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Jessica Simpson is super high on life on HSN

And by “life” i mean “An entire pool of Tesco’s Prosecco”. Jessica Simpson appeared on HSN this week at some stage and I forgot to add it to my Sky + because I have seriously impaired life priorities and I will never let you guys down again. I guess she was on HSN because she likes to pop out of whatever vat of delicious southern butter fried foods that she’s semi-retired to every now and then to let us know that she’s still totally bangable and totally rich for her amazing talents of not knowing the key essentials of what is required to operate as an adult. But Jessica wasn’t just there to talk about how her jeans look really good if you are six weeks pregnant because they are totally flexi-waist, no siree – she was there to give us a show that Liza would be proud of. Jessica’s stuttering explanation of what makes grey jeans so sexy is something that I am going to routinely whip out at a party after I run through Serene Branson’s very very heavy burtation. Jessica on HSN reminds me of me rocking up to a family party after I’ve been out on the town. I’m trying to keep my shit together but im FOOLING NO ONE. I hope Ken Paves was there to tell her that she was amazing and that she really nailed it; BECAUSE SHE DID!
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Here’s Christina Aguilera’s pancake face and tits.

Because it’s a slow news day, that crafty bitch Christina Aguilera employed her “Lack of relevant stars” radar and realized there was an opportunity to make the world stand up and take notice. So she debuted her “post baby body” and new boytoy named Matt Rutler in the subtle, demure way that only Christina Aguilera can. With more makeup than is produced annually by most countries on and a red dress so bright that it could be seen from Essex.   Image: Getty Images Christina looks good in a drag queen chic sort of way. I mean she loves those Morticia Adams brows, she loves her “found in a slot machine” rings, and that red dress is clearly a markdown from TK Maxx, but Christina Aguilera is still working those red lips.   I mean her music is terrible and she is a shit judge on The Voice, but girlfriend can rock the red lips. I guess what I’m saying is that Christina Aguilera could make a solid prostitute if she promised never to throw in a song after a blowie.  Still, I prefered her with this look.    
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Jennifer Lopez looks really really good.

So Hennifer Hopez looks pretty amazing.   I am hungover so look at these pictures of her cleavage and give me a break, OK?! Everything is loud and obnoxious to me right now so maybe that’s why I’m okay with Hennifer today. H.Ho is like 45 or some mess and that shit is impressive! To have titties that stay up themselves like that at 45 naturally almost seems impossible, but everyone knows celebrities have superhuman bodies so whatever you guys. J.lo probably says she stays young by drinking a lot of water and doing pliates, but bitch stays young by attending midnight cult sacrifice parties at Pitbull’s house and that shit is fact! You know if there’s any fucker running a cult in Hollywood, it’s Pitbull. Or Andrew Keegan. Yeah….
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Amal Clooney only wears white now.

Because Amal Clooney just had the most low key wedding in the world of all time ever, she decided to take a subtle nod towards her super private and very intimate  nuptials by dressing only in white in her first day back at her day-job. Amal was clearly unprepared for the pandemonium of proceedings after she arrived in Greece in her extremely understated vehicle which onlookers said they were “definitely-to-60% sure was not the actual popemobile.” Image: Splash News Greece might not have any money, but they sure do have a lot of paparazzi, and how was Amal to possibly, POSSIBLY know that despite everything she’s done to keep her wedding special and her life private that the WORLD would be waiting for the half-Lebanese Grace Kelly.   Thankfully, George Clooney picked Amal out of the fanciest catalogue of fancy high-powered smart and ethical women in the world, so she turned up looking like she’d walked out of a White Company catalogue, as this is naturally how everyone dresses when arriving late at night on a business trip. Shy, retiring Amal was then seen the next day in Greece sporting another white dress. I mean, Amal is lucky that Greece could not afford to take any of the temporary infrastructure down from the Olympics, because all the barricades for paparazzo were already there still from 2004! It’s almost like Greece knew she was coming, but how could they possibly have known?  What, like someone would have tipped off the hotel that hundreds of paparazzi would be there in advance? HAH, What a crazy person you are to suggest such craziness. Amal Clooney is basically the Kate Bush and Agnesta Faltskog of her generation. Here we can see Amal Clooney is also like really, really good at walking.  She’s also, presumably, relatively good at law stuff, but walking is mainly what...
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And now a moment of refined modesty from Celia Sawyer

If you don’t live in the UK and have a fetish for terrible property shows in your pyjamas like I do, then you probably don’t know the elegant, subtle, monocle dropper that is Celia Sawyer. Celia is, and I quote from her totally neutral Wikipedia page,  “a self made multi-millionairess” from her interior design ventures. She’s been on Channel 4’s “Four Rooms” and more recently the TV makeover porn that is “Your Home in Their Hands” . What makes Celia special is not her notable wealth or work ethic, it’s that Celia, who NATURALLY creates “high end luxury interiors” for really rich people, looks like a fresh English spring morning covered in soft and gorgeous dew.   If you can kindly lift the mug you dropped in shock and awe for the most regally subtle cast member of Footballer’s Wives woman you’ve seen in your life, then I can tell you that Celia is not just special for her ravishing figure, tangerine skin and divine 100% natural yak hair, but as you can probably read from above, she is also a retiring and modest angel. Celia has her feet firmly on the ground – pretty helpful because her feet are always clad in  100% environmentally evil plastic heels which make her already statuesque body tower above the peons that don’t know a retro hipster chic kitchen when they see one.   Episode after episode, she arrives in stunning patent leather dresses, gorgeous silk blouses and where-did-she-get-that £12.50 Zara bargain bin boob tubes. The best think about Celia is not that she clearly attended Her Highness Zoe Lucker’s Academy of Expensive Dressing, but it is the complete apathy she treats everyone with.. Your Home in Their Hands is effectively a show where BBC ask you if your kitchen has been redecorated in the last sixty years, and if the answer...
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Never invite Lea Michele to your birthday.

One of my favourite things about red carpets is that you can usually find videos of celebrities posing like they have Serial Pout Syndrome on the red carpet. Stunt queen legs, arm on hip posturing, duck lips, all of it is like a like a gift from the hilarious “BITCH YOU DON’T USUALLY LOOK LIKE THAT” catalogue of Real-Life Instagram filters. So you can imagine my joy when I discovered this video of Lea Michele on Dlisted. Please take a moment out of your hectic life to sit and watch Lea Michele “Look Gorgeous”, and by “Look Gorgeous” I mean literally embarrass the hell out of herself by turning up to the première for the new season of American Horror Story and proceeding to give FACE, LEG, FACE, ARM, LEG, FACE for a solid 2 minutes and 40 seconds. I’m not sure what I love most about this clip. It could be that Lea Michele’s pout looks like the face I make when I take a shit (as observed in a mirror one time in a really uncomfortable bathroom situation), or it could be the moment when she ushers the PEONS out of her limelight (read: The rest of the cast of GLEE who posed together like regular human beings) or perhaps it was the fact she did all this at the première for a show that has nothing to do with her. On that note actually, the finest moment would have to be around the one minute mark when Jessica Lange let’s Lea know what she feels about some basic Glee bitch turning up to her premiere and trying to steal away the limelight, in that she waltzes straight through the shot without so much of a “Whos Dis?”. I’m pretty sure Jessica Lange thinks Lea Michelle is one of the tiny people...
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