BREAKING NEWS: Ben Affleck to be wooden in new film.

In a developing story, Ben Affleck has signed on to play a plank of wood pretending to be Batman in a 2015 sequel to Zack Synder’s 2013 pic “Henry Cavill is fucking Delicious”.


Above: an exclusive early look at Ben Affleck in costume for the film.

The studio, Warner Brothers, has a long history of working with Affleck who is known as a competent movie director and excellent thesp in roles which require him to perform as a piece of wood which is attemtping to emote real human feelings.

They said of the development

“We knew we needed an extraordinary actor to take on one of DC Comics’ most enduringly popular super heroes and make them somehow less interesting than Henry Cavill and Ben Affleck certainly fits that bill and then some,” Warner Bros President Greg Silverman said in a statement.

Mr Snyder, who also directed Man of Steel, said in a statement that Mr Affleck will provide an “interesting counter-balance” to 31-year old Cavill’s Clark Kent.

“(Affleck) has the acting chops to create a layered portrayal of a tree who is older and wiser than Clark Kent and bears the scars of a seasoned timber log, but retain the charm that the world sees in Ikea’s high quality but low price furniture,” said Snyder. “I can’t wait to work with him.”

Ben famously met his current wife, Jennifer Garner, on the set of Daredevil where he also played a piece of wood pretending to be a superhero. Jennifer Garner played perfection being perfect, naturally.

Above: Garner shocked the industry for losing out an Oscar nod for the role.

Insiders on the movie are said to be ecstatic that the studio found an A-List actor who is able to make Henry Cavill look like an emotional powerhouse. 


Above: Henry Cavill

“Henry was pretty wooden in the first movie, but we’re really excited about working with Ben because we’re confident he can provide the mahogany to Henry’s soft pine. There’s definitely gonna be splinters onscreen!”

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