Brangelina got Married, and Britney is Single
I’m back! (Sort of) I’m going to be moving apartments over the next coming weeks so my scheduled update situation is going to be a little less regular sometimes whilst I pack my LIFE in boxes.
But fuck, I should never go on vacation again – because these celeb whores KNOW that they will be safe from my scathingly chubby fingers and so they go and do all the bad shit when im gone.
I returned to find that Brangelina got surprise-married in France! Those bitches had a “small civil ceremony” in a church in France and didn’t tip off paparazzi, didn’t call OK Magazine and didn’t even let the kids sell their locations for pocket money.
The BBC reports absolutely nothing of interest on this, but if you need receipts then here you go. The heavenly family made by Oprah will now ascend back into the clouds for their honeymoon period and will return only when it is time to shill a movie.
I guess that whole “We’ll wait till gay marriage is legal” thing really meant “we’ll wait until everyone forgets we said that and get married”.
As they (aka nobody) say, as one famewhore love life bliss door opens, another closes.
Britney Spears very much not married
Brit Brit Spears has been twaddling her thumbs in the centre of cheating SCANDAL controversies around her basic boyfriend David Lucado lately.
TMZ reports that when they called up David Lucado’s rep for comment on the stories that he’s had his peen in other vajayjays they basically as good as admitted that there is a video of him cheating on Britney being shopped around.
Since TMZ is your nightmare nosey bitch neighbour from HELL, TMZ went on to call Britney’s reps and apparently Papa Spears wanted to blab to them about it but needed to speak to Brit first.
Well he did and this happened.
Ahhhh the single life!
— Britney Spears (@britneyspears) August 28, 2014
Poor Brit Brit! She’s so unlucky in love.I guess whilst Basic David cries into his REJECTION letter for the Harvard School of Gold Diggers, Brit Brit is going to go and buy herself KFC. And by buy herself KFC i mean she could probably buy the whole business.
Variety just printed an article highlighting that Brit is the CEO of a multi-billion dollar business, because remember that time when Britney Spears used to pretend she wasn’t just wheeling her ass out on stage for the money? Yeah – she’s done with that.
Basic Dave is going to have to return all of the exquisite hats that Brit Brit bought him to cover his shanky hair. I will NEVER at these peons who are selected by the Holy celebrities to live a life of luxury by doing fuck all for money who always wonder off to get some basic lowly paid poon. When will you amateurs LEARRRN? When you see a celeb, bend and snap! When you see a basic commoner? Eye roll like Liz Lemon and WALK ON BY.
If only Anna Nicole Smith was still with us to show these lessers how it was really done.