald in the film – which bitch tried to pass off as being a director issue rather than a vanity one. She also made “numerous” changes to the script, all focused on making it more centric on her as Cleeeeoooooooopatra. The one thought I would ask you both is about her “bald”. I think that made sense in earlier drafts but if we are saying every time she’s in bed she has no hair or a shaved head it changes the sensuality. I wonder if we should keep it out and discuss as an idea with the director. But I worry we could scare off a director....
If you don’t know who Lauren Harries is already then your life is MISSING A PERFECT ANGEL. Lauren Harries is the #1 global superstar in the universe (sorry, Heidi Montag) and because her starpower is so great and she is a kind soul she decided to not unleash her musical career until the time was right. She had to wait until there was a vacuum of starpower and with Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus dominating the charts, the time was perfect. Lauren rose to fame as James Harries, a little boy prodigy about antiques who appeared on a bunch of tv shows gracing them with his obvious glamour from an early age. Sometime along the road James decided he was too fabulous and wonderful to be a mere boy with curly hair. He had to become LAUREN HARRIES GLOBAL SUPERSTAR and so he had a sex change. LHGS then went on to appear on Celebrity Big Brother because they were really struggling for a true star and now Lauren is finally here with her smash hit debut single “I am a Woman” In the video Lauren is bringing the sweet, hot moves as your drunk auntie at a party. Glamour and beauty ooze from every inch of Lauren’s perfectly manicured 80’s throwback with such Joni Mitchell worthy lyrics as I was born a boy but now I’m a girl. I’ve done some things that would make your toes curl. Effectively the Billboard chart is going to have to make a whole new hot 100 because otherwise Lauren Harries and her next 100 singles will literally take up every single position for the next ten years. In the avant-garde video, Lauren dresses up like a Cher/Madonna fan, like an extra from “The Others” and finally like the glamorous superstar she truly is in...
A sound engineer must really hate Mariah Carey, because bitches raw vocals at her shakiest performances leak faster than Christina Aguilera at an Etta James singalong. It’s Christmas, and so the patron saint of Christmas known as Mimi is wheeling out her two holiday albums for updated sales figures. This means she is singing “All I Want for Christmas” again. According to Gawker, Mimi fudged up her pre-recorded timeslot for NBC and they sent her home when she turned up three hours late. NBC was for none of Mimis diva antics, but somehow later that night Mimi’s begs to perform were listened to and NBC said “sure, but it will have to be live“. As you know, Mimi and live vocals have been experiencing a messy breakup over the past year or so. Usually she will pre-record that shit and presumably lay down vocals in a very still wine cellar with her girdle off. When you hear the raw vocals you can suddenly see why. It doesn’t start out so bad, but by the end you wonder what damn note Mimi is reaching for and how it is possible she lands so wrong on every single one. Somewhere in Louisiana Brit Brit is clawing cheese pasta into her mouth, watching this video, and chuckling “Oh mah gawd, this bitch can’t sing!”.
Against all the odds and a sea of thrown blackberries, Katherine Heigl is currently on television starring in the budget bastard lovechild of Homeland and Scandal called “State of Affairs”. Accordingly, Katherine has been taking a break from giving The Hollywood Reporter fodder about what a bitch she is to go on The Meredith Viera Show to talk about how she’s totally not a bitch, you guys! Of course Hagel decided that she’s not a bitch so stop calling her a bitch! She then went on to become a crusader for all women who don’t feel they can speak up and have opinions and say no to shit without being labelled a giant bitch. Because of course no A-list actress in the history of all time has ever been able to stand up for herself. Hagel continued to say she had an epiphany in voicing her opinion in a “gracious way”. I guess by that she means not slaughtering the writers of the hit television show that made her a star in the public domain. I mean at least Heigl isn’t bringing fifty shades of satan to her interviews in the way that a certain other blonde, successful, nightmarish actress is.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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