Blake Shelton, you in danger gurl.
Okay so here’s what I know about Blake Shelton.
- He’s married to Miranda Lambert, the supremely talented goddess of country, y’all.
- He judges on The Voice. But then again so does 3/4 of the entertainment business right now.
- He sings country songs. I have never heard one of his songs.
- He is in serious danger and his life is in jeopardy.
When I say something dramatic like 4. I am not kidding you guys. Blake Shelton decided to put the “cunt” in “Cuntry” at this years Academy Country Music Awards or as I like to call them, Taylor Swift, Lady Antebellum and a shit tonne of Moonshine.
Whilst Blake was hosting the event he decided to praise all the great “live” (read: heavily track assisted) performances that people would see during the event staged in the pinnacle of high elegance and sophistication in, er, Vegas. What happened next I can only assume was down to a head injury or temporary mental instability as Blake didn’t see his life flashing before his eyes when he said
“If you don’t like live music, then you need to go down the block and see Britney Spears.“
There are a couple of things that one should be afraid of in this world. Tsunamis. Giant hairy fuckin spiders. Jennifer Love Hewitt’s vagazzled growler.
But the most terrifying force of all is undoubtedly the Britney Spears fanbase. I can guarantee without a shadow of a doubt that meltdown after meltdown is occurring in front of computers across the land. A swirling berry storm is brewing in a giant frappucino somewhere, and in the eye of that extra caramel hold the soy and berry storm there are thousands of glittering gays who don’t listen to what anyone says because Brit Brit taught them that listening is over-rated ready to decimate Blake Shelton.
As a tall man who once had the mis-fortune of turning up late to a Brit Brit concert ( by late I mean “Thank fuck I just missed the Jonas brother”) and I can safely say there are no people more terrifying, more violent, more vicious than a Britney Spears fan who you might obstruct a view for. I very nearly lost my skull and could not breath for two hours in case the girl with the fascinator in front of me stoned me in the balls with her huge tits. Brit Brit fans do not a fun concert make – so if that’s what happened to my poor ass at a Brit Brit concert, I can only assume Blake Shelton is going to kind of look like a piece of Billy Bear Sausage by tomorrow morning