The Does Britney Look Okay? Tour continues.
Britney Spears was once known for shaking her ham-chops for a cheque.
Then she was known for walking gently around a stage snapping her fingers for a cheque, but as Britney will tell you she’s just a simple girl, and what’s more simple than sitting your ass down for four hours for a cheque?
Enter a $15 Million cheque for X-Factor and all Britney has to do is sit down, but even that shit is proving a problem.
Basically, it doesn’t even matter if Britney says anything in the entire run of the X-Factor. Much like her Femme Fatale tour, she turns up, everyone screams with excitement of how she is definitely not dead (allegedly) and more importantly about how good she looks.
I went to see that trainwreck tour and two girls infront of me were harassing security to ask if Brit’s hair extensions looked nice or if they were straight up dog shit and wool. Those Masters in the Art of Fuckery proceeded to tell the girls nothing other than that the gig was a fucking disaster. Slow hand clap for security ruining those girls night, totally the Kate Winslet’s of stage security. Give them a show called Bitchy Bodyguards.
So back to the story at hand. If Britney can turn up looking like a functional human being and reading off of something other than a prescripted autocue, then we can throw a little party every day. Since Britney hasn’t actually spoken for herself in a good five years now, it’s kind of a miracle that she’s on this show AND she’s been looking great.
Anyone who’s followed any kind of paparazzi magazine or website in the last six years knows that “Britney Spears” and “Looking Great” are about as likely to appear next to each other as “Christina Aguilera” and “Subtle singing”, so let’s look a little closer at Britney’s looks so far…..
Pros: She looks great. Really. Her legs look awesome, her smile is radiant, The dresses are extremely flattering and her body hasn’t looked this good in quite a few years. QUITE a few.
Cons: Obviously plenty of makeup to make her look great, Britney Spears im sure is naturally beautiful, but all paparazzi shots attest to the fact that her dress down look consists of waking up in a bush after a racoon has had sex with your face. The dark makeup around her eyes further support evidence of racoon sexual assault. Britney also tends to make plenty of unflattering faces when shes uncomfortable, and also, this.
No, Britney. Bad Britney.
Overall Verdict: B She looked great, but shes aged shockingly quickly. Phillip Swann once commented that back she was 24, Britney looked ten years older on HDTV, and that’s something she’s going to have to face at 30 having lived a rough and hard lifestyle. Her facial changes have been heavily documented, but the bottom line is Britney is still beautiful. Dare we praise her or worry for her that she’s avoided botox so far?
WEEK ONE: THE PINK PANEL DRESS
Pros: It’s a flattering shape for Britney and hot pink is definitely her colour. Beautiful smile and great makeup.
Cons: Her tits are hanging out, innit? Did they get bigger? They look like they are making a b-line for different coasts. Also, awkward body language.
Overall: B It’s a nice dress but feels very stylist picked. It’s probably a good thing though, given that if Britney was self-styling she’d be rolling up in uggs and ripped daisy duke shorts with her hair in that fucking weird helicopter ponytail thing she does.
WEEK TWO – THE WHITE DRESS
Pros: Probably the prettiest dress she’s worn in years, and actually the best her hair and makeup job has looked in a very long time too. Well played, everyone.
Cons: The dress is a little wide and makes her look larger than she is as a result, also, the heels are so big she nearly fell over, scuffed and dry ankles from scratching? other than that…
Overall: A- She looks truly wonderful. Honestly, southern belle chic. Everyones on board with this look Britney.
WEEK THREE – THE GOLDEN SPARKLY DISASTER
Pros: Well, it’s sparkly? Uh, her Demi Lovato accessory is cute i guess? We chose a nice picture….
Cons: Britney has this amazing ability to look like two absolutely different people depending on how she’s styled. It’s literally amazing to me that her age, weight, jawline, eyes, everything seem drastically different on a daily basis. Here the makeup is all wrong for her face and makes her look tired and lifeless. The dress has absolutely nothing flattering to bring other than showing off her legs, and that horrible crimped hair, WHY? I guess they aren’t going for continuity with her hair length then. Britney is a naturally pretty girl, maybe not beautiful, but there is an attractiveness to her, so why is it we see her often looking like this – or worse?
Overall: D At least it’s not wearing uggs with socks.