Because celebrities have publicists who work day and night to make them seem ultimately like holy beings, if you hear that a celebrity branded “A bit of a schlaggggg really” then you have to really ask yourself how many people they are banging to get that reputation. With that said and on a totally unrelated note, Rita Ora and Gerard Butler are reportedly bumping uglies according to UsWeekly. Rita is best known for being the reason that Rob Kardashian tripled in size because she allegedly banged a bunch of guys without a condom behind his back. Rita is also a singer. Gerard is best known for trying to finger Jennifer Aniston in the ass that one time. Gerard is also an actor. To say that both Rita Ora and Gerard Butler would fuck anything that walks is absolutely slanderous and not at all in line with the editorial standards (HA!) of this website, as well as being patently untrue. It makes 10000000% perfect sense that these two absolutely virginal saints would come together and be so overcome by first-time lust for one another that they threw off their chastity belts, apologized to God for their unholy sin and spent the evening violating themselves by watching Countdown in their hotel room together from opposite sides of the room. Rita Ora is effectively the modern day Virgin Mary and Gerard Butler is her Joseph, and they probably spent time talking about religion together before having a cup of hot chocolate and lying down for a nice nap. The implications that UsWeekly are making are dark-sided and ungodly.
Tori Spelling in the early 90’s was the original role-model for nepotism in media. She literally had the talent of an egg and yet was pretty much everywhere. And now, over twenty years later, Tori Spelling is still blazing trails as the original role-model for ‘shamelessly hustling for every last dime when the whole ‘nepotism’ thing stops”. EW reports that Tori is now the face for that extremely well-known and super-chic brand “Psychic Source”. In case it’s not clear, that means Tori is now the face for a dial up psychic hotline. And I think that the Psychic Source might have a few legal issues on it’s hands for the lie-telling fuckery that is going on in Tori’s debut ad. In it, an absolutely ravishing Spelling reads “I’m Tori Spelling, Wife, Mother, Actress” Which i suspect is a redraft from a more honest version which read: “I’m Tori Spelling, Shameless, Opportunist, Preying Mantis”. Tori is obviously the Source spokesperson because she 1000% believes that Psychic Source will help you find the answers and insights you need to truly find a happier you. She’s definitely not just there to help pay off that $38,000 debt American Express is suing her for. I guess we shouldn’t be mad at Tori Spelling for turning to Psychic Source when staged paparazzi shoots and reality shows turned their back on her; whats a literally shame-free girl to do when she needs to make a buck for more un-necessary cosmetic surgery?
So, it’s that time of year already. Top 10 Albums Lists have hit the web, and we aren’t going to let equally important publications like the New York Times or Rolling Stone get all the glory, join LA Deli as we count down the finest records of the year as well as call out our biggest letdown. So find out who’s first on the list by Clicking Here. 10. Pageant Material, Kacey Musgraves Kacey Musgraves has been busy this year; aside from carving out a full-time job as someone literally named as Barbies country cousin, she’s been carving a reputation for herself outside of the Nashville scene as an accidental crossover artist. Yet unlike Taylor Swift before her, Musgraves’ records to date have been pure country through-and-through. Has there ever been a song written more country than “Are You Sure”, her collaboration with Willy Nelson? With Carrie Underwood’s latest collections sounding increasingly samey and overwrought – the twee and laid back Pageant Material is a welcome throwback to a friendlier, more upbeat time out in the country (more on that later) and sparkles with the pageant era quality which the artwork evokes. How country is this? Well, the album features a track called Biscuits and another called Cup O Tea – so pretty fuckin country sums it up. Biscuits in particular shines as one of the highlights of the album – a beautifully produced feel good track about, essentially, minding your own fucking business. Sounding like an up-and-coming Miranda Lambert, this should be considered hot favourite for the Grammy for Country record, Musgraves is pretty much set for a stellar upward trajectory from here on out. 9. Eleven (Deluxe Edition), Tina Arena Tina Arena is, at this stage, a living legend that half the world forgets about. She’s effectively one of the...
Terrence Howard is well known for being an ego as fun to be around as eighteen hours of gently hammering your dick off; so I guess it’s no surprise that his ‘Empire‘ co-star Taraji P Henson looks like she’d rather burn her face in a vat of acid than ever be kissed by Terrence Howard again. What essentially occurred here was the dramatic recreation of an awkward “ONLY THE MAN TALKS” conversation between a woman in a potentially abusive marriage to her asshole husband that everyone hates. Terrence and Taraji are such talented thespians they created their own ad-hoc dramatic performance on the Emmy stage. I hope Terrence brought some baby wipes because Taraji is in need of some as well as an Emmy of her own for her “Bitch did not just” face.
Because Mimi has already replaced Whitney as “The New Whitney” and replaced the sun as “The New Star” it was only a matter of time before Mimi looked at who’s hot and happening right now to replace them like the iconic and timeless superstar that she is. Because Kate Upton is totally “now” and really “in”, Mimi’s Sauron Butterfly Eye (Which exclusively focuses on ways to keep Mimi young and relevant) cast it’s gaze Kates way and decided that what’s hers had to be Mimi’s! None for you Kate Upton! The games company could not resist the magical soothsaying that Mimi sent to them and decided to pay her a seven-figure sum to be the face of their game whilst Kate Upton was shuffled off back to whatever Sports Illustrated cover she came from. Obviously this is a huge improvement on the Kate Upton ads. Industrial Light and Magic have worked really hard to make Mimi a realistic looking human being and she looks great! I mean this is a no-brainer. Mimi is leading an army of butterflies in the ad to destroy any haters and Eminem fans with a sea of glitter and extravagant candles? Sold! Also, we have learned that Mimi runs like a Pokemon with IBS and it really is everything. If you are wondering how a free app can afford to pay Mimi the billions of butterflies she demands for a commercial endorsement, then you should know that this “free” shit makes $1.5 Million a day for the company which takes in $600 Million a year from it. I can only assume this is down to people paying for stupid fortress upgrades or whatever the fuck it is that you have to pay to make this game go beyond a loading screen. Well whatever it is,...
And by “life” i mean “An entire pool of Tesco’s Prosecco”. Jessica Simpson appeared on HSN this week at some stage and I forgot to add it to my Sky + because I have seriously impaired life priorities and I will never let you guys down again. I guess she was on HSN because she likes to pop out of whatever vat of delicious southern butter fried foods that she’s semi-retired to every now and then to let us know that she’s still totally bangable and totally rich for her amazing talents of not knowing the key essentials of what is required to operate as an adult. But Jessica wasn’t just there to talk about how her jeans look really good if you are six weeks pregnant because they are totally flexi-waist, no siree – she was there to give us a show that Liza would be proud of. Jessica’s stuttering explanation of what makes grey jeans so sexy is something that I am going to routinely whip out at a party after I run through Serene Branson’s very very heavy burtation. Jessica on HSN reminds me of me rocking up to a family party after I’ve been out on the town. I’m trying to keep my shit together but im FOOLING NO ONE. I hope Ken Paves was there to tell her that she was amazing and that she really nailed it; BECAUSE SHE DID!
LA Deli is a satire/comedy column. We put a humorous spin on reported news, rumors, speculation, assumptions, opinions as well as factual information, the veracity of which cannot be guaranteed.
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