Alex Winston is pretty much perfect. One of the most interesting and exciting artists to emerge in the last ten years, If she keeps up the standards of “King Con” with her forthcoming album then we are all in for a treat. We’ll be back with more regularly scheduled updates in coming days, but until then – here’s Alex being totally awesome.
If you don’t know who Lauren Harries is already then your life is MISSING A PERFECT ANGEL. Lauren Harries is the #1 global superstar in the universe (sorry, Heidi Montag) and because her starpower is so great and she is a kind soul she decided to not unleash her musical career until the time was right. She had to wait until there was a vacuum of starpower and with Katy Perry and Miley Cyrus dominating the charts, the time was perfect. Lauren rose to fame as James Harries, a little boy prodigy about antiques who appeared on a bunch of tv shows gracing them with his obvious glamour from an early age. Sometime along the road James decided he was too fabulous and wonderful to be a mere boy with curly hair. He had to become LAUREN HARRIES GLOBAL SUPERSTAR and so he had a sex change. LHGS then went on to appear on Celebrity Big Brother because they were really struggling for a true star and now Lauren is finally here with her smash hit debut single “I am a Woman” In the video Lauren is bringing the sweet, hot moves as your drunk auntie at a party. Glamour and beauty ooze from every inch of Lauren’s perfectly manicured 80’s throwback with such Joni Mitchell worthy lyrics as I was born a boy but now I’m a girl. I’ve done some things that would make your toes curl. Effectively the Billboard chart is going to have to make a whole new hot 100 because otherwise Lauren Harries and her next 100 singles will literally take up every single position for the next ten years. In the avant-garde video, Lauren dresses up like a Cher/Madonna fan, like an extra from “The Others” and finally like the glamorous superstar she truly is in...
No comment necessary other than the title, really. I see Beyonce trying to give this an =authentic= feel but Gore Verbinski can be seen seated in front of the 120 person production team at around 3 minutes 4 seconds. What a fucking drag it must have been to have Beyonce take over an entire hotel room floor to make this mess because there is no excuse for the levels of terrible that this song is.
New overlord Taylor Swift has been busy amassing kittens and selling shit-tonnes of CD’s lately, but not too busy to film a music video for her new 30th single from “1989” titled “Blank Space”. In the video, Taylor Swift parodies Taylor Swift by acting exactly like Taylor Swift does. Taylor is like “OMG GUYS it’s so funny you think i behave like this! hahahah, like, whatever. I definitely don’t! HAHAHA. No but really. I don’t.” The modern love story we see is a video representation of dating whilst on Tinder. Taylor goes for it hard by doing her best version of Alex Forrest. We are missing some creepy effigies hanging upside down, but she does a pretty good job of portraying “Crazy, needy, psycho girlfriend” because that’s exactly what Taylor Swift is. Either way, Taylor Swift should pretty much wear this crazy diva wearing leopard skin dresses all the time now because it’s working for me in a big way. Seeing a chick in leopard print always does it for me, because you know those tears are due to a broken condom.
Any old school hard-core LA Deli’ers (you’re out there, somewhere) will remember us from our days as The Deli, and will also remember a unhealthy obsession I took to Fergie Ferg after girlfriend pissed herself on stage that one time. Fergie earned that place in my heart from her leaky bladder and her quote about how she discovered she had a drug problem from talking to a clothes hamper for most of a day. Fergie is a legend, a hero, and nothing negative can be said about her. Except from the fact that her face is all kinds of WHAT but you know, she pee’d herself so defacto get out of fug free card. And in fairness I know a truckload of girls who’d kill to look like the duchess of piss. Fergie’s LA Love music video has a bunch of famous hos in it because people like Fergie because shes AWESOME. Fergie also brings the Rapunzel vibes to the video with a fake ponytail that would look at home in Britney’s exquisite collection of “real look wigs” Fergie’s song is no “Fergalicious” but i’m sure there are mindless watersports fans who will buy this to honour their qween anyway. Here’s for hoping her next video features her singing to a clothes hamper for four minutes.
Gwen Stefani probably slithered out of Lisle Von Rhoman’s Beverley Hills mansion before she filmed the music video for her new song “Baby Don’t Lie” because bitch has not aged a single iota in, well, ever. In the video Gwen gives us ten shades of “Couldn’t be bothered making a music video” by effectively walking in-front of a greenscreen for the duration. It kind of looks like the 80s, 90s and 00s are all wrestling for top dominance in this video and that’s sort of a great way of describing Gwen Stefani on the whole. Because greenscreen music videos are like REALLY EXPENSIVE (except not at all) and weird acid graphics probably cost Gwen’s label all of $10,000, she had to of course get some product placement in that mess, because the Gwen Stefani you know and love is now the Gwen Stefani wearing Pumas you know and love and also heres a nice phone, and look at this app. I like Gwen Stefani because shes brazen enough to literally replay her music video for 30 seconds in rewind and think no-ones noticing that bitch went for the budget option on this one. As a sidenote, I love the song. It’s like a Rhianna album cut from before Rhianna went all club, except its way better because its Gwen Stefani, and not Rhianna.
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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