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Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner ruin each others friendships.

Because the trundling marriage  cart of Bennifer 2 is careering down to the messy end of its road, Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck both appear to be engaging in that age old game of being 14 and having former friends accuse the other’s piece of being weird and controlling. A few weeks ago 13 Going on 30 co-star Marc Ruffalo reminded us of a time when Jennifer Garner seemed poised to not star in endlessly terrible films. Marc said he was pretty good buddies with Jennifer Garner back then but when Ben Affleck got serious with Jennifer, Marc was handed a pink slip with the imprint of a butt-chin on it, and that is how it feels to be told ” BYE, BITCH” by Ben Affleck. At Comic-Con this weekend,  Ben’s old friend Kevin Smith who you might remember starred in a movie opposite Jennifer Garner has now got something to say about why he is no longer in the inner circle. When recently asked why he is no longer nuzzling in Ben’s soft butt chin, Kevin said. “Great question. I don’t know, because we’re not fucking tight. I have not been [close with him] in decades….That’s old Ben. He’s got a wife that don’t care for me at all [Laughs]. And plus, honestly, he probably don’t care for me at all anymore. He’s a triple-A-list movie star and shit like that. If he’s Jimmy Carter, I’m Billy Carter, to put it in ’70s terms. And I’m not even related and shit.” Apparently in a 2009 interview Kevin added “Jennifer does not share the same sense of humor as me — she did not like my jokes. I was picking on Ben Affleck making fun of him because I’ve known him for a really long time — I was talking smack — and Jennifer goes, ‘You know,...
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Usain Bolt is in DANJA GURL

Usain Bolt is currently in Scotland to compete in the Commonwealth Games, and he better ensure he is driving to and from the venues in a car inside a car inside a car that is bullet proof; because Usain made the grave mistake of insulting the Scottish today. According to The Times, Usain was caught calling the Commonwealth Games “A bit shit” and saying that the “Olympics were better”  and that he was “not really” having fun, which would come as no surprise since he’s basically irked all responsibility to show face at anything at the Games since he arrived. Usain probably didn’t get the memo that the Commonwealth Games has 5% of the budget of the Olympic Games, or that saying something bad about Scotland when actually in Scotland puts life expectancy somewhere in the “Have had sex with Paris Hilton”  and “Recently in contact with Ebola” range. Bolt has of course denied denied denied that he’s an ungrateful son of a bitch, because he knows he will be lynched with Irn Bru bottles on the track if he doesn’t eat some humble pie pronto. That big terrifying fucking thistle mascot is probably going to creep into Usain’s room tonight and rub its prickly thistle head against his chest so he gets a rash. Seriously though, that mascot is the hottest cracked out mascot I have ever seen. It kind of looks like something you would get if you fed a toddler a baggy of coke, showed them what hash looks like and then gave them a pencil. Which actually doesn’t seem to have been too far off the truth.      
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Jay-Zzz and Thiefonce are an arranged marriage says PageSix

If you are standing up, sit down. If you are sitting down, put down any hot beverages. If you are sleeping, wake up but ensure you are surrounded by the cushions of Lisa Rinna’s pillow lips because PageSix has some SHOCKING and SCANDALOUS new information about Jay-Z and Beyonce’s marriage that will almost certainly make you pass out, stop all current wars due to weeping and shaking soldiers and probably cease the production of all questionable lace-front weaves forever. PageSix (Six is the number of the DEVIL for this dark-sided smear story) claims that Beyonce and Jay-Z aren’t really the true life version of Belle and the Beast and that Solange isn’t really Mrs Potts.   PageSix say Bey and Jay are only together for mutual business and nothing more. The source claims that their romance started out all one-sided, with Jay-Z being obsessed with Beyonce but Beyonce being like “Why dis ugly dude keep calling me?”. Because Beyonce was raised in the House of Ruthless Ambition Dereon, the Knowles’ quickly recognized that Jay-Z would be mutually beneficial to Thiefonce’s career in swagger-jacking from artists and other celebrities. It was a master stroke of marketing: She gave him class, he gave her cred. Jay Z was infatuated with Beyoncé, says the source, but the bottom line was business; he knew he could do big things for her, and together they could be a juggernaut. For Beyoncé, however, it was a slower burn. According to an interview with the website Celebuzz, her uncle Larry Beyince said that initially his niece had no interest. “He was after her and she wasn’t,” Beyince said. “She told me she wasn’t too fond of him … I guess she wasn’t attracted to him.” The source goes on to say that Beyonce was only interested in Jay for his savvy business-mind, because...
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Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj did a song together.

So yesterday I was listening to that “Problem” song by Ariana Grande-Venti-Mocha-Frappe, and after my ears stopped bleeding I soon realized that the problem (hah!) with her voice is that she’s always so high on the register. Turns out when a woman is essentially squealing like a clubbed baby seal to hit a note it’s kind of not very pleasant at all and no one seems to agree with me on that mess. So I really should learn to shut my fat fucking brain because someone must have overheard its thoughts and decided to punish me for kicking that beautiful dimpled elf by teaming her up with possibly the only person in music that it is harder to listen to.   listen to ‘Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj – Bang Bang’ on Audioboo Jessie J is back to shout songs AT YOUR FACE with a vibrato so tight she constantly sounds like she’s sitting on a vibrator, and if the idea of hearing these two girls scream at each other for 3 minutes was not appetising enough, human nightmare Nicki Minaj rolled into the party to try to steal her career back from that weave snatching tranny Iggy Azalea. I mean at this stage I was sort of waiting for a surprise appearance from Christina Aguilera who would be the only other bitch brazen enough to showboat so hard on a single track, but thankfully Jessie J showboated and power-slid enough to send all other showboaters back to the buffet bar. Mariah and Xtina de-spanx. Bang Bang sounds pretty much exactly like Problem except worse because of Jessie J. I wonder if Jessie J is still straight this month. I mean I have wondered about everything else there is possible for a human being to wonder about first, but you know, It’s good to know which...
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Britney Spears’ face looks different.

So Britney Spears is one of the few stars to have admitted she’s been hitting the old plastic surgeon over the past few years, and, well, it shows. Defcon:Emancipation of Mimi levels of photoshop aside, Britney has only admitted to having had lip injections thus far, but her second nose-job and substantial lip and mouth work are now making her look  kind of like shes almost always got her mouth shaped for a Starbucks grande frappuccino. I mean she looks hot as fuck, obviously, but look at her – she kind of looks like shes going to drizzle a little caramel and whipped cream on your head and try and stick a straw in your ear. Brit isn’t just rolling around in her bedroom taking snaps of herself half naked because she already did that in a music video. No, Britney is being pictured in aide of her new lingerie line called “The Intimate Collection”. What’s really funny about Britney Spears selling  bras and underpants is that Britney Spears is probably the person best known in the world for not being a terribly big fan of wearing  either. And yeah, I know that people change as they get older and all that shit, but fucking hell – I am more and more convinced that aliens stole Britney Spears in 2007 and replaced her with a robot version which now has to be cosmetically updated to pretend it’s ageing. If they sold that as a thing I’d buy it and play Britney’s Dance Beat against it.    
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Hilary Duff is back with new music.

Remember Hilary Duff? I remember photoshopping Hilary Duff’s giant horse teefs onto a can of horse beans and animating it’s arms all in the name of HIGH HUMOUR for this website before. This fact reminds me how many hours of perfectly usable life I have wasted on entirely useless celebrities, and it feels great you guys. Anywayyyy Hilary Duff is back from the grave of irrelevance (other residents: Jewel, Melissa Joan-Hart, Tia and Tamara) in order to give the public what we’ve all been waiting for, new music! Of course, by “the public” I mean four very specific gay men who live in Ohio. Those four husky twinks are wearing their Metamorphosis Album tank tops tonight in celebration of the return of true pop diva/legend/person who can almost sing Hilary Duff. Hilary has released her new summer jam “Chasing the Sun”  (Listen Here) which, if you don’t want to fall into a coma, sounds- and I can’t believe I’m about to write these words – like a shittier, less fun version of “Stars are Blind” by Parasite Hilton. Yup, definitely going to hell now. I just don’t understand why Hilary couldn’t come up with writing something more personal than this shitty Colbie Callait phone in. For example a song about Carrots and Sugarcubes. Carrots&Cubes could have been the hottest summer jam of the year. I’m not going to lie. My life got a little less rich when Hilary Duff sawed her teeth back down to human size.      
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