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Paris Hilton forgot a $350k ring because she was sleepy

I Know, I know what you are thinking. A Paris Hilton headline, what 2007 nightmare did i wake up in?Well humour me, because i need a fucking break from the Kardashians. The original Kardashian Kreator will have to do. The news that TMZ reports is that whilst Paris was leaving Poland to head back to Ibiza, which is the only country that will legally provide an STD with an official visa, she sort of lost her $350,000 ring in an airport shuttle bus. Paris only discovered the loss later and claimed it was because she was, and I quote: ‘feeling exhausted after a whirlwind day trip to Poland, and had performed in Ibiza the previous evening.’  Now bitch has a few questions to answer for me here. A. Under which circumstance is anyone so exhausted that they aren’t holding a $350k piece of jewellery to their chest bone like it’s Michael Fassbender’s precious peen? I could have walked across a fucking desert for four days and I’d still be smacking off imaginary vultures from my $350k fucking ring. I could have sat and watched eight days of Real Housewives fighting and i’d STILL BE ALERT ENOUGH TO LOCATE MY $350K RING IMMEDIATELY. Is Paris Hilton so rich that she forgets she has a ring that could solve debt problems for entire towns on her finger sometimes? B. How “whirlwind” can a day in Paris Hilton’s 2015 existence really be? Apparently Paris was in Poland for Eastern European Fashion Week, which sort of makes sense. C. Paris was “performing” in Ibiza, which means that she’s a stripper now, right? I guess she could be a door greeting person at a really nasty club. Either way, Parasite needn’t cry tears of blood diamonds tonight as TMZ says that a dumb-ass fireman found Paris’ ring on...
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Song of the Month: Willows by Vanessa Carlton

Because Vanessa Carlton isn’t just a fun reference to White Chicks, we bring you Willows –  the first proper single from her upcoming LP which hits later in October. The album is called Liberman and it’s essentially a reflection that Vanessa Carlton has fully transitioned into a legitimately ‘serious artist’, a term which effectively means that music snobs acknowledge her existence now. In all fairness to her, Carlton has always been vastly under-rated at each stage of her career, struggling against the small (but problematic) public perception-issue of the monster hit which started it all. But unlike her peers from the era of her meteoric rise, she’s successfully carved out a reputation as a risk-taker and experimenter on the fringes. Willows is a sweeping, stripped down track accompanied by an earthy lyric video that pretty much seals the deal on ethos she’s going for an as artist – authentic, handcrafted, dreamy. Liberman is shaping up to be one of the year’s best albums already, given the exceptional and consistently increasing quality of her previous efforts (let’s turn a blind eye to this though).   Her last LP, Rabbits on the Run was a startling – and necessary – change of tempo and aural language for Carlton, who’s voice has matured along with her soundscape. She’s already released an EP with live versions of some of the tracks from the upcoming record including “Nothing where Something Used to Be” – a song so emotionally hefty it bloody deserves to become a huge breakup classic in the future. Be warned: those going through a rough breakup may wanna not click play. Liberman is available in the US and Canada on the 23rd of October, but there’s no official word on international release at this stage. Carlton seems pretty happy grooving in indie status these days, and who can blame...
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Pregnant Kim Kardashian is still hilarious.

Remember the last time Kim Kardashian was pregnant and it was the hilarious Kanye-Styled media gift that just kept giving? Well shit has not changed. Kim is well into her second pregnancy, because everyone deserves a second chance to bring around the apocalypse if you fail first time round. Attending Khloezilla’s boyfriends birthday party on a boat somewhere, Kim had to follow the dress code of “cumstain white” and something tells me Kanye and the fruity onboard servers had a hand in that dresscode… I mean, she looks fucking ridiculous. Being pregnant makes you sort of look hilarious anyway, but Kim K has the absolute talent of taking pregnancy and making it just hysterical. Only Kim Kardashian would go pregnant onto a BOAT IN FUCKING STIELLTOS. Even disgusting Elder Jenner recognises this bitch is playing and Kanye is also proving to us why he never smiles…because you realise his true age is 94. I live for the fact that Kim gets absolutely huge when she’s pregnant because i have a really fucking sad life and this is all I have to live for now. Fuck you.
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Bennifer have removed their wedding rings.

In a breakup,  there are usually two types of people. There are the Ben Afflecks and the Jennifer Garners. The Jennifer Garners of the world try to make it work when it’s evidently broken.  Probably (but not always) the better half of the relationship, this person is also the one who thinks of themselves as the lesser because they see unconditional goodness in their partner where their partner only sees themselves (and sometimes also Blake Lively’s poon). But, when they finally accept that it’s just not working, the JGs begin the painful process of moving on. This largely involves struggling with the realisation that their hopes and dreams are now going to boil down to a shattered month of screaming songs from Jagged Little Pill in a half filled bathtub with copious bottles of cheap chardonnay, lots of ice cream and a candle situation that is at best deemed hazardous. The Ben Afflecks of the world, however, move on by banging literally the closest person in the immediate vicinity as quickly as possible, trying to cover their ass about what a dick move that was, and then carefully figuring out how to make themselves look the best they possibly can by trying to gently blame their poor behaviour on their ex, because everyone sort of thought they were kind of a cheating asshole anyway. And with the new dictionary definitions of what you will call “Oh my god you were way too good for him” and “He’s Such a Jerk” during a breakup now clearly established, let’s take a moment to highlight an extremely important development in world news today – that both of these people whom most of us will never meet have taken off their wedding bands, despite having been on the road to it effectively for over two years and having...
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Literally nothing is happening

So it’s been a long time since we updated LA Deli, and you might think that’s because Perez Hilton broke the site with his general being since he was the last thing we wrote about. I mean, it’s not like there’s been a shortage of shit going down. Bennifer / true love are over, Bruce Jenner is now Caitlyn Jenner and, most importantly, internationally renowned music superstar uber-sensation Heidi Montag remains as elusive as she is demure and keeps fans around the world waiting for her hot new beat to drop. So, there should really be no excuse for me to not pick up and write about something really exciting and interesting, but you’ll be happy to know that Hollywood is quiet and no one is doing anything.   This is definitely not my way of secretly shirking out of writing about some Kardashian stories or having to talk about the STILL TOO RAW Bennifer collapse. It’s also not my way of saying that I am too lazy to talk any more about anyone on the Daily Mail sidebar of shame.  Nope. It’s really just an opportunity for me to remind you what classic gems LA Deli’s Youtube channel brought you so that I don’t have to do anything. Did you know we have nearly a million views on Youtube? If each of those people gave me a handjob i’d have incredibly painful friction burns and probably be in jail. Food for thought.  
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Two genital warts hate each other on Channel 5

Separately, the names Perez Hilton and Katie Hopkins are toxic enough to require a hazmat suit, so it’s sort of a no brainer that that the high-brow geniuses at Channel 5 thought that chucking them together into the ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother House was all we’ve ever hoped and dreamed of. Katie, of course, is best known for being the UK’s punishment for allowing The Apprentice to happen. She is the adult female version of a 2002 internet forum. Remember forums? The things once used for something other than increasingly desperate cries for Vodafone technical support? Perez on the other hand, is basically the human version of this website. That is if this website simply posted pictures of famous people with Microsoft Paint jizz coming out of their mouths, called everyone cunts, outed a bunch of celebrities, posted a lot of self-promotional news and directed you to merch wishing that mentally ill people would have died instead of troubled movie stars. Unlike Perez, LA-Deli is (at the very least) dedicated to bringing you hot new music from breakthrough artists like the unforgettable Three Beat Slide. Basically Perez and Katie are the two proudest people in the world of how inhumanely awful they are and arewalking examples of the liberal abuse of free-speech. Accordingly it makes 100% sense they’d be put together in an awful house on the worst television channel (Yes, worse than that one that only shows dodgy Irish country music) for the viewing pleasure of, I’m sure, the most interesting people at any watercooler. You’d think that because Perez and Katie are two parts of the horsemen of the apocalypse that they’d get on swimmingly! Festering in their own putrid shit and inhaling the heady depths of each others massively important opinions about everything. But alas, the great ego required to be the most attention-whoring of trolls of the universe has prevented both...
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