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Sam Bailey felt like a Pussycat Doll

It’s been a long time since Nicole Scherzinger had raised her cruel bitch-slapping vocals to beat one of the Pussycat Dolls back down to the level she kept them at, so no surprises that during the finale of X-Factor this year Nicole cracked her larynx and, keeping it classy, tried to outsing the winner Sam Bailey. Sam told STV  “On the last note, [Scherzinger] was supposed to do a bit, me do a bit and then we do it together. I was waiting for my bit, and I was waiting and waiting… Nicole just held on to the note. Everyone was saying she totally overpowered it and stole my thunder. I hear what they’re saying, but I’d just won so I didn’t care.” Somewhere,by a fireplace in the Shire, Melody Thorton is about to hand the ring to Sam Bailey so that she can hope to end the darkness that overpowered Melody for once and for all. Only Nicole Scherzinger would so shamelessly steal a note from a nobody trying to make it big in order to impress the viewing public. Just in case you wondered what that vocal clusterfuck sounded like – the video is above. L If a show setlist reads ‘Ft Nicole Scherzinger’ at any point you can set your watch to the exact time when Nicole tries to steal the spotlight (Spoiler Alert: it happens around the 0:00 mark)
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Say Something: Brit Brit’s version of Burning Up

A couple of years ago Brit Brit’s ‘Femme Fatale Tour’  was on the road. That tour probably should have been called ‘Femme Standing and Snapping Her Fingers Whilst Dreaming of Cheetos Tour‘ but I digress. During the tour Brit Brit performed Madonna’s Burning Up whilst riding a giant metal guitar in mom shorts.  Now, after many years of absolutely no-one asking for it – the final studio version of said recording has leaked and it kind of sounds like what you’d expect. An 80’s throwback playing to the strengths of Brits rapidly worsening vocal limitations with heavy autotune work done. All i’ll say is that “Britney Jean” makes this shit seem like Bach’s Prelude.
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She’s comingggggggg! Oprahhhhh is coming down the spiral staircase leading from her custom made mahogany bed with White Company Egyptian cotton to visit her peons across the land.  Fear no more, the holy altar that was once stationary at Chicago is coming to you in the OPRAH WINFREY SPEAKING TOUURRRRRRRRRR! SPEAKING TOUR FOR YOU, SPEAKING YOUR FOR YOU! YOU ALL GET A SPEAKING TOUR*!!!!!! Everyone knows that before God had a nap on the 7th day that his boss, Oprah, told him he’d one day star in a docu-series on OWN about extreme laziness. As she’s missing all of the money from her hit show  ‘Women Screaming Hysterically in Studio Audience’,  it’s back to the ho-stroll for Holy-O. Apparently, Oprahhhhhh will visit Atlanta, Houston, Miami, Seattle and Washington as part of the speaking tour schedule, and tickets will range from $99 to $999 and will be available from her website, because commission is for suckers. For a quick second when I saw that Oprah was charging more than you’d pay to see Shania and Celine combined I thought, “Who Da Fuck….?” But then I remembered I was talking about the woman who’s voice alone is enough to turn an entire room of vaginas into screaming pugs. Oprah can charge more than your monthly rent and you WILL deal because it’s religious. Oprah will also occasionally bring out her human slave army’s leaders Deepak Chopra and Liz Gilbert to talk about meditation and other bullshit which essentially translates to them being rich assholes who are shamelessly profiteering from how lost you are. I hope they do a countdown with a montage of The Holy-O at this speaking tour. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING gets overzealous fans wetter at a concert than a montage countdown, so I’d imagine doing it at an Oprah show would be the...
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Sunday Throwback: That Naomi Tyra Interview

Because Sundays are days for shade, awkward stories, and Tyra Banks remembering EVERYTHING whilst Naomi Campbell remembers NOTHING.
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Lauren Conrad isn’t exactly a feminist.

Despite that fact that The Hills ended about four long-ass years ago now, Lauren Conrad still keeps popping up on magazines and shit. She is now an author and runs her own version of Goop. Turns out that women way prefer reading about Boho dresses and flirty ways to accessorize your ears than how to give yourself a Kale colonoscopy, because LC scored another magazine cover, and in it – she had some interesting and totally feminist things to say about getting married. Except not really. In Allure, Lauren gave some handy tips on how to engage your man when planning for a wedding. It basically sounds like Lauren Conrad is dickwhipped. Gauge his interest. “I ask him if he cares before I start asking questions. So I’ll say, ‘I’m looking at food or flowers or whatever,’ and before I even get into it, I say, ‘I want to know if you care about this.’ Sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn’t.” Because of course, men have the luxury of not being involved in an important moving part of a relationship if they don’t want to be, so gently walk into a room (come armed with a tray of delicious snacks like Funions and beer) and in whispered tones ask him if he might, maybe, possibly want to take a look at flowers. If he strikes you, it’s a good indicator that the answer is no. Be fine with his answer. “I’m glad [Tell] doesn’t care about the flowers. I wanted him to see sketches of the dress, but he said absolutely not. I’m wearing it for him! But if he doesn’t want to see it, I don’t want to make him. He loves music–that’s his life–so he picked the band.” Like im TOTALLY fine about choosing flowers myself, like, really, totally....
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Beyonce cries very real tears.

A little story about Beyonce. I went to see her ass perform live at the I Am Sasha Gimmick tour, because im a gay man and I will entertain this foolery, and that bitch literally turned tears on and off like an emotional water mains. After I saw her perform “Halo” live and cry cry cry as a giant fucking ridiculous angel puts his wings around her I decided to go online and re-visit that ridiculous and awesome moment, and sho’nuff, Beyonce was CRY CRY CRYING her eyes out in like every single fucking video of Halo I could find performed live anywhere at almost exactly the same moment. I know we all joke about Britney Spears being replaced with a robot and having ten quarters put in her back every night before shes shuffled out onto a Vegas stage, but shit, I am almost 100% sure Beyonce has been replaced by a giant automated tap. At last nights closer of the Mrs Carter tour, Beyonce took a little moment at the end to soak up her minions falling over themselves to bathe in the light of Beyonce. Here’s how that went down. In the video Beyonce claims shes sooooo lucky to have amazing fans and have such a wonderful fucking life because people will pay $800 dollars to see her shake her lamb chops. Beyonce’s “I am only who I am because of you” just makes you kind of realize that Beyonce thinks of herself as Maya Angelou come Nelson Mandela. Anyway, once Beyonce started crying in gratitude and opening her giant arms out like she was Jesus (she is though, right?) she dedicated her song to the fans. I would like Beyonce to dedicate the next song she performs to those poor assholes from Destinys Child whos lives...
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